High-functioning ASD & ADHD

[muminwestlnd]

Hello,

I would very much appreciate any advise, please be kind.

My son is at year 3, recently diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, but high-functioning and no behavioural issues at school. However, at home we struggle as a family as he refuses to follow directions and is very aggressive towards us. I am burned out and I can't see any hope of a change, life is pretty miserable at the moment and I worry that is impacting my younger son too. I love my son so much and I can't bear the idea of living away from him. However, I am depressed but so much stress, argument and aggression on the daily basis. My son doesn't like the idea of it, but I think boarding school will provide the structured environment he needs (school is his happy place).

Could anyone recommends a boarding school (not too far from London) that is academic and suitable for a high-functioning ASD and ADHD children please?

Many thanks in advance

There is no such thing as ‘high functioning’ autism or ADHD. Reads like he has a PDA profile, sending him to boarding school will not help with his mental health. What will happen is that beyond the structure of education it will come out in ‘down time’. You need support in how to manage meltdowns and out of routine times. If this isn’t supported now, how do you think he will manage as an adult when education finishes?

You want to send a disabled 7 year old to boarding school?
You must know that it's only your depression and sense of being overwhelmed that making this sound like a good idea.

It sounds really hard at home at the moment. Are you getting any help or support with his behaviour?

I doubt that school is his happy place and suspect more that he masks at school and then let’s it out at home.

i know how hard it is (have two asd and adhd children) but children acting in this way need so much love and support.

can I recommend you look at Naomi Fisher books and webinars as a good source of support and information. I would highly recommend.

with the right approaches and support in school your child will be able to cope. It’s a long road but it will get better.

I am going to try to make my reply as judgement free as possible, because I truly empathise. I am autistic and adhd, and have a lot of neuroldivergence in our house. However sending him away won’t help him. It will likely cause life long trauma and will possibly cause his mental health and behaviour to deteriorate. You absolutely do need support. Is there a social worker or a charity (we have several autism charities local to us that offer help for families), or even gp/school that you could go to to ask for support both at home and school.

He isn’t high functioning, but perhaps high masking. When he gets home from school and is in his safe environment he is dysregulated and is able to let up a day’s worth of “being typical”.

He needs better support at school to help prevent the dysregulation. Does he get movement breaks or access to a quiet space? Does he need support with verbal instructions? I got through primary school somehow without support and it was really traumatic, despite my parents and teachers thinking I was ok.

I can’t believe you really think that boarding school is really going to benefit your son?

I get it, I really do, I’ve got two with adhd and asd but, jfc, boarding school?

School is not his happy place, it’s just the place where he masks but when he’s at home the mask is off and all the frustration comes out.

Get yourself on a parenting course to find out how to manage him. Buy some support instead of using the money to send him off. Meet him where he is instead of forcing him to be where you are. Behaviour is communication and he’s telling you that he’s frustrated and overwhelmed.

One of my boys is now early 20’s and still can only name a few of his feelings.

ADHD and autism brains can’t cope with lots of instructions, one or two at a time

I agree with the other comments that this would be the wrong thing to do. I don’t agree with boarding schools at all. I have a son with autism and I’m in several sen groups - there are several boarding schools for children with sen in Norfolk, Bure Park, Bramfield House and Eaton Hall for example, but these are state funded and you’d need an ehcp and to apply through the ehcp process.

It would be better if you could access some paid support for your family so you could all have some respite / time to do things together but it doesn’t have to be boarding school that provides that. If you haven’t looked into it already contact your local council to see if they have a short breaks provision where you can apply to be given a budget to spend on days out / activities and paid childcare to help you facilitate these. We get £1500 a year but some families get more, some less. My son is at an autism specific specialist school but he doesn’t board.

It's entirely understandable why you're looking at this.

I'd say school is not his happy place. He's holding it together and then losing it at home from trying to mask / cope with school.

The behaviour sounds like PDA and it's incredibly difficult to deal with. If he's less stressed by school,he'll be easier at home.

Do your have an EHCP? You should apply for one. There are specialised schools for autistic pupils, some do boarding if it gets to the point you can't cope.

If you could have one night a week off and less stress in the home you'd probably not want him to go to boarding school. The trouble is there's little respite.

Seek advice from experts, private education psychologists, Sen school consultants. Weekly boarding could be beneficial for all of you..

The reason your child has no behaviour issues at school but acts out at home is because he feels safe to express himself at home, and feels unsafe and feels the need to be highly guarded and controlled at school. Please do not send him to boarding school, that would be a terrible idea. It works for some children but would destroy your child.

What you need is some specialist therapy to help your child to learn to express themselves in less destructive/violent ways. Find a play therapist or art therapist with a knowledge of neurodiversity.