DS' mental health and repeating Y12

[RealBlueBee]

Really conflicted about my DS' mental health. We're international parents and sent him to boarding school in England after international school in Hong Kong. Struggled with homesickness in Y9 but seemed to be doing well in Y10/11. Got 8A star (or 8/9 as they call them now) and 2 As in the end and with an 'A' in the EPQ and is doing English Lit, Politics, History and RE at A-Level now. However, starting from end of Y11 his mental health I feel has got worse. The school we sent him to is very 'all-rounded' ethos but its academics definitely do not take priority - sports (and music/drama to an extent) clearly dominate. Overall school results have also progressively declined of late. He is very angry/depressed about this. DS would randomly burst into tears when we call in the middle of a tirade about the school or comparing himself to other people (e.g. so-and-so in Y13 got so-and-so grades which were better than me at GCSE but still got rejected from UCL or whatever). The crying began again at the start of Y12 (which was not helped by the arrival of a new, stricter housemaster) and I flew over by the third week of term to speak with the school and to monitor his circumstances - I left last week and he seems to have stabilized but I am feeling very conflicted. He wanted to switch to a more academic school at Y12 start (e.g. Cardiff Sixth Form or Concord) but decided against it as none offer RE and are too STEM-heavy plus we didn't give a terms notice. However, I think he is considering coming back to Hong Kong at the end of Y12 to redo six form at an A-level International school which would mean repeating Y12. I feel quite helpless having paid so much money for 3 years + all to result in this - certainly feel that he was too young to be sent abroad. What on earth do I do?

Agree totally. The push, by parents , for their children to excel at everything, eventually something needs to give, and more often than not, it’s that young person’s mental health. Some kids just crumble under the very weight of their parents ambition, no matter or clever or capable.

Hi OP- I used to live in HK. What was your rationale for sending him to boarding school for Year 9? I only ask because there are pretty good reasons why parents choose that route, and obviously if he leaves his current school and goes back to HK, those factors will still be factors.

If I'm reading your OP correctly, your DS's main issue with the current school is that it's not very academic, but are the schools in HK that offer A levels any more so? From memory they are fairly academically broad and also don't offer politics (probably sensibly) or RE, so he'd have to choose different subjects.

I agree with pp that it's probably sensible to offer him the option to move back now and repeat (or even merge into, if spaces?) Year 12 in HK but he needs to consider the fact that it may not solve the problem.

yes he will be seeing a counsellor/therapist after half term that school has link to. school has experience in this matter (i asked about any stigma people might have around peers seeing therapists - apparently quite common nowadays amongst students).

Regarding DS's opinion, he flits between being totally fine at school and ranting off a litany of complaints about it. He HAS said that he could stick it out to the end of Y13 probably and he does seem calmer lately so hopefully it was just a phase he's over now. I'm not sure if its just the transition to A-Level that put him off/or just an unhappy period or if this is becoming to be a long-term thing. I suppose I will be able to tell soon enough. Tbh another big concern I have is his goal right now is very exam-focused which is probably what a lot of parents would want ironically but I don't want him turning into a soulless exam machine. Good results are obviously good but exam machines is what the old Hong Kong education system produced in my generation (including DH admittedly!) and I find they are all very academic and know lots of things but are totally clueless about real life.

I don't think many proper intl schools offer a-levels in HK outside of Kellet and Harrow HK. Harrow HK does have RS and Politics (I have no idea about Kellet) but both are very competitive to enter. Much more options for IB and he would have priority admission to his school but he hates math and science so that wouldn't be very good. As for our rationale he's an only child and frankly we thought he needed to know how to live with other people (plus we think he got his way too much at home!). His social skills has improved I do think as well as his ambition. He coasted along in Hong Kong but became much more ambitious in the UK. I think its because his school was such a mixed bag, a small minority being very academic (think straight 9s) and some being extremely poor academically (think having to drop multiple subjects and not making the pass mark consistently) he wanted to be the smart type. So in that respect its been good for him but as I said his MH has got worse since his ambition has increased and we started seeing more of this in Y11 closer to exam season.

Incidentally, is it common for kids nowadays to be so stressed about GCSEs/A-Levels. I grew up in a poor family and couldn't even buy extra textbooks/supplementary exercises but I do not remember being this stressed about the Hong Kong equivalent to GCSEs though in fairness it seems like eons ago (I always tell DS school will seem like a piece of cake once you get to my age).

we keep telling him as long as he passes its totally fine and as long as he's satisfied we're satisfied. I think he's just too nervous. He loves scoring the highest and feeling validated by academics but that's just not sustainable and most certainly unhealthy. Any one have any experience with children who base too much of their self-worth on studying?

It's the feeling he won't be enough, won't be good enough, won't be able to competitive enough. He's always been overly-worried and an overthinker so that's just his character. He's (self-described) useless at sports and music so he's staking it on academics as his path forward which is fine but I do have to remind him that no smart person ever feels they are good enough.

Also obviously he's from Hong Kong so DS knows some very smart kids who are successful examples from our local education system. These will be the type who will not only be talented in school but also in music and/or sports and can memorise ridiculous amounts quickly and are very well-practiced with exams and doing well in them. They have basically worked hard their whole life and their entire lives have been a cycle of extra classes, homework and competitions and (at the moment) seem very successful. I have to remind DS sometimes that these people started 'sprinting' in their childhoods whilst he actually had a fun primary school life and did what he liked and its not helpful to self-compare that way.

Any one have any experience with children who base too much of their self-worth on studying?

Yes, DD is like that. She used to say that anything less than an A felt like a failure. Luckily she didn't "fail" her A levels and achieved a first class degree. She puts too much pressure on herself.

He sounds really unhappy. Unfortunately there's a whole category of ex boarding school pupils who learned to suppress their emotions and tolerate situations that made them miserable, with life long repercussions. I would be bringing him back home into the family immediately

His main problem with repeating is just having to do an extra year at school and how annoying/stressful it would be to have to re-start A-Levels since they are so much harder than GCSE

I mean he revised way too much at GCSE in my opinion to the point where he would refuse to go to dinners with extended family to revise and get mad if I asked him to go for a family walk or something like that. I had to be very insistent about bedtimes - I'd rather he did the revision the next day then sleep at ridiculously late times (I've always been very strict with bedtimes I think teens really should be sleeping after 12). So he just feels very insecure about chance of success at A-Level since he had to work so hard at GCSE

Boarding school is absolutely fantastic if the child loves it. Yours doesn't so get him home and enrolled in an HK school this half term.
The money aspect is not great but you could afford to spend it, so you can afford to lose it. Just have to be philosophical about that.
Even if your son falls s year behind, he will still be in the same uni intake as his current peers who take gap years.

YES! This is my main problem. Can't work out of its just a wobble between GCSE and A-Level since the gap is apparently huge. Neither me or DH have experience with A-Level as we got into uni on GCSE only (we both found first year of A-Level very hard and the minute an offer came up we took it right away). Yes he's very much involved in MUN and Debating and wins prizes regularly in both as well as essay writing. He did a lot of those awards/competitions in Y10-11 but now wants to cut back on those as he thinks he has enough for UCAS and now should focus on getting those grades. In terms of giving him a clear guidance/plan for uni even if he's unhappy with what he gets at school we can always get some form of tutoring and I really hope that's the problem and not a mental health crisis.

His housemaster (whom he detests) and his tutor have regular chats with him. I'm not privy to what they discuss but from what his housemaster said to me I think he's been covering things up and pretending to be more 'fine' than he really is. He thinks the school sees him as a job but I do think they really care but he has a pretty negative view on everything the school does even if it is genuinely good in my opinion.

Incidentally, I've been a mother of a boy for 16 years and I still wish boys and men were less reluctant to talk about their feelings. I remember talking to DS' politics teacher (a woman) and she said how she spent most of her duty night in a girls' boarding house crying with other girls as they shared their problems. Most certainly not happening in boys' houses!

This might sound a bit direct but I have been in your son’s position and went through hell. I don’t want the same for him. Wanting to disappear whilst alone in your boarding school room with no one to tell is no childhood dream. No one had any idea about this. I only disclosed this years later in therapy.

To be perfectly honest, I have been where your son is and the most important thing is his health. It is not normal to burst into tears in the middle of a conversation about school and that needs to be taken seriously before he develops unhealthy coping mechanisms.

I wasn’t sent abroad so I could come straight home, get treatment and go back when I was well. I think you have to chalk this up to experience and make the decision to bring him home unless you’re going to come and live within an hours’ commute commute of the school you can have him home for exeats/floating exeats and holidays. Then you can use his medical insurance here in this country to get him help.

He hasn’t failed anything by being poorly. But you need to be the adult here and make the decision.

I would bring him home, withdraw him from school until the next school year and then re-start year 12 in September 25. The next 9 months should be spent getting his mental health restored and looking at Hong Kong or online schools that offer A levels and applying for 25/26 intake.

Even if he pushes through, he won’t do as well and will be his harshest critic. He will only be limping along until crashing at Uni. It is an important life lesson to learn when you need a break to take care of yourself before you have a total breakdown.

I am sorry to read this. I work in a school internationally (ME), and we have some studetns who have found Y12/13 really hard. The parents then came back and stayed locally to support them. Can you do this?