How do I encourage my partner to use formula?

[hora]

Circa 4months in and my partner is constantly knackered and just alittle grumpy. My partner is quite small/petite and I wonder if she is able to produce enough?

She has done very well so far but our son (Zachary) is quite cranky and cries alot during the day - is he hungry?

How does he sleep at night? settles in bed and sleeps from circa 7.30am to 11am feed to the 7am feed.

I've mentioned a few times that its fair that she could try topping up the breastmilk with formula but she sees formula as 'bad' for babies.

Is it really that bad? Why not use formula as 'support'?

Its very valiant what she has been doing so far but I do feel he could also be 'bigger' a s well.

Help! (I will also share this post and subsequent comments with her).

How is he doing on his growth chart, if he is maintaining a steady incline on his curve and he is producing enough wet/ soiled nappies then the breast milk your dp is producing is more than adequate.

He is doing really well to be sleeping at night with only one fed...wish my dd would do that!

As for baby being grumpy during the day it might be because he is overtired or over stimulated.

Maybe YOU could try being her 'support'

Christ on a bike, bf is hard enough without your so called partner banging on about you 'not making enough' and 'feeling the baby could be bigger'.

Tell her she is doing a wonderful job abnd is a wonderful mother and take every opportunity to give her a break, however neither her nor the baby needs a break from breast feeding.

feed not fed

ALso just to add could your dp not express some milk and let you do a feed, giving her a little more rest too?

PLease don't pressure her, sounds like she's doing a brilliant job and if the baby sleeps as well as that you're very lucky!

Babies a tricky things, they cry a lot and not just through hunger. Your wife's size has nothing to do with her ability to make milk.

Is she unhappy with the situation? She sounds like she's doing brilliantly, perhaps you should support her?

She sounds like she's doing really well.

When I was BFing DS when he was small my DH used to bring me drinks and make lovely meals for me so that I was getting proper nourishment. He supported me all the way.

I think your comments are disgraceful, all the more so if you have actually said any of that to her, please tell me you haven't??

Especially if he is only waking once at night to feed, then he isn't hungry. If he was hungry he would be waking more frequently through the night and wanting to feed.

hora i think your comments are rather unfortunately put, it seems as though you are criticising your dp for not wanting to use formula.

formula is a perfectly good subsitute for breastmilk but it is not as good. surely you want the best for your son?

agree with others, best you can do is encourage, support and praise.

You are very lucky to have not been flamed by this point. You sound very critical.

Babies grow at different rates. 'could be bigger' is a shit thing to say. Unless your baby is failing to thrive please do not say anything like this to your partner - it will sound like a direct criticism, not matter how you phrase it.

You sound like my DH. If I am tired or stressed with the children, then it is "a problem" and needs "a solution". He is a fantastic Dad but is very right-brained. Having a baby is very tiring, it's just the way it is. There is no magic solution. Your partner is doing really well.

The other thing is that your concern about her being grumpy, although I'm sure that it is kindly meant, is just going to be another huge burden for her. She is going to feel that, as well as feeding and caring for the baby, that she is also going to have to be cheerful and happy for you. It will become another chore!

Even though these days can seem endless, they do pass, I promise. Just concentrate on telling her how well she's doing, and taking any of the smaller burdens from her that you can, and you will both get through this.

If she tops up woth formula, it will affect her breastmilk supply, and could mean she has to stop sooner than she would like. SO formula isn't "bad" as such but does have consequences for breastfeeding, and if your partner wants to breastfeed, pelase help her. ANd it doesnt sound as if your baby is doing badly at all. good luck

oh, and I am petite too, and breastfeed just fine - its irrelevant.

My husband was like you. He was worried that our babies weren't getting enough milk, he couldn't see how much they were taking. He wanted them to go onto formula. I became convinced that they weren't getting enough, that they were big babies and I couldn't give them enough milk. I 'topped up' with formula. Of course, as soon as you start to do that, your milk gets less because it's only by feeding that you produce more! So pretty soon it was formula all the way.

I wish that I had known mn then. Because I now feel terribly guilty. Breast milk is the best start you can give your baby is the message and I feel awful that I didn't feed them myself for the first year. I think that if my husband had not been pressuring me, filling my head with the idea that I was not able to give them enough, panicking because he couldn't see the oz go down... then maybe things might have been different.

I think that you should not pressure her in any way to give up bf, because if she looks back on it with regret, she'll remember your influence. And it won't be fondly.

Better to work with her and find bf support if she wants to continue.

I appreciate that you are coming from a place of concern, but it doesn't sound like breastfeeding is a particular problem in this case.

I'd have a think about ways you can help her so she isn't so tired, taking on extra duties, and making sure she has enough to eat and drink.

Also, if she is constantly knackered and you think it's more than just, oh, having a 4-month-old, you could suggest she gets her iron levels checked.

I must admit I'm quite shocked by your comments. Breastfeeding is a tricky emotional relationship
(eg because I don't know how much my DS gets I have worried in the past that he's getting "enough" before I learned to trust that my DS lets me know when he needs a feed perfectly well) and if my own partner made comments like this to me I'd find it very hard to cope (my son is also just about 4 months).

Feeding is not that physically that gruelling (I think that's a myth) but it does bind you to your baby in a way that can be more tiring, eg if you're out and about and baby gets hungry you must feed him right now and no one else can help. So help out by sharing the burden of domestic chores/helping to get her drinks and snacks while she is feeding/etc. But, on the upside, breastfeeding is also enjoyable, especially at this age - my own son often pulls off to smile up and me and we often hold hands while he's feeding - it melts my heart. And I speak as someone who suffered with trush and agonising cracks for the first 9-10 weeks of feeding.

But spending your days (and nights) mothering a small baby is gruelling and frustrating and, at times, boring. I'm usually desperate for adult conversation by the time by DH gets home from work in the evening. And I'd be very grumpy if he was making comments to me that he thought our (slim, healthy, long) son "could be bigger" as to me that says "he's too small, you must be underfeeding him you rubbish mum". Supply issues are very rare, and the odd bottle of formula could actually cause her supply to reduce.

Someone could easily say I think formula is bad, as I was so determined to stick with BFing despite a horrendous start. But I don't - I was ff myself and some of my closest friends ff. I do think BFing is better and so for me it's important to provide the best for my child.

PS the sleeping thing is great - my own son wakes 3-4 times usually!

It sounds as though he sleeps well, and assuming the HVs don't have any problems with his weight gain, she is producing more than enough milk.
Honestly, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the best thing you can do is help your partner more and support her to breastfeed.
Are you feeling left out? That does get better once they're over 6 months. In the meantime (if you're not already) could you do something specific? Maybe get up after his morning feed with him and leave her in bed? Or do bathtime after his evening feed so she has 40 mins to herself? It will get better!

Oh and encourage your partner to join here too

I'm sure breastmilk is enough for your son. and your partner doesn't want to use formula, so she shouldn't have to! not that there's anything wrong with it (I supplemented my first baby with formula, but not my second) but it is her choice. personally I found expressing a hassle, but she could try it, so you could feed him.

please do not say things to her like 'he's not getting enough milk' etc. her body can produce enough - the more she feeds the more she will produce. she needs to have faith in her own body - and you need to have that faith too!

the most important thing is that she gets well looked after too! make sure she's eating enough good food and drinking lots of water. let her get plenty of rest - you can do loads of other things with your son. take him out in the pram, bathe him, change him etc. the more rested she is, the better her milk supply will be.

Ah ok. Hands up. I stand educated

Now I've got to go home and have a 'told you so' face

(As I sent her the this link before anyone replied)

Do'h. blush

I was nonplussed by "small/petite" reference and then the penny dropped.

The size of her boobs has nothing to do with her ability to produce milk. Larger breasts are mostly fat - it's the milk glands which do the milk.

If your wife can breastfeed and wants to, she should. Formula is a breastmilk substitute, there's nothing wrong with it but it's not as good as the real thing. It doesn't give your baby the benefit of your wife's immune system, for a start. And supplementing with formula will do her milk supply no favours at all.

If he's sleeping for eight hours at a stretch, he's getting enough calories during the day.

Have a look at your baby's red book. If he's keeping to his curve (regardless of whether that curve is on the 4th or the 94th) he's doing just fine.

If your wife or you are small-framed, chances are your baby will be on a lower curve. Think about the people you know as adults - the big brick-shithouse types would be on an adult 99th centile, the 5-footers on a low centile. Babies are like that too. They come in all shapes and sizes. As long as they are keeping (more or less, they're not robots) to their curve, you're fine.

PS if she's constantly knackered the best thing you can do is make dinner more frequently and take the baby for a walk on Sunday mornings so she can lie in!

Aw hora, well done for coming back! I think you just need to support her choice to breastfeed in all the ways listed above

well done hora - very glad you've been convinced!

and mrs hora if you are reading this, well done you too for doing so brilliantly with the bfing. It's not easy, it is knackering at times, but you are dead right that if you can do it, it is best. I hope you are practising your told you so face

oh that you sent her the link in the expectation you'd be right.

good on you hora and hooray for ms hora.

well done. baby will be fine and well done to your partner for persevering

It's nice when a man admits that they are wrong! ...

Bf can be hard work and tiring. Babies can be cranky little things. But bf babies are in the long term healthier than ff babies - and if you are able to give that to your child as a mother, at the cost of a few tough months (it gets much easier after 6 mo ime) then it's natural as a mother to want to do that.

And because we're also human, it's natural to have a moan about it while we're doing it too.

I've had supply issues. I've had a baby who didn't gain weight. I've had sleep deprivation. I have, in despair, topped up with formula (it was a fiasco). But I also had a dh who supported me throughout, who thanks me every day for bfing his dc and is more than willing to take over everything I drop by the wayside when the baby is having a bad day and I'm pinned to the sofa. And to accept that his and my needs come second to the babies' (for that very short time that they are babies).

As a result, I not only feel that I've been able to give the dc what I wanted, I also feel that dh and I did it together. And that our relationship is better for it. I can genuinely say that his totally unconditional support has made me love and respect him even more than I did before.