Home sick and wants to leave

[Peggycat]

How do you all cope when your child messages saying they are finding boarding school too stressful and want to leave? He only started in Sept, and I imagine homesickness is hitting hard. Any useful strategies, or things you have said to your child that helped them? Thanks for any advise offered.

To add on to some other suggestions mentioned above.

Talk to the housemaster/housemistress to see if he/she can find a same year buddy, tasked with helping him settle in and essentially be around to help. Not sure if your school already has this system. We have that system in our school for Y9 (as our school starts in Y7). Also ask if there is a LVI student to talk to him. Our DD had an older more mature girl (and who obviously had been boarding for a while) talk to her regularly to help her and just talk things over.

Then you can also ask for the school counsellor. Many students have counselling nowadays, there is absolutely no stigma with that.

My daughter had a “secret iPad” to text /call me on FaceTime. A lot of times she had a quick cry with mum, then felt better. Or we just texted miss you 😢 etc
Phones were not allowed school rules at night … but I allowed secret iPad to keep in touch when she felt weak

Have a chat with the matron. They see this all the time, and the vast majority of kids get over it after a few weeks.

@Peggycat are you able to visit him for a few hours at the weekend just to reassure him that he has not been forgotten about?

I would just ask if he would rather come and enrol on a school beside you, and go with what he chooses.

It is unfair to pit this on a child. How on earth would he know what it would feel like? He tried it, he doesn't like it. It might make sense on paper, but if he really wants to leave, he should go home.

It’s really common for the year 9s who are new to boarding to get some feelings of homesicknessness October to November. It’s the degree of it that matters.
most importantly open up a regular communication channel with his housemaster/house parent and talk frankly what you are hearing and let them investigate from their side.
I would be more surprised if a child didn’t experience some form of homesickness in that first term - but for 99% these feelings quickly lessen to nothing .
what makes it worse is the dog tiredness they can feel adjusting to a new school and the incredibly full lives they lead at a boarding school - although conversely it is exactly this kind of fulfilment that they will come to thrive and develop their full potential and what makes them love their boarding school but it doesn’t seem like that in October in term 1 !! …. But it takes time to adjust to the pace of this alongside not being at home. So you need to give it time to make sure you don’t do your child a disservice pulling them out of somewhere they will thrive in.
it is usual to give it to Christmas to decide. Clearly a couple of weeks is far too soon to hook a child out of school!

create a plan with your child about what will happen at Christmas if the homesickness has not abated at all and he is unhappy. He needs to know he has choices . That’s when I think you’d need to hand your notice in and pull him out (although you will be liable for another term’s fees but that’s just unavoidable).

The houseparent will be able to keep a close eye on the meantime and see the bits you can’t - when he’s having fun with his mates in the evening, or enjoying matches on a Saturday or a trip out on a Sunday. And as long as the good times start to outweigh the bad, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

bug hugs to you and your ds in what must be a gut wrenching time for you both. It’s not forever - whatever way the decision goes.
your gut will probably tell you what the likely outcome is but also listen closely to the house parent as they will have had huge amount of experience dealing with this exact same situation. It happens every year and is very normal!

I'm a former boarder. This is about the time that most new boarders go through a stretch of homesickness; a lot of the novelty has worn off but they often still haven't fully embedded into deeper friendships and found their rhythm to make it feel like home. Most will settle, and the fact that he was the one who wanted to board is a good indicator he'll be among them. I agree with others that unless you get indicators that something is horribly wrong, I would ask him to stay through Christmas and then you can explore other options - either coming home or looking at different options for Y10 where he wouldn't need to board.

In the meantime, definitely talk to his head of house and/or tutor (whoever is his key point of contact) both to get their insight and so they can help on their end. And ask your DS about what you can send or have delivered for his room, or familiar treats you can send.

One of the best boarding tips I have is to schedule phone calls like we used to before everyone had cell phones. This helps with keeping in contact but it also means they're not only texting/calling in the bad moments when they need to vent or ask for something. It can give you a better picture but it's also important for him to spend time talking about neutral and happy things so he isn't only rehashing the negative. Try to aim for a time of day when he'll be more likely to be in a good mood (like between activities and dinner), even if it's only for a 2-3 minute call. Of course I am not suggesting you don't let him talk to you about the negatives or force him to only be positive, but it can help both of you to shake the pattern of calling/texting mum only in the bad moments.

This

Why have kids if you don't want t look after them?

Definitely speak to the housemaster and see if they can find some ways to help. Any decent school will have some tricks up their sleeve at this point

I would make it clear you won't make him stay indefinitely but also that wobbles can be normal and working through them can make you stronger.

Are you near enough to fly over for a visit/get a family member to visit?

It's very early days to settle in a new school, boarding or not. That said, I would keep it under review and make sure you are checking in regularly

Just bring him back to you. Keep him off until he can start a day school when you move to the U.K.

Given the relentless barrage of negative posts, I offer but a few more comments:

Anyone who hangs around a boarding school forum without any genuine interest in the subject, only to tell an already distraught mother that she’s a bad parent, is so lacking in basic human empathy that their opinions should hold no value.

It is entirely possible to be boarded yet remain extremely close with your parents. I did so with mine, and my daughters remain so with me. People will complain about someone who boards their child yet spends every day talking on the phone and email and every moment of every holiday together with their child, but not say a word against a parent working 120h weeks in the City, leaving their child with a nanny every day.

There has never been a lower percentage of children boarded than today, and there has never been more overprotective parents than now, yet the number of children with mental health issues has never been higher.

Who knows, maybe the real damage is being caused by some smug, sanctimonious besserwisser on this forum…

Let him come home and go to a local school.. boarding will give him MH issues for life

Anyone who hangs around a boarding school forum without any genuine interest in the subject, only to tell an already distraught mother that she’s a bad parent, is so lacking in basic human empathy that their opinions should hold no value.

We aren't hanging around the forum and everyone is entitled to their opinion. I'm afraid you are deluding yourself if you think you remain close to your child when you send them away to board

If you do decide he has to stay, just check his mental health, a few months for a child is a long time in reality for them. I had a child who had an existential crisis at 13, she's not been back to school since, 2.5 years later, so just be very aware of tire child's MH

Poor kid has tried to choose between the least shit of the two options. In no way was this a positive choice! It's just not normal to be abroad for a long period at this vulnerable age. Let him come home if he wants. Your relationship and more importantly his mental health may never recover if he feels you ignored him when he was most in need, because of your careers.

It's still very early in the new term and he is just through the honeymoon phase. So this reaction is totally normal.

Don't pull him now. It's far too early for him to make a decision. He needs to relax into it and learn the ropes. And work out his new relationship with you.

Ask him to stick at it until Christmas and then you can revisit where he is at with it and make a new plan.

And promise him to do a proper reflection during half term and to discuss how you can help.

In the meantime speak to the house pastoral care team and his tutor. Make sure they know and ask them to tell you what they are doing to support him.

And yes. It's a tough gig boarding for the first time with parents overseas. It can feel overwhelming on top of the increased pressure of organising oneself.

I boarded from 13 when my parents moved overseas. It was tough.

However my siblings and I mostly enjoyed our time there and agree it was great for us.

In those days most boarding houses didn't allow exeat weekends until after half term. To allow you the time to settle.

I went to boarding

20+ years down the road I’m incredibly grateful that my parents let me board when that’s what I wanted. I know they’d rather have kept me home and they faced some sanctimonious anti-boarding rubbish from people who didn’t actually know me or my individual needs, but ultimately they put me before their own feelings and impulses and supported my taking a big leap by helping me find the right school and encouraging me to give it a real go. It was one of the best things they did for me as parents, and I appreciate it even more now that I’m a mum and understand how frightening that would have been for them.

Boarding is certainly not the right choice for every child or family and school fit is vital. But no one on this board is in a better position to make that decision for OP and her son than they are, and blanket statements about boarding are useless.

I’d put his needs ahead of everything & bring him home.

I boarded and I am still incredibly close to my mum and dad so that is nonsense.

OP, it is impossible to board and not feel homesick at times, particularly at the beginning when your friends aren’t very established. You always have to put on a front for others and that can be a bit relentless. He must have an exeat weekend coming up. Will you be seeing him then or is it too far? What about half term? It sounds like he needs a bit of a break.

My son went to boarding school for one year - then he switched to day.

He didn't get on with all the noisy kids (he likes his sleep) and misbehaving (he's a rules follower), but he stuck it out for a year, with frequent visits from me, as well as nightly calls, so after a year he switched to day pupil.

This is the worst spot for homesickness - a few weeks in, it's starting to get cold and dark, Mid-term/Christmas seem such a long way away. Either he'll come through it or he won't.

My son didn't and now he's a day pupil instead, which has its issues, but he's much happier - and even considering going back to boarding when he's a senior as the long commute isn't brilliant for getting his prep in.

Edit - and our relationship is as close as ever - he understands why he was trying boarding, he understands why he couldn't just stop, and he understands that we made the change when we could.

People are not “hanging around” a boarding school forum - this thread appeared in Active.

He’s telling you he wants to come home - you go and get him. Both my kids boarded and that was the agreement we had.

I would go and get him.