Am angry at myself

[SirBoobAlot]

Bumped into a friend (my age, so 19) with his mother, sister and grandmother today. Got chatting, and his mum asked how he was sleeping at night. Said he wasn't doing too bad, two feeds a night but getting there. She replied;

"Oh if he carries on, just give him some water instead. He doesn't need feeding at night at this age."
Me: Ah, its okay. He won't take a bottle anyway.
Her: Well you'll have to get him to at some point, won't you? You can't still be feeding him when he's six!
Friend: Some people do. Guess it varies from baby to baby...
Her: No, its fine until they're one. Even then its a bit odd. But as soon as they're one, that's it. It gets gross at that point.
Me: Well am just going to go by his lead, really. And he's teething at the moment, so he's a bit out of sorts.
Her: Well that's another thing - what about when he gets teeth? More hassle than its worth when they come through.

It carried on for a bit, then I made my excuses and left.

I'm really angry that firstly, I felt I had to justify why I was feeding him at night, and secondly that I didn't "defend" extended feeding. And not even extended feeding - to over a year FFS. I'm feeling stupid and childish for not standing up for my parenting choices, and instead justifying them. I should have just quoted WHO guidelines at her!!

Grr

Can anyone give me anything to say next time if this happens again?

I think there is no point trying to defend or justify with an older person who has her opinions settled.

Just be polite - really you can just hold your calm and think your own thoughts in your head.

If you quoted things at her she would just ignore probably! (I know I will when I am a granny!!)

It is so annoying when people do this.

I developed a positive bombardment technique. If they said "Are you still feeding him" I just beamed and said "Yes, isn't it brilliant. I NEVER thought I would get this far!"

I would also say "Oh no, it is too early to prioritise my needs over their needs. My time for sleep will come" and smile brightly.

The last one sounds a bit self righteous, but I was fed up with other people being able to tell me I was wrong when I couldn't tell them they were wrong for making their child go hungry.

Ask her if she'd like water for her dinner if she was hungry and if she's fine with it, you'll try it!

I mean this in a nice way, but I think you need to be less bothered about what people say about breastfeeding. There's no point getting into a debate about it. Just say 'Oh well, I don't mind doing it/quite like doing it'. I think it is very easy to get a bit anorak-y about breastfeeding, when at the end of the day it's all about your choice to do it. So just saying that your happy with your choice in a final sort of way should end it.

A few times it happened to me that someone question me bf dd I just told them that all the doctors agree that it's the best for the baby, that dd paediatrician thinks extended bf is great and told them about WHO. If you're assured and calm they don't have the guts to continue.

Or as secunda said, just say you're happy with it, in a sort of end-of-arguement way.

Secunda - I think because my parents are still so open in their opinions about it, I get over sensitive about it. DP is supportive, but constantly being surrounded by the negativity about my choices makes me defensive, and makes me question my decision.

SirBoobALot don't feel angry at yourself!

Your very best #1 "advert" for BFing is that you are BFing! I guess you need to have a strategy re your parents plus a strategy for others.

I don't think that there is any way that you can change the opinion of 1 person. Unfortunately people will always come up with unwanted parenting "advice".

I think that to promote BFing the FFing culture needs to be changed.

One thing that you could do would be to join Baby Milk Action (£7 if unwaged) and join in various petitions/campaigns (time allowing etc).

I struggle with how besst to show my support for BFing because I was extremely gutted that "the system/culture" let me down and I introduced top ups from 4 weeks and DS was fully FF from 12 weeks.

I still passionately support BFing - but I am also passionate about "safer infant feeding" so I put my knowledge of FFing to good use around the place. I would never criticise an individual's choice but I also support calls for a ban on FF advertising etc.

I think your strategy sounded great - even if it left you feeling angry!

WRT to your parents - perhaps you could ask the BFing MNers for some specifc advice wrt to them - I would think the broekn record technique. So if they query you continuing to BF you say "I hear what you say/I will bear it in mind - but at the moment I am very happy BFing - I intend to continue until DS is at least 2 as per WHO recommendations" (repeat ad infinitum)!

I suppose this is a very long winded way of saying that you don't need to be responsible for trying to "defend your choice"/"share info about BFing".

You are a marvellous role model for all your friends and acquaintances etc - you are normalising BFing for younger mums - just by doing it!

tabouleh says it much better than me! Absolutely no reason to feel angry with yourself.

I did find that questions about babies' sleep (especially from people who don't have babies at that momement) are often best ducked with something like "yeah, alright" and change the subject. No-one is ever interested and they just want to feel superior/give you mis-placed unasked for advice.