Need to type this

[leatherchair]

I could not BF my DS. So many reasons, but ultimately I should have tried harder.

7 months later it still breaks my heart and I still hate myself for it. I sometimes wish terrible things would happened to me to punish me for letting him down.

I don't need replies, I just need to write down how much I hate myself for what I did or didn't do.

ok rather than beating yourself up for this what about all the things you did do for your ds? so what if you didnt bf, you really wanted to but it didnt work out, its nothing at all to hate yourself about. Many mothers dont try to bf, doesnt make them any less of mothers so please dont beat yourself up. Forumla milk is made for babys and is full of everything babys need to grow into healthy toddlers so why would you feel bad about it. I know you said you didnt need replys but i needed to tell you that you certainly do not deserved to be punished and shouldnt feel ashamed at all, you should be proud that you tried to bf, proud that you've brought up a baby - coz it certainly isnt easy!!

Do you have someone in RL to talk to about this? Sympathetic health visitor or GP? Friend or partner who isn't dismissive?

are you planning on having another child? If not then there is little point thinking about coulda/woulda/shoulda and just focus on being the lovely mum that I sure you are to your DC. If you're planning on another in the future, then it could be helpful to get a bit of a list of what you think you could try next time, if you want to bf but difficulties arise again.

The worst thing would be that this affects your relationship with your child. Not breastfeeding won't - but hating yourself for not being able to breastfeed might.

Thank you.

I just needed to put down in words how I feel, I have had a good evening with DH, and now feel guilty as I do every time that I enjoy myself. How can I when I have failed my DS how now has multiple allergies.

All I know is that I have let him down at the first hurdle and affected his health for the long term. There are times when I find it hard to control these strong feelings of hatred and need to punish myself. Strangely, before I had DS I was never like this,,,,,,

Oh Leatherchair, poor you!! It's what you do now and going forward that matters and this will not be the last time you feel you have done something wrong.

Unfortunately, we cannot work out what will be best for our children all of the time and in all likelyhood, he would still have had allergies anyway. I know this because my third child had allergies and I know alot about food issues as have lived with them for 5 years with my eldest and I still made mistakes that I think - why did I do / not do that? In fact, I could not have known for sure, but it's hard to deal with.

You have done well to discover his allergies are this young age, it takes some people much longer to work out what the problem is.

Don't beat yourself up as you are allowed to be a happy mummy, and your son needs a happy mummy. Please don't feel hatred for yourself or punish yourself and if these feelings do not go away, please speak to someone.

Wow, those are some serious words.

There are so many things in life that we should have done differently, or we think we should have done differently, we will never know what the outcome would have been.

Focus on the positive aspects that you are doing for your son.

Do you really hate yourself and wish terrible things would happen?

Does your DH know how you feel?

This may sound crazy, but how do you think your son would feel if he knew how awful you felt - your are the whole world to him, and can do no wrong! Imagine how many things he thinks you do right!

Are you otherwise happy or do you think you may be depressed?

Is there someone you can talk to about this? We all do the best we can for our children at the time with the support and info we have. It's all we can ask of ourselves. It's all anyone can ask of us.

Breastfeeding is only one part of parenting. However, it's one of those things like birth that sometimes when it doesn't go to plan the feelings can be deep and they can last a lifetime if we don't talk them through (think of all the stories you hear, even from grannies). Many people find talking it over to understand and eventually accept what happened can be very helpful. Some people find talking to one of the volunteers on the breastfeeding helplines helpful. Others wait to have this sort of conversation until perhaps they are expecting again.

It sounds like you are feeling low? Be gentle with yourself and see if you can find someone to speak to about it. Maybe your GP might be one place to start?

You did the best you could, with the information, support and energy you had.

If you want more support on this, if you ring one of the BF helplines, you will find a sympathetic and helpful ear.

what do you think you should have done differently, exactly? How should you have tried harder?

I'm pretty certain you can call a breastfeeding counsellor to talk through your feelings about not bf - it's what they're for so if you think it would help, do it.

leatherchair, please, please don't be hard on yourself. FWIW I am still breastfeeding my DS at 22 months and he has multiple food allergies - epipen with us at all times and seriously restricted diet. Although it's true that breastfeeding reduces the risk of developing allergies, it's certainly not true that they will be prevented in every case. Some of it is down to genetic predisposition. Realising that your child has allergies is a difficult and emotional experience - do you have somebody in RL to talk to about how you are feeling?

When I was preg. with DS, one of my friends said, "welcome to the world of constant guilt - you will love him so much and always wonder if you are doing a good enough job". There's no point in wasting energy on useless regrets... just concentrate on being your DS's one-and-only irreplaceable loving mummy.

My DD has allergies and she's breastfed.

I think if a baby is destined to get them there's not a lot you can do.

Hi leatherchair

you did your best under the circumstances - with the knowledge and support you had. There are loads of times in this mothering business when we make a call that we would later change if we could. I didn't manage to bf my DS and he is now 12 and nearly as tall as me and a great strapping healthy young man. But at the time I was devestated and developed pnd and sounded very like you do in terms of self loathing etc. Seek some help from hv/gp and forgive yourself for not being perfect - none of us are. All the research about parenting shows we just need to be good enough and you are because you care so much.

I managed to bf dd1 and now dd2 and I could have overcome the difficulties I had with ds if he'd been my third but he wasn't.

Please forgive yourself

OMG no one should make you feel this way, you have a heathly addition to your family, enjoy your bambino, and ignore the mummy maffia and how they have made you feel. You haven't let bambino down, talk to some one about how you feel, it might just help to stop other mums feeling like this, many hugs coming you way xxxxxxxxxxxx

i bf any my ds has allergies

i don't think rational arguments are going to reach you right now, but i exclusively bf my ds2 and when he was 6 months old he began to have eczema

it was nasty but in no way serious

however it was the most horrible time and i felt guilty and depressed and very very anxious

what i am trying to say is that i think your feelings are a normal result of dealing with your baby's illness - experienced by many mothers regardless of whether they have breastfed or not

it is a very upsetting experience to have an ill child, and it is a very upsetting experience not to have been able to breastfeed when you would have liked to

please get some support for these 2 difficult experiences which have not been your fault - rather you have had very distressing things happen to you for no reason, and you deserve sympathy, understanding and care, not the criticism you are giving yourself

leatherchair, try looking at things from another perspective - if your mum was unable to bf you (for whatever reason), would you hold it against her and feel she had let you down? Or would you be grateful that she loved you and raised you the best way she could?

My mum was unable to bf me, but bfed my sister. Maybe she didn't try hard enough, I don't know. It makes no difference to our relationship though, and I certainly don't feel she didn't love me enough or let me down.

(By the way, I have bfed DS for nearly 6 months and he has had several colds and various skin allergies from the day he was born. Bf may be beneficial to health but doesn't stop them getting allergies/illnesses.)