DS' mental health and repeating Y12

[RealBlueBee]

Really conflicted about my DS' mental health. We're international parents and sent him to boarding school in England after international school in Hong Kong. Struggled with homesickness in Y9 but seemed to be doing well in Y10/11. Got 8A star (or 8/9 as they call them now) and 2 As in the end and with an 'A' in the EPQ and is doing English Lit, Politics, History and RE at A-Level now. However, starting from end of Y11 his mental health I feel has got worse. The school we sent him to is very 'all-rounded' ethos but its academics definitely do not take priority - sports (and music/drama to an extent) clearly dominate. Overall school results have also progressively declined of late. He is very angry/depressed about this. DS would randomly burst into tears when we call in the middle of a tirade about the school or comparing himself to other people (e.g. so-and-so in Y13 got so-and-so grades which were better than me at GCSE but still got rejected from UCL or whatever). The crying began again at the start of Y12 (which was not helped by the arrival of a new, stricter housemaster) and I flew over by the third week of term to speak with the school and to monitor his circumstances - I left last week and he seems to have stabilized but I am feeling very conflicted. He wanted to switch to a more academic school at Y12 start (e.g. Cardiff Sixth Form or Concord) but decided against it as none offer RE and are too STEM-heavy plus we didn't give a terms notice. However, I think he is considering coming back to Hong Kong at the end of Y12 to redo six form at an A-level International school which would mean repeating Y12. I feel quite helpless having paid so much money for 3 years + all to result in this - certainly feel that he was too young to be sent abroad. What on earth do I do?

Bring him home as soon as possible.

I suggested he take some time off school but he refused because he doesn't want to 'fall behind', I just feel that in his eyes everything is about getting A stars which just isn't healthy and I have told him that being street smart > book smart based on my own life experience. But will try nudging him into going back home if it doesn't improve from here.

I agree he sounds so unhappy.
Or go to the uk and live with him there for two years.

I'd bring him back and get him into counselling. Bursting into tears at that age shows he's really struggling.

One key thing is does he actually want to repeat? Or will he see that as "failure"?

If he's keen talk to some of the international schools in HK (not necessarily the one he went to before as his peers will have moved on or if he repeats a year they'll be in a different one). Get a clear view on options first and then maybe get him home to look at them - if he lived there he probably knows most of the options and indeed kids who go there.

To be honest international schools and boarding schools tend to send kids to Uni (just consider the demographics) so wherever he goes there will be a focus on grades/acceptances. Is he only interested in the "prestigious" Unis? What does he want to do - would looking more broadly help?

Either way I do think he needs to be somewhere he can walk away from that environment at the end of class and decompress. The alternative - as a PP said - is you move to the UK for the period but that depends on broader family dynamics.

Is he concerned he won’t get the grades he wants/needs?
Or concerned he won’t get offers from his preferred unis?
Based on his GCSE results he sounds very able and I’m sure the school are providing the teaching and support to enable him to reach his target grades. It doesn’t really matter if overall the percentage of students getting A/A star changes as long as your DS still gets his grades.
Re the university offers, that’s more nuanced as universities are not looking just for top scores but are also looking to widen intakes, encourage under represented groups and manage the home/international student mix. Perhaps it would help if you are able to arrange to visit find prospective universities with him?

Recommend you talk to Charles Banbury who is an education advisor and longstanding teacher. He advises parents on school issues and mentors pupils. Boys especially open up to him. He is honestly wonderful. www.charlesbanbury.co.uk/

Hes still so young. And he’s in a foreign country, on the other side of the world - he needs to be around his parents not a “stricter headmaster”, he clearly needs the support of the family structure. It sounds like he is more than capable, academically wise, so he’ll do fine any where. Please put your son, and his all round needs, before the so called prestige of sending him to some international school.

You can't leave a boy who is in distress and regularly crying in the care of a school. You bring him home, into the hub of the family.

I agree that he needs to come home. Redoing year 12 is not being a failure.

Please bring him home for his sake.

This should not be his decision to make. You have created a perfect storm of mental health problems here which a child is having to deal with 1000’s of miles from his home. just because a parent CAN send their child away to live in a highly competitive environment doesn’t mean they should!
If you value your DSs mental well-being, you need to bring him home immediately and get him some good support. School / college / exams can all wait.

Either visit him and try get him the support he needs or bring him home but either way you need professional help.

IMO - try to keep him where he is, if he wants to stay. He can see Dr, also can prob do video calls w Dr. school should be supportive - there are many children in UK boarding schools who are confronting challenges of academics, sports, family stress. He is not only one.
Brining him home could be a big disruptor - not being in school, being in “outside” of any affiliation or group.
He may have emerging mental health concern that you should not ignore. You might be able to find a specialist in UK with experience from your culture. Some Embassy websites list medical professionals in UK who know your culture/language.

Surely a more academic school will just add to pressure. He should not need 4 A Levels , 3 better grades are more important than 4 lesser. Perhaps consider dropping a subject if he stays. Will he go back to HK for half term?

Gosh this is so sad, poor lad. He sounds very stressed.

seems that he has been taught to put all of his value in his academic achievements and now he is buckling under the pressure.

agree he needs to be with family and removed from this competitive environment in school but it’s very possible that a move will also be destabilising.

perhaps you returning so he can stay at his school but live at home with you might be the best scenario?

If you move him home ASAP you might still be able to get him an in-year transfer to start year 12 now in HK at an international school if you move fast. It's not yet the first half term of the year and a lot of places would be open to accepting him. I'd phone/email/wechat around places today and see if anywhere will have him so he doesn't have to repeat the year as it's so early in the school year.

It’s great you flew over to see him but what are the school doing day to day to help his stress? He sounds very unhappy and school should be offering supports to get him to where he wants to be.

I agree just bring him home. No one at the international in HK need to know he’s ’repeating’, he can just say he came home from boarding school.

This. He needs his family. Are you able to move to the UK for the rest of his 6th form years? He sounds as though he is putting way too much academic pressure on himself.

Going back to HK and becoming a day pupil at another school would seem to be the best option. Is there any way he could do that now? If he repeats Y12 that's not a failure, but he might see it as such plus what will he do between now and next September?

Having crashed and burned in my A level year, I would think it is much better to repeat year 12 than having to repeat year 13. It sounds like he might need a mental health break to reset. If he is too stressed he just won't be able to learn no matter how much he wants to.

Echoing the other posters, get him home now. To be blunt, fuck the money. You have a son who is crying down the phone because he’s so anxious about perceived ‘failure’. Get him home and get him some mental health support.

To me it is a no brainer - education at the expense of mental health? Mental health comes first every time.

Can he go day at his current school and you live locally and get him tutoring after school if he wants that?

This, are you both working abroad or is one of you a 'trailing spouse' if that's still the right terminology?
If so and you still have property in the UK, that parent should come home to be with their child.

OP also the step up from GCSE to A level is huge! A lot of the brightest kids can struggle as many get away with last minute revision at GCSE. Most have to adjust at A level. He would be better off doing just 3 A levels and aiming for A stars and tutor in the holidays if you must.

I would drop the RE even if he is aiming for PPE at uni. It’s too many essay based subjects.

Cambridge uni has a list for super-curriculars per subject that he can try and do if he is really academic. Lots of our kids cope in state schools with not much help from the school. And I would have thought a private school has debating at least like Model UN?
I guess all I am saying is that plenty of kids have a wobble at the start of year 12 and you need to get to the bottom of whether it’s a genuine mental health crisis vs he just wants clear guidance/a plan for uni and good grades (that part isn’t complicated if the former is ok).
If it’s a proper mental health crisis then 100 per cent you bring him home!