What do you look for in a good HSM?

[C6H12O6]

As a boarding HSM, I’m always looking to improve - what do you look for from your House Master / Mistress? What makes them good / bad?

from both a parent and child PoV?

The more communication, the better! Contrary to popular belief most of us don't board our kids because we're happy to see them go but because we believe it offers the best overall education and unmatched extracurricular activities. Photos are always appreciated!

I am not a parent, but guardian of nephews/nieces who only have a father (mother died young). The most important thing is honesty and real care for the children and a good value system. I think teaching them kindness and ethics is just as important as academics/extra curricular. And I think as a HM the pastoral ethical role is paramount because you are setting an example as a human which they will model themselves on as they are so impressionable at this age. Also, all young people make mistakes and I would except a housemaster or mistress to stand up for their protégés vs senior management/rest of school if there are any minor issues. So they feel part of a boarding family and they can trust you.

I think it is actually a really difficult and important role. So it is not for the faint hearted or anyone with big challenges themselves.
I would also hope that if a child is not thriving in that environment that you would be allowed to tell the parents immediately and have an open dialogue about it. Very important that there are checks and balances in place which prevent children from being treated like cash cows and that their personal best interest is always put first,

The house mistress/master is more important than the head of a secondary school IME - we’ve had two so far, and both have been good. Clear boundaries but wise with a sense of humour and the ability not to fixate on tiny issues. And a strong enough character to have proper control of their house and on top of any bullying etc. I’ve also found the matron to be super important in terms of pastoral care and creating a positive, happy atmosphere in the house (and them having a positive working relationship with the HM) so they act as a team.
I’ve seen from friends and my own experience back in the day that things can get out of control very quickly.

Don't be a drunk. Over the years in two different leading public schools the number of alcoholic housemasters was unbelievable

Don't reward troublemakers to try to make them better. It sends he wrong message and you lose the respect of the other students.

Undoubtedly sound advice... Though perhaps a rather low bar for an HSM such as the OP with sufficient wherewithal to actively seek parent and child feedback.

The other suggestion I have with regards to children is that if a HM is eg an English teacher who prefers poetry/music/books but the child is really sporty, then please pick a tutor they can gel with or vice versa. I think it is really good for children to have 2 different types of adults in their lives as key persons. Probably not articulating this very well. However, sometimes eg a really musical sensitive history obsessed boy ends up in a sporty year group/ house - please at least give them a tutor that accords with their interests and vice versa for a really sporty boy in a peer group that is different from them. I think the very rich schools have the resources to do this kind of set up where the child is matched to the house/peer group etc but the smaller schools should also aim for it, rather than just assigning a house and saying all of year 9 has this tutor etc. Of course, Matron may do as well depending on their personality.
It is important there is no dominance between the key adults in the house either. One of the boarding schools I looked at for DN had a really army type HM in charge and he was downright rude/disrespectful towards the Matron. We can really see this kind of thing instantly.

This was at also our experience at a 'leading' public school. The toxic relationship between housemaster and matron was also a major contributing factor. Neither should have been in their position and both still are.The housemaster has never taught at another school so won't be moving on at this stage. I agree it's a very low bar.....

I am far too cynical at this stage to believe that the housemaster describes @Araminta1003 exists.
I hope he/she does.

Name changed as I have mentioned DS's school in a previous post.

I have had 4 HSMs so far (junior house, main house, a change at sixth form) all were good experiences.

Setting the tone in house is important, as others have said a happy, supportive atmosphere between HSM, matron, residents and cleaning staff is key. We have always seen this.

Understanding the individual child and accepting their personality type. One of my children is a clever, polite, very conscientious introvert. Not a problem in the classroom but in house she is not one of the girls to volunteer for stuff, hug the other girls or join in much basically! Of course she had to do a certain amount of joining in but both her HSMs accepted her as a bookish type who did not enjoy for example a costume party etc (she would be asked to attend for 30 mins and then given the wink and allowed back to her dorm with a resident in house). They were very good with her. As parents this was really appreciated by us. Our son is very kind (but lazy and does the minimum to get by) and he was tasked with buddying up with and sharing a room with a new boy coming from a state school and supervising the youngest year group in his house. Not unusual jobs at all but his HSM knew where he would be helpful and my son really enjoyed these roles and I saw myself how the younger boys in house were fond of him.

Flexibility is important. Our son had a HSM who ran a tight ship, he was very good but inflexible. For example, it was almost impossible to get any wiggle room on taking our son out of school after games on Saturday if it was an ‘in weekend’.

Good humour, a HSM needs to be young at heart, enjoy the hustle and bustle of young people.

Zero tolerance to bullying, stamp it out quickly.

As I say our experiences were all good relationships, certainly didn’t come across any drinking!

This is a really nice idea in theory but then what happens if the HM leaves - does the school have to pick a similarly sporty/musical or whatever replacement?

That’s how schools end up with sporty houses, musical houses or whatever which isn’t really ideal.

I personally think that a key characteristic of the perfect HM would be the ability/flexibility to empathise with and get on with students of any personality type/interests. Our current HM is head of sport and my DS is no sports specialist but he is a wise person with a sense of humour and they get on well.

Having had to remove one DC due to an appalling HM who was neither approachable or honest (actively pretended children had clubs and were entertained in the evenings when they were in fact left in dorms on devices which were being abused by some pupils) I have specific things I look for now. I want to know about whether the children like and get on with the HM - are they approachable to the children, not just pally with the parents. Do the children when asked (yes I want to speak to a child who boards) confirm what they say when they are not in the room - clubs for example, or do they look awkward if asked in front on HM and look to them for clues as to what the answer is meant to be? I want to know how many children board in each year and whether they are full/weekly. We were actively mislead about the numbers when we started in our prior school and in fact there were tiny amounts boarding for each year group, which would have been a huge red flag. I also, perhaps due to the issues we experienced, want to know how many Chinese boarders there are. In our experience many of these are not keen on extra activities and schools who rely heavily on them for boarding numbers will cut clubs due to lack of demand. They also seem to feel the need to be sterner with Chinese pupils and are actively encouraged to be so by parents and guardians, which simply won't work for an English child who is away from home for the first time and potentially the only English speaker. I'm sure I will get some stick for that comment but the cultural differences came quite starkly into focus with our experience.

@curiousandcuriouserrrr Completely fair to point out cultural differences. Overseas students can definitely influence the culture of a school, though I personally find their work attitude impressive and think perhaps that particular influence may be positive to some degree.

To be fair, at my DD’s school the majority of overseas Chinese students participate in lots of extra curriculum activities (though perhaps more in musical instruments than sports…) It may be different at schools with a higher proportion of overseas students (less than 15% at DDs school)

My DD moved to an all girls school for sixth form. DD is an introverted maths and science girl. She has quite a few girls from China, Malaysia and South Korea in her lessons and in her house. My DD has made good friends with these girls and finds them very smart and hard working but also incredibly kind and she has lots of fun with them. The school has clear rules on participation in sports and signing up for extracurricular clubs etc. Everyone joins in and is kept busy whether it’s fencing, kick boxing, pilates or board games. The only point of contention so far has been they find fish and chips on Friday puzzlingly bland and my DD has started requesting spicy noodle dishes at home. I must confess I had reservations about my DD having Chinese girls in her class (not sure what reservations exactly, just the unknown I guess? but I did have them) and I have been completely won round.

This may seem obvious, but getting to know the children as individuals rather than a one size fits all approach. One of my children needs carrot to thrive, another could do with a touch of the (metaphorical!) stick… I would be so impressed if HMs would get in touch with parents personally at the start of new intake and ask them to talk about their child. No HM wants an over solicitous parent, but on the other hand the parents have spent 11-13 years with their child and should have a fairly good idea of what makes them tick and how to motivate them!

Finding one thing that gives a child confidence and encouraging them is such a great way to get a child to flourish, whether that is glory on the rugby pitch, acting in the house play or being the best at table football in the common room…
But I do appreciate what an exhausting job being an HM is - I suppose you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t like children and that is all we really want as parents - to feel like our child has someone at school who likes and ‘sees’ him.
Bit baffled by the HMs (fewer now but they do still exist) who really don’t seem to like kids at all! Clearly not the OP and what a great question to post here!