Boarding wobble

[sheep73]

DS2 is lined up to weekly board from yr7 at a new school. We live just over an hour from the school so a daily commute would be a schlep. He has experience of Flexi boarding.

He has been full steam ahead until the induction day and night and now very wobbly. The reality of leaving his school and starting again in September has hit him.

We are reasonably confident the school will be a good fit academically and for his interests.

In others' experience how long do boarders take to settle? He has had residential trips of 4-5 nights so I'm not expecting any problems but the change of school and boarding are two biggies at once.

Any advice on how to ease the transition would be welcome. I'm more than happy to.pop up there and visit him if that would help?

We had this. DD was massively keen to board, incredibly excited and threw us out on the first night, but then crashed. Massively.

I'll be honest, it took all the first term for her to settle. We wouldn't have kept her there indefinitely if there wasn't any progress but it took a real leap of faith to trust the staff that it would be ok. We went up a couple of times mid week but were guided by staff if it was appropriate/beneficial.

And it was. From term 2 she's thrived. Summer sports are definitely her thing so this term has been even better.

But I completely understand. There were a few of us on last years newbies thread who had wobblers so I get it. And it's been a long haul but she wouldn't move now.

I hope this helps give you some reassurance?

At year 7 he will be glad to get his “freedom” and will settle from the moment you wave bye at him. At that age I was glad to get rid of my parents and loved the experience of “adulthood” with my fellow students. Best time of my life.

popping up and visiting may or may not be embarrassing for him. It’s more of a comfort action for you as a mother rather than him!

I know this will not be welcome but..

Do they settle - or do they just eventually understand that no-one is coming for them?

At that age they will probably not know themselves. It's only when they struggle as adults that they may be able to understand a repressed sense of abandonment.

Year 6 and younger is incredibly young to have experienced even flexi-boarding.

I'm not trying to bash you, I know you will yourselves have probably been brought up in this system - just asking you to consider these aspects over the coming term.

One of my sons used to cry terribly every time we took him to school. However he quickly settled down. At age 11 we gave him and his brother the chance to go to the local comprehensive school. They both refused as they were happy at boarding school.

thestudio both our kids have flexiboarded one or two nights a week by their own choice. Not our convenience or any other reason. We live 30mins from school. They choose to do it because it's a sleepover with their friends.
Both our kids are happy to Flexi / weekly board but not full board. They are clear on that.
We have looked at all schooling options but our local school is dire.
It's sensational to say they realise no one is coming for them..

my 53 year old best friend still isn't over it

mkdmumofflash that's incredibly helpful thankyou.

I suspect he will be cheery at first but then will get tired and it will lose it's newness and excitement.. I'm bracing myself for a bumpy ride but it's good to know the timeframe

Notalexa this is my greatest fear!! I'm the heartbroken one!

Nellielephant heartbreaking I know. It's good to know he settled.

I'm hoping being weekly boarding he will settle more quickly than full boarding.. fingers and toes crossed..

combination padlock weekly boarding?

My sister 58 has not forgiven my parents but that was full boarding at age 7 from another continent.. but that's completely different to weekly boarding an hour away. We will be able to visit him during the week if he needs. That's quite different to not seeing your parents for months..

We had a little Spanish girl come to our school for the summer term of 2021. Thanks to COVID she didn't even go home for half term.. now that would effect any child..

Boarding is just awful.Kids are either bullied or the bullies.After a term or so they become resigned to it.

Unless the child wants to board it seems cruel. One of my dc chose to board at 16 but under that I would only consider in specific or exceptional circumstances

Changing schools is a nervous time for most children (and their parents). Most adults I know get similarly nervous about upcoming starts at new jobs or having their first child - the prospect of leaving what we're comfortable with behind and diving into the unknown is just a tough thing to sit with, and excitement and nervousness are very similar to our bodies and brains.

If your DS hadn't been keen on the prospect of weekly boarding then my advice would be different, but as is I would approach this similarly to how I would for any student having some worry about moving to secondary school. Keep talking with your DS. Acknowledge that his nerves are normal and that change is intimidating for most people. Offer to help get answers to any specific questions he has even if they feel like tiny details; being able to picture what things will be like at the new school can really help. Don't discourage him from discussing the potential "negatives" but do encourage him to balance it with talk/thoughts about what he's excited about, reminding him that it's normal to have some excitement and some worry at the same time.

And (while I definitely wouldn't dwell on it a ton) remind him that him wanting to board is the most important thing, so if it turns out not to be a good fit after he's given it a real go then you'll explore other options together.

We had a bit of this with youngest DC after a change of school for a better academic fit. Like yours my DC really wanted to go to this school and was used to tri-boarding at prep (DC had asked to do it to spend downtime with friends so we let them even though it was 10 minutes from home) but even so the first couple of weeks after moving school were a rollercoaster. The change to a much bigger school, new people, adjusting to the new surroundings, different timetable structure, faster academic pace all at once was overwhelming, total culture shock. I reassured DC that if they weren't happy they could leave any time, boarding for mine is entirely child led, but we asked them to give it a chance for a few weeks first so it was always in their power to choose. In that time I drove over and took DC out for supper a few times and we went to the cinema, but after a couple of weeks school life took over and they immersed themselves to the point the panicky texts were replaced by memes and jokes and my texts went unanswered mostly because they were so busy. They're happy well adjusted DC who wouldn't quit boarding for anything, and they are neither bullies nor bullied despite a PPs ignorant comment.

My advice is put your DC in charge of his choice rather than him feeling its happening to him or his world is spinning beyond his control. Simple stuff like letting him choose his bedlinen, take him clothes shopping for some cool teenager stuff (mine always buys himself black calvin klein underpants and checked pyjama bottoms), have a laugh about the list of clubs and societies he won't want to do so the place doesn't seem quite so intimidating, drive up there over the summer and explore the local haunts with him, find the local sweet shop the DC pile into after prep, browse the local shops, buy groceries and use the local filling station, treat it like its your home town, normalise the place so it doesn't seem quite so new/strange to him.

Its not 'OMG an hour' away, it's less travelling time than some day pupils have to do where I live (walk, bus, train, walk then the reverse journey home).

And contact your housemaster for advice and support too, you won't be the only one.

Ignore people saying ‘boarding is evil’. All generalisations are inaccurate in many cases.

we know a lot of people who boarded during eras from 60s-current day and whilst some of those who boarded at prep level without any choice in the matter all within the past 25yrs or so have settled, enjoyed it and feel they benefited hugely. All in different ways of course. They all knew that their parents would find a day school if they didn’t like boarding.

weekly boarding, with modern communication and tech, is a different species to ‘trunk and child dropped at train station to be seen again at the end of term’.

reassure your ds that fear is normal. If it were my child I would be saying that you can reconsider if he really doesn’t settle, hates it, is unhappy etc. I would also say that about a day school as wwell!

Thankyou. DC1 moved at the end of prep school and the academic transition to the new senior day school was poorly handled. She was randomly put in set 3 for everything and it took a term to move to set 1.. there was lots of crying and requests to be home schooled. It was painful and we gave rolling notice at half term. She went for taster days at two other schools but decided to stay where she was.
She's doing fine now - academically and socially much happier.
So I guess we've already been burnt once and I'm keen to avoid the same trauma.. which is part of why DC2 is going to a different school..
But my point is also kids can be very unhappy and wobbly at day schools too and being a day pupil is not necessarily a ticket to happiness (in our experience)..
Thankyou to those who gave helpful input. Much appreciated

but it is a fraction of their lives rather than the majority of their lives, that is the difference, however much they hate day school. And most kids dont like school.

And a term to be moved up is perfectly reasonable in my opinion. You can't disrupt setting on the basis of one end of topic exam. You need set points in the year, and set times when everyone has all their exam results in from several topics, to disrupt sets.

I disagree - they all sat the same exam in various topics at the end of the previous term and 20 kids joined 60 kids so there was a big reshuffle in any case.. in the end the school admitted they'd been looking at the wrong scores 😕. Complete fnck up and incompetence causing unnecessary stress.

Our kids have always enjoyed school and keen to participate in after school activities.

@sheep73 our school doesn’t do taster or induction overnights because they say they are never as helpful as you would think! It’s just not long enough to get to know anyone or get used to the routine, which are two of the most helpful tools to settling in.

advice from me (parent of a happy boarder):

• it takes them a bit of time to get used to quickly switching from home mode to school mode and vice versa. To help with that, don’t be tempted to “pop up” to make an unscheduled visit or take them “out” for the night - wait until they are due to come home for first exeat or the weekend (if weekly boarding)
• kids take their cue from their parents - they will pick up on your confidence or anxiety. So be as positive as possible.
• do not make any changes until the end of term. From the start I told DS he could leave at Christmas if he didn’t like it, which was long enough to give it a good try. When it came to Christmas he wouldn’t hear of moving, he was having too good a time.
• if you don’t hear from them, it’s a good sign!

Thankyou thingaling that's helpful.