What do we need to know?

[TwentySomething30YearsAgo]

Hi,

I wondered if I could ask for a little bit of advice about how to fit in as a parent of a day child in an expensive boarding school?

Unfortunately my DC has fallen foul of the SEND crisis in the state schools, and is likely to be placed part time in a private boardng school as a day pupil with an EHCP. I've been to visit and it seems a lovely caring place. It's peaceful and small and DC feels safe there.

If push came to shove, we could afford the fees for him to stay on without the EHCP for his A levels and I would be pleased and proud for him to do that because he deserves a break after all the years of struggle.

The nicest thing is that the teachers have time to talk to us when we visit, which is quite a shock after mainstream state. I mean they actually come and talk to us in person and are nice, and this is really a big change. They never threaten us or belittle us, and that is really quite a shock after ten years in state education with undiagnosed SEND.

I just wondered if you might be able to give hints on what I should say and do? I am not sure whether they will be direct with me, or whether I need to read between the lines a lot. Is it possible that they think things that they are not saying, and if they do, is there someone there who would tell us what we need to do to get it right? I met the SENDCo and she was very nice.

I just want to get it right, if you know what I mean. DC is very nervous but we'll be in a class of 1 initially, with me present, so our presence in the school will not impact the other kids.

I would be really grateful for any advice.

Thanks!

hopefully boarding parents will come along. as a grandparent who occasionally visited my grand daughters private school; the teachers and senior staff all said hello to me, shook my hand and chatted about my grand daughter, showed me where stuff was and encouraged me to check out the class room etc.
i'm pretty clued in as to the professional lingo at the most to me it was cute stuff, "xyz was very forthcoming during the interview skills practice"...cue my reply "oh is she oversharing? we can discuss that".
so to me what you experienced sounds normal.

That's really interesting thanks. How do you get clued in to professional lingo? I think that I would just have taken that as a compliment and not realised that it might be a hint at where adjustment was needed. Is there a dictionary of "He said this" = "He meant that" sort of thing.

I really liked that they came and talked to us. It was very welcoming and helped us to know what was going on.

Thanks

It sounds like a lovely school.

You are asking about getting it right but I don’t understand the context. Do you mean as a parent, or at an interview with them? Perhaps if you could give some specific scenarios we could help more?

In my experience they will use professional lingo and look for positives. If there is a problem they should be quick to act but work in a way to find a solution rather than blame.

If you need specific information about your child you can ask, reports can be very ‘meets expectations’ but when you need details you’ll be able to get them.

Do let us know what you need if there is more

DD is day pupil at a mainstream boarding school. We were state up until end Yr6 and yes it was a bit of a culture shock to find such positive parent/teacher and pupil/teacher relations. The boarding staff are lovely and she would love to board but we simply can't afford it.
IME the staff are direct but positive and they really genuinely want to support the kids.
There are several kids with EHCPs in DDs year group and due to the 1-2-1 attention, small classes sizes + very little poor behaviour/distractions from other kids, they thrive. 1 child has a member of staff accompany that child in every lesson and the child is free to leave the classroom and go to the break out room if it gets too much.

Thank you very much, that is really helpful to know.

I was just wondering because when we wrote to apply we got lots of answers on email very swiftly, and they were very welcoming and kept cc'ing more and more people.

But then recently we asked the teacher in person if we could make an appointment for a 1:1 lesson and she said yes she would email us. Then there was no email, so I emailed and got no reply. Then I rang up and they said they would email me that day, but didn't. I'm a bit confused about why they were so positive and are now not answering my emails.

I'm not sure whether that means that I have missed something that was said between the lines or they are just busy.

I think they are still friendly, because when I emailed I got a friendly reply to say that the email had been forwarded to the right person. I'm just a bit nervous because September is a long time to wait to find out if they are still keen to have us.

There was a great deal said between the lines in the state school, and I found it very difficult to second guess constantly what they were saying and what they meant. I just wondered if a private boarding school might have a different dialect of speaking between the lines? I don't have a network of friends to ask about a boarding school because I have never been in that world before. I wondered if this forum might be a good place to come to learn?

I like the idea of professional lingo but I don't know anything about it. I would like to learn that.

It’s not that they’ve broken up for summer already so are operating on a skeleton staff is it? I don’t know a single private school that is still at school this week. Not that I know every school but I know a fair few, most of DD’s friends older siblings board as do my niece and nephew and they all broke up 2 weeks ago.

Thanks, yes that would make sense. We went before to visit the teacher but they had already gone for the holiday. Maybe they have all gone home.

Thanks that is very reassuring.

I will read this forum to try to learn the right way to read the room in schools like this. I want to get it right. Thanks

Independent schools have longer holidays ie my DD broke up 2 weeks ago so yes skeleton staff.
I've always found them to be highly responsive and HeadTeacher will always be contactable.

Personally if you have Qs then ask them. Independent schools view parents as customers (which we are) so are much more keen to meet expectations and communication is usually good. You will hopefully welcomed as an involved parent so never be scared of asking!

Thank you, that's really good to know. Very reassuring.

It was so different in the state system. We seemed to be treated as the enemy from the start and it was very hard. It's lovely to meet teachers who have the headspace to come and chat to us.

Don’t feel you need to learn to read between the lines - be honest if you don’t understand something or need more clarity, as long as you are polite, they won’t mind the question, and if they are genuinely open and friendly, they will want to support student and parent.
Comms are often not great at a private school (I never understand why this is the case), so be prepared to chase things up (politely). A friendly and respectful manner will go a long way.

And definitely try to build a good working relationship with the SENCo early on - this is really helpful

Thank you very much, I will make sure to work on having a good relationship with the sendco and chasing things up politely and respectfully.

Yes it's 100% the "hesdspace". More staff, smaller class sizes, more resources and quite frankly not having to deal with high levels of disruptive behaviour. All of those produce more productive parent/staff relationships.

Thanks, that's really encouraging to know. I noticed that their turnover of staff is much lower too. The headmaster has been there for nearly two decades and the sendco for nearly one decade. In the state school we couldn't keep a headteacher for more than two years, a sendco for more than 6 months, or a science teacher for more than four weeks.

It was really quite disconcerting to have a staff member stand and just chat to us like a normal person, and not rush off after less than 5 minutes. Sometimes the conversation fell silent for a few minutes and at the end of the silence she was still standing there. It was quite an adjustment to make.

It really is quite a jolt to realise the difference between a £35k a year school and a state school.

At the beginning DC and I were sitting in the reception waiting area looking distinctly discheveled.. Maybe with a few more visits we could start to look sort of viable again.

Hi OP,

My kids are at boarding school and have been at private - but I went to state (not in this country). Yes, your perception is correct often teachers super cordial and have the time to be polite - also I feel that they are versed in the fact that as a fee paying school they are representing the school to you in a P.R sense. In my children’s boarding school I’ve picked up the vibe that
they don’t welcome as hoc phone calls as much as their previous schools. I would say if you need a meeting it will all be super organised and scheduled and they all seem happy to discuss on zoom and sometimes prefer it to a phone call. Your requests can be specific and to the point (in my experience). I think - in our present school - the very slight boundaries about ad hoc phone inquiries is because it’s larger and they are dealing with a lot of parents who are paying for a ‘service’. So do remember there will be a lot (possibly !) of very sharp elbowed / demanding parents so your polite inquiries / needs may well not be as demanding as you think they are. No one will think less of you if you follow things up, are specific and have lots of questions.

@elaineyadayada Thank you very much, I hadn't thought about how other parents might be very demanding. That's a very good point.

I'll keep going and asking in person I think. It's so much easier to judge if I'm doing it right when face to face, and at least as a local parent, I can do that.