Finding it hard to connect with other school mums as a black parent

[butterflygold]

Hi Ladies, my DC has been at two schools as we moved last year, but I have found the middle class mums in both schools difficult to connect with.

I have no interest in being best friends with these people but I don’t want my DC to miss out on play dates etc. we have had some people over, but I actually find it easier for my husband to organise with the dads (he is white and never seems to have any problems fitting in).

is it me? Also am I worrying about something which is a no issue. My DC is 6 so at this stage I have to organise play dates etc but I assume when she gets older this will be less of an issue.

i tried to organise some Christmas drinks, one mum I am friends with was ill and couldn’t come, and then none of the others came - they didn’t really give any reasons.

the whole things is just very vexing - how dos anyone else deal with this?

I have exactly the same issue. FWIW I’m white (well mixed but I look white) and Dh is black. He is far better at arranging social things however we don’t really do play dates etc. I feel like since covid things have really changed. My kids have only just been invited to a birthday party each. I have one dc in reception and one in year 5. I remember being at birthday parties constantly as a child. I wouldn’t take it personally I just think covid really changed dynamics

@butterflygold OP, I think it is an issue that is experienced by many black mums. I had a similar experience when my DC was born. I never connected with any of the other NCT mums and was left well and truly out of the circle.

I decided that I didn’t want my DC to grow up in this non-inclusive environment so I put DC into a private school, out of the area. The school has a bit more diversity than where we live. While DC is still so young I’m pleased to say that DC has made friends and has been on a number of playdates.

It’s difficult for black mums in middle-class, predominately white areas. There is no doubt. In which area do you live?

kids friendships will happen naturally then you get to know the parents naturally too that’s been my experience I’ve never tried to force connections also black mum in predominantly white are although quite diverse unless you're new to the area ?

Do you think it's because your husband is happy in his own skin?

It doesn't matter how white you look, you are not white. It seems like a really odd thing to flippantly say. Most of my family 'look white ' but we would never start of a sentence how you have. It's jaw droppingly odd.

I live in Ealing - it is relatively diverse but there are only two other black (one black one mixed race) children in Dd’s class. Although I suppose that’s 3 out of 30 so 10%.

We moved to the area almost a year ago - DD was in the last half term of reception before summer so I was keen for her to try to make new friends as we were in a different area.

This is her 3rd school - she was at the first school until Easter of reception, a second school in this area for 5 weeks and now this school (we won’t move her again)

@butterflygold Oh wow! What's the reason for all the change?

I know Ealing. Have you attempted to reach out to the other parents with black and mixed-race children?

Do you mean at the school or outside the school? We are friends with the other black child’s parents in her class and have arranged a few play dates. The other child’s parents are not around much (it’s the grandma that drops her). She has other friends outside of the school and we do other activities, performing arts, football etc - but I wanted to try and cultivate more friendships in the school as that is where she spends most of her time.

We moved to Ealing to be closer to my father who has some health problems, closer into London and for more diversity in the schools.

We couldn’t get her into the closest school when we first moved as no places- she joined another school much further away and then this place came up. I have another child and much prefer this local school so decided to move her once more. I didn’t want two children in separate schools - my son starts this Sept.

Is it your place to tell someone how to refer to themselves? If they look white then that's the experience they will have of life. That could be why they use that label.

do you think it might be to do with moving part way through the year? The friendship groups have formed now and people are less social?
for what it’s worth, at my sons nursery my best mum friend is mixed race and talks to me and the other white and Asian mums who hang around after nursery to play in the playground, there are 2 black mums that have never stopped to chat or play outside I thought they were just shy /in a rush but my friend says she talks to them…. So I don’t know if that is them only feeling safe with other black /mixed women or them expecting me to consciously reach out to them, which I haven’t done to anyone really. I just befriend those that tend to hang around playing around nursery pick up times, and that happens to be white and Asian mums.
so maybe (if you want to befriend these white mums) you need to hang around where they are naturally congregating and turn up at stuff they organise on the class WhatsApp (if that happens) so you can just expose yourselves to each other?

Sorry to hear that you are feeling like this OP.

I think you are unlucky because Ealing is one of the most ethnically diverse places there is… out of curiosity I googled and came up with this:
”Ealing's state-funded schools are highly diverse, with 87% of pupils from ethnic backgrounds other than White British”.

I can’t really comment because I haven’t got primary aged DC in Ealing, but I’d say that getting involved with the PTA if you have time or interest might be a way to get to know people. And just give it time?

Another idea might be to sign your DC up to a local club that lots of the school children go to. My secondary age DD has good friends at her local dance school and tonight I heard a speech from a former teacher at the school who was the first black dancer to be accepted at the Royal Academy of Dance. Sorry a bit random but it was very inspiring.

@EalingW13

Brenda garrett glassman!!

The very same!

I thought that initially but she has been there over a year now (we moved last year and started this school after last May half term). Nothing is organised on the WhatsApp - appart from the drinks I tried to organise which no one came to - those mums tend to organise things at their houses and just invite the other mums. I have volunteered for school things etc but it was made no difference

I have decided to not waste much more energy on those who aren’t receptive and have focused on 1 or 2 others who children dd also plays with.

With the other lot I get my husband (who is white) now to organise things with the other dads for dd and unsurprisingly he has no issues and people get back to him.

It is what is it - not my first rodeo with this type of thing - dd seems settled and happy now which is all I want

Do you know what OP it is the moving mid year thing. I was the same my child moved to a new school in Jan of primary 3. I am not friendly with any of the parents in her class. Son started the next year in P1 in the normal intake in September and made friends with three other Mums and we still meet up even though kids are well up now. Keep asking, keep inviting and see how it goes.

My ds is 17 now, but it was never an issue. He would ask to invite specific boys over, I'd ask at the school gate or by text. I even managed to feed everyone something they would eat.

His friends were a cosmopolitan little crowd, even at 6 - Turkish, Indian, Afra-Caribbean, French, but mums can be cliquey. I'd cheerfully keep issuing playdate invitations, but make sure you have other friends as well.

Yeah my dad was mixed "white passing" but he never once described himself as white, because he knew he wasn't!