I'm curious, do other routine conscious mums struggle with breastfeeding on demand?

[gaelicsheep]

I am slowly going mad with the constant uncertainty of it all. I'm getting nothing done in the house, completely ignoring my poor 4 year old DS much of the time, and it is driving my to distraction!

I definitely lean towards having my day led at least loosely by a schedule but every time I think we're getting there we'll have a day like today and I'll be climbing the walls again. I'm fantasising about bottle feeding and having DD take a full feed at once with some time in between.

I'm a bit of a control freak at heart I guess and I can't stand the chaotic nature of our days at the moment. I feel like my head is swimming with all the things I can't even start to get done. Does anyone else feel like this? Or is successful breastfeeding self-selecting to more chilled out women?

To be clear, I'm not talking about rigid GF routines (although I have the book and would like to use it as a guide as I did with DS ). Just some semblance of predictability would be good, so that I don't end up trying to feed in the doctors waiting room - full of disapproving old women - for example. It's also really important that we get DD to go down for naps since as a rule she has been sleeping no more than 6 hours in 24, and that cannot be good at her age surely? How can I be confident in getting her to sleep if I never ever know if she's still hungry or not?

Of course I'm wobbling now, as I knew I would, when I see all the promises of things getting better. But it's a balance right? It's not just about me and my desire to breastfeed (which is still there), it's about the whole family isn't it? And DD (who has already had the odd bottle of formula) is going to be just fine regardless. She's already had one hell of a lot more breastmilk than DS ever did.

Well, I've got one DC, who's only 3 weeks old, so really I don't know my arse from my elbow on this territory - but gaelicsheep I really appreciate your honesty in describing your situation - it sounds v frustrating and exhausting -

I have no useful advice to offer, sorry, but just wanted to wish you luck with whatever you decide.

Anyhow sorry to go on (and sorry for multiple posts!) This thread was never really about me personally, in terms of asking for support. In fact all these stories of mums managing it just fine make me feel kind of inadequate if I'm honest. It's interesting to hear different views on the subject, however. I guess I never really realised how much I do crave structure.

But it's not even about that really. It boils down to how much time I currently spend feeding DD to the exclusion of any other kind of interaction with either her or DS. In 4 month's time when I'm back at work, which will I regret more? Will I regret not spending more quality time interacting with DD and DS, or will I regret curtailing breastfeeding 3 months before I would have ideally liked? I think the former is more likely.

So whilst I didn't start the thread for support per se, thanks for giving me chance to air my feelings. I think I'm still happy with my decision.

Thanks Barkfox. I get exactly what you're saying in your post and I think you describe my own feelings much better than I have done myself. FWIW, the middle ground you speak of is what

gaelicsheep - you have to do what you feel is best taking into account all the family, goes without saying.

But breastfeeding is interaction with your little girl....it's not instead of it. And with practice, you can interact with your older child while bf....multi-tasking :)

Poor you ,I really feelfor you as this is the worst stage,it will pass and you just need to do what you feel is best for your family and your sanity.

It is possible though that this is you dd's personality ,she still may not be predictable on the bottle.I vividly remember this stage with ds2 and 3.what kept me breast feeding though was that the thought of making up bottles and having to take them everywhere was worse.At least I could always feed when out .genuinely interests in the doctors waiting room scenario ,what do you do if you are ff ,presumeably you have toleave and go home to warm bottle.

But Tiktok, it doesn't feel like it - it really doesn't! I have really surprised myself and on the whole I am actually quite enjoying breastfeeding her now. But while I'm breastfeeding I'm not playing with her, I'm not having eye contact and exchanging smiles, listening to coos and gurgles and having "conversations" with her. That's what DH gets to do while I'm trying to do essential tasks between feeds.

I really wish I could find a way to make this work. DH is supportive to a point, but he is getting tired of the amount of time I have to spend feeding. He had two children in a previous relationship, both of whom were bottle fed, then DS who was (if I'm honest) predominantly bottle fed. Breastfeeding is a new thing for him, and rightly or wrongly he's finding it very hard being unable to carry out a key part of his DD's care. He just ends up picking up the pieces after I have yet another meltdown in the middle of the night when I can't face another night feed.

At the end of the day, DS is the most important person to consider and I really do think he is suffering. Yes I can read stories to him, watch films with him and chat to him while I feed DD. But last night, for example, I missed pretty much his entire bedtime bath and storytime because I was attempting to settle DD which required near constant feeding for 2 hours. It's now got to the stage where he's rejecting DH completely most of the time and only ever wants to be with me. He follows me every time I go upstairs, even to the toilet. He is getting next to no one on one time with me, and I think he really really needs it just now.

Respect to any mother who manages to make it work and maintain a healthy family life. I'm not sure I'm that mother unfortunately.

Bourboncreme - she does seem more predictable with bottles. At least in respect of me knowing that if she takes a certain amount I know she'll be happy and settled for x amount of time. That's been borne out many times over already.

Doctors waiting room - I would have a readymade carton and a flask of hot water with me and warm bottle there and then. I did it in Tesco's today and it was much more pleasant than struggling to attach a nipple shield under a muslin in the centre of a busy cafe.

Until yesterday the hassle factor, especially when going out, was what kept me going too. But now I think family outweighs hassle.

You know what's really killing me is that I actually have nailed breastfeeding this time - something I thought I'd never do. Her weight gain has been brilliant and it's down to me. But I guess I can be proud of that regardless.

You have nailed it and you have done fantastically,be proud of yourself and move on ,being a mum isn't just about feeding.
Ps you are clearly a lot more organised than me,I would have forgotton either thermos or carton!

Lol, I remembered thermos and forgot receptacle to hold hot water! Hence dash to Boots to buy one of those travel bottle warmers . It'll be really useful though - not a waste of money.

Late addition here as have been reading this thread with interest. I have an older dd and 12 week ds and can honestly say the only reason I've managed to bf this time is because dh is home full time to help with dd. I have massive respect for anyone who manages to establish bf with an older child around, especially if there are any problems or issues

so just wanted to say good luck with switching and not to feel bad. I think you've done amazingly well already and you need happy family above all

I have to admit that I managed some sort of flexible routine.

My bf dds always needed feeding about every two hours (not in the early days, of course) and so I would plan around this a bit.

E.g think - I want to go out in half and hour, I will feed just before I go and then make sure I'm near a cafe about 2 hours later.

Once BFing becomes easier, you can sit on the floor BFing the baby whilst doing jigsaws/coloring with the older one.

I have to admit, I wouldn't have had any time with the older one if I'd bottle fed - I would have been exhausted from making up bottles; at least with BFing you just get to sit down!

I remember looking after another little girl one morning. She needed a poo, my 3 year old was ok, so I just sat down in the bathroom and fed the baby who was hungry.

If you are needing to feed every hour, are you sure that your latch is ok?

Gosh, just the thought that you could be exhausted from making up bottles shows how different breastfeeding is for different people.

DD will happily go three hours between feeds, sometimes and on some days, so I'm confident that the latch is fine the majority of the time. But she will feed how she wants to feed and if she wants to use a shallow latch one day there is nothing in the world I can do to make her latch any differently. A lot of the time I know she is comfort sucking and I am trying to encourage her to use a dummy for this purpose now, much as I loathe the things as a general rule. Ditto to timing of feeds. Before I went to the doctors that time I tried to get her to feed before we went. But it's a classic case of you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. She lost interest after a few sucks, then lo and behold she was crying for food half an hour later.

I'm still somewhat undecided as, predictably, I had an easy day of it yesterday which made me loathed to give up. But then again today she fed for nearly two hours of leisurely sucking this morning and she was the same at lunchtime. She snacked on and off all afternoon and early evening so I now have no clue when she will be hungry, how hungry she'll be or how long she'll go before waking in the night. That drives me potty!

After considering everything people have said I have decided to try to breastfeed to a loose routine, aiming for three hourly feeds whenever possible. If breastfeeding is not convenient for any reason (eg at DS's bedtime or in order to leave DD with DH occasionally) then I will give a bottle. This will probably cause a gradual wind down of breastfeeding, but I can live with that as I plan to stop before I return to work anyhow.

Thanks for all the input, especially for making me realise there could be a middle ground that will tide us over for a few weeks/months.

Oh, I meant to say thanks pinata, as well, for your kind words. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that my DH is also at home to help with DS. But currently DS is rejecting DH altogether and wants me all the time. He wants and needs some undivided attention as well, not just having me feed DD while being with him.

Without a doubt, without DH at home we wouldn't have lasted 2 weeks of breastfeeding let alone nearly 8.

I've read this thread and it is very useful. My question is how do you introduce a 730 bed time 6-8 weeks if dd is cluster feeding every 1.5 hours during the evening? I am thinking if introducing a bottle of ebm at 730 to see if this helps. During the rest of the day she feeds every 2.5 to 3 hours.

Gaelicsheep, can I just say that I've seen a few of your threads about the struggles you've had with breastfeeding this time around, and your determination. So no matter what you decide now, I wanted to express my admiration for how much you've done so far.

I hope your loose routine works - on a practical note, if you want to wind down breastfeeding you're better off doing it gradually anyway for your own comfort.

Yes, good for you gaelicsheep & do enjoy it while you are still doing it.

LizRogers - when we introduced our bedtime we included a bath first with the intention to also offer a feed/cuddle afterwards so we just got to the bath when we could as near to the time we were aiming for. DP did the bath so DS would not see me & think of trying another feed. Babes usually enjoy the bath so much they are fine with it, as long as drying etc afterwards doesn't take too long. I recall there was quite a lot of variation with the bath time in the early days but it did settle down quickly. You can experiment with different bed times if there seems to be issues with the one you've gone for. I wouldn't say offering EBM would necessarily help & adds in something else you have to do, unless you are already fine with all the expressing in which case it might be worth a try just to see.

gaelicsheep- I posted on your previous thread and just wanted to echo what tortoise has said.

You seemed so sure that it was all going to go wrong, so you should be proud of yourself for sticking with it.

Managing the overwhelming demands of a new baby is hard however you are feeding, but I get where you're coming from. Good luck with it all anyway .

Gaelicsheep, i havent read all the replies to your thread yet but wanted to post a quick reply while i have a moment.

I have to admit that when i was BF my DD (now 17 weeks) i felt exactly the same way. I need structure in my life and i was going completely insane feeding on demand. I just cant "go with the flo". It is a quirk of my personality i guess. DD was a snacker of the highest calibre. She took "little and often" to an art form.

We made it to 6 weeks before we got thrush and that was the excuse i felt i needed to move to formula and a routine. I don't have any regrets.

I did try to express for a while but it was such a faff and i think worse than FOD.

Routine wise i used the Baby Whisperer structure as my base. It is not a GF style routine but more a flexible pattern for the day. We have thrived on it.

Hope that helps.

you're very welcome

I think you have to do what suits, and your plan to mix feed sounds like a good one.

I came to BF this time thinking it was a wonderful selfless thing I was doing for DS, which in many ways of course it is, but like you have found it hugely disruptive to existing family relationships.

When you don't have an easy time of it, it can really push everyone to the limit. I imagine not even the most supportive of DHs would be able to smilingly put up with limitless weeping, cursing, agony and a constantly struggling mum is no fun for existing DC. I think there comes a point where any downside of FF is outweighed by the struggle of BF. No point in having a BF baby, but your family has fallen apart in the meantime! We've definitely had a rocky ride of things as a result of me finding BF such a struggle, but wanting to do it SO much

Anyway, good luck with the mixed feeding. You can definitely pat yourself on the back for all you've done already.