March book of the month: Stay with Me by Ayòbámi Adébáyò - Join our book club discussion and author webchat TONIGHT between 9 and 10pm

[RachelMumsnet]

Our March book of the month is another brilliant debut. Ayòbámi Adébáyò's Stay With Me is a deeply moving story of a young couple as they embark on adult - and married life. It's about motherhood, family, relationships and the abhorrent treatment of women when life is unable to follow the socially accepted route in modern day Nigeria. Last year it was short listed for the Bailey's Women's Prize for fiction and this year has already been long listed for The Wellcome Book Prize and International Dylan Thomas Prize.

If you'd like to find out more, read what our book club bloggers have to say and read the first chapter or listen to an extract.

We're delighted that Ayòbámi Adébáyò has agreed to join us for our book club discussion on Wednesday 28 March at 9pm. Please do join us this month in reading Stay With Me. Post your comments on this thread and watch out for the webchat thread later in March.

@ButDoYouAvocado

I think many of the characters in this book were simultaneously unlikeable and endearing. Moomi in particular. Dare I ask if she was based on anyone in real life?

Moomi is about sixty percent my imagination and thirty percent horror stories I've heard about mother-in-laws.

Where does the story leave Akin and his relationship with his daughter going forward?

Another question if that's ok. I read that you were tutored by Chimamanda Ngoze Adichie and Margaret Atwood. In what capacity did they tutor you and what can you share of the experience? You can't get much better than that!

Hello Ayobami!

I haven't read your book but definitely intend to. Can i just ask how did you develop your writing? did it begin in Nigeria?

@IdleDoughnut

Hi Ayobami

Congratulations on your beautifully written first novel.

Considering the powerful themes of the book, was the writing experience an emotional one for you?

Thank you IdleDoughnut, yes it was quite draining. I was affected by the traumatic events while I was writing them. I also did a lot of research into some of dark themes and was affected by that too.

Please could you talk a little about your writing process and also your route to publication?

Any tips for aspiring writers would be welcomed too.

Thanks!

@BookerG

I really enjoyed reading Stay With Me and wanted to ask Ayobami what made you decide to write the story from both Yejide and Akin's point of view? What did you hope to achieve by doing this? Was it really difficult to write from both points of view? I felt that it really added to the experience of reading the novel.

Hi BookerG, I always knew I wanted to write the novel from both perspectives because I wanted to explore how they would each remember how their marriage unravelled, the things they would highlight or choose to leave out. I think the stories we tell about ourselves and the way(s) we choose to tell them reveal quite a bit about us. The structure is for me one of the key components that reveals the two people at the heart of this novel.
Yes, it was difficult to figure out what point of view to use, how to play both narratives against each other, etc. I had to do quite a number of rewrites to get it right.

I'm glad to hear it added to your experience of the novel! That makes all the rewrites worth it.

@Youhaditoncebutnowitsgone

I loved this book - although it was so sad, it was also very uplifting. It felt like there was a tension between traditional patriarchal roles and modernity - but women were ultimately placed in positions of strength. How hard was it to keep that feeling of hope running through the book, despite the storyline being so heartbreaking?

Hello Youhaditoncebutnowitsgone , I'm glad you stuck with it despite all the heartbreak. I can attribute the feeling of hope that runs through it to two things. First of all, I looked at most of what happens through Yejide's eyes, she is a survivor. She's also incredibly pragmatic at her core and through it all found a reason to keep going, even after she thought she had lost all that was most important to her, she found a way to make a life for herself elsewhere. I suppose in a sense, she inspired me to hope. The second thing is that writing an heartbreaking novel is quite emotionally tasking, at least it was for me and I needed to keep that strain of hope, not just for the reader but for myself.

Hi Ayobami

What a beautifully written and thoughtful book. I loved how the story was told by both Yejide and Akin and the depth of all the characters was wonderful, capturing how as in real life, everyone is shades of grey and no matter how likeable someone is, they do have flaws or weaknesses. It was a story that touched me personally but one of the main aspects of it, I felt, was that women are always in control even if it doesn't appear to be the case in more traditional setups. How made you come up with this basis for the story as it was quite an unusual choice or did it evolve as you were writing the book? Really lovely book and one I will definitely be rereading as I suspect I've missed lots the first time round!

@WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo

I haven’t finished it yet either, but I’m really enjoying it so far, so thank you. Though it has also made me quite angry at various points!

You write so insightfully from the different perspectives so I wondered whether the story is inspired by personal experience?

Hi WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo, to be honest, this book made me angry when I was writing it too, the fact that I live in a world where the the degrading things Yejide experiences not only happen but are seen as acceptable was infuriating. Anger can be good, it causes us to question and can inspire change.

Now to your question, not at all. I'm actually more inclined to write about things I've never experienced. For some reason, I find them more fascinating.

Can we put to you the Mumsnet questions that we put to all our authors:

What was your favourite childhood book?

What was the last book you gave to someone as a gift?

What was the last book you received as a gift?

Can you describe the room(s) where you wrote Stay With Me?

Hi Ayobami,

How closely did you empathise with both Yejide and Akin's characters?

@FernieB

I left it until rather late to start the book - yesterday actually! Luckily it was brilliantly written, full of interesting characters and a great story, so I finished it late last night.

What struck me was that whilst it had all the appearance of a patriarchy, the women were very much in charge in the home. Not only that but there was little feeling of sisterhood, just jealousy, bullying and cruelty towards each other. Akin struck me as a weak man, too afraid to admit the truth to anyone and instead allowing his mother and other women to abuse and blame his wife.

I've read another book (a while ago now and can no longer remember the title) set in a similar setting and the themes were along the same lines. I suspect this is a story which occurs more often than people would think. Is this the case? And is this story based on anyone?

Hi FernieB, perhaps the other book you are referring to is Lola Shoneyin's The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wives?
I do think it occurs more than people might be willing to admit. Where this is the case, it is shrouded in absolute secrecy. I also think the fact that people are pressured into having children at all costs also complicates situations that might have been resolved more easily otherwise.

Thanks for answering our questions so far.

I was intrigued that in a society that expects the wife (or wives) to put their husband and his family first in everything, Yejide was able to run a successful business. Was this a device to show Akin to be more modern and educated?

@Bookn3rd

Hi Ayobami,

How closely did you empathise with both Yejide and Akin's characters?

Very closely I think. I do empathise more with Yejide but I also understand Akin, I don't agree with most of his choices but I get why he made them.

I am enjoying the book (it's so well written) but finding it hard to read too as it is so sad. How much of the plot do you have worked out before you started writing? Or do you work it out as you write?

Thank you Ayòbámi - that is the book. That one was quite lighthearted in tone. Your book felt more real and was quite thought-provoking. I was saddened to think of the wives who are seen purely as 'breeders' and discarded or made to live with other wives if they don't produce.

@Celama

Hi Ayobami

What a beautifully written and thoughtful book. I loved how the story was told by both Yejide and Akin and the depth of all the characters was wonderful, capturing how as in real life, everyone is shades of grey and no matter how likeable someone is, they do have flaws or weaknesses. It was a story that touched me personally but one of the main aspects of it, I felt, was that women are always in control even if it doesn't appear to be the case in more traditional setups. How made you come up with this basis for the story as it was quite an unusual choice or did it evolve as you were writing the book? Really lovely book and one I will definitely be rereading as I suspect I've missed lots the first time round!

Hi Celama, I started thinking about this couple in 2008, at that time, I wrote short story about them. A number of years passed before I began writing the novel and in that time the book evolved, heading in direction I did not anticipate when I started writing.

Thanks for doing this webchat! I was wondering about how much research you had to do, and what that process was like? Did you plan it or did you have to keep stopping to do some digging and then come back to writing? Thank you

@ButDoYouAvocado

Where does the story leave Akin and his relationship with his daughter going forward?

Hahaha, I always like to throw this one open. What do you think?

@CheeseEMouse

I am enjoying the book (it's so well written) but finding it hard to read too as it is so sad. How much of the plot do you have worked out before you started writing? Or do you work it out as you write?

It was a little bit of both, I knew about twenty percent of what was going to happen at the beginning. I had to work most things out while I was working on the novel. I must say that I thought I had it all figured out when I started writing but the process proved me wrong.

Is there scope for another book chronicling the continuation of Yejide's story and the blossoming relationship between her and her daughter? I wonder where Akin will now fit in, if at all?

Can I ask if you're working on a new book? If so, any details you can share?

@RachelMumsnet

Can we put to you the Mumsnet questions that we put to all our authors:

What was your favourite childhood book?

What was the last book you gave to someone as a gift?

What was the last book you received as a gift?

Can you describe the room(s) where you wrote Stay With Me?

Favourite Childhood Book(s)- I loved The Children of Anansewa. I adored Enid Blyton's Mallory Towers. I read The Go-Between when I was nine and cried myself to sleep but I loved it regardless.

I gave a friend Jamie Quatro's Fire Sermon last week.

Earlier this month, friend gave me What Moves at the Margin- a collection of nonfiction by Toni Morrison.

I think that in your book family ties and love are so strong, that the fact he has loved her and been a father to her for 14 years, mean they will still have a bond albeit a very different one. Its clear he could have done more to connect her and Yejide. However I think his daughter's joy at finding her mother may obliterate that in time.