Helping my child with self esteem

[threeisacharm18]

I have a child who is half white and half black. I am black and her father is white. We live in the U.K. the school they go to is majority south Asian. I sent her to this school as id hoped it would shield her from racism since she would essentially be the same skin colour as the other children. The minority of white children however have made fun of her skin colour. One has said her skin is the colour of poo. Another has said my daughter’s skin colour is not nice and that her family don’t like brown people.

I have spoken to the school about it and the school addressed it with the children involved. However my daughter has been carrying anxiety about her skin colour and when she’s feeling upset will tell me how much those comments hurt. I have explained over and over how she mustn’t let other people’s mean words affect her - reminded her how beautiful her skin colour is and bought her affirmation cards.

Unfortunately I come from a small family so the only black people she spends time with is me, her aunt and my parents. No cousins and my black friends live too far away or don’t have kids.

From an early age I would read books to her about loving her hair as we all know how our hair can be seen by others. I wanted her to love her hair and who she is. As she started school I stopped focusing on books centres around black characters. I definitely need to reintroduce this.

How can I help her have pride in herself? We don’t usually talk about skin or race at home as I never thought it would be an issue given she sort of ‘blends in’ . I know that sounds weird as I type it - but I hope you understand what I mean. I think I will need to make it a daily ritual to remind her how beautiful she is and incorporate my stories about black characters to her.

She is 7

Sorry to hear of the hard time your Dd has been having.

Are there no other black
children in her class? If the school is majority Asian have other children had nasty things said to them?

Does she generally get on with classmates and was she happy at the school before the incident?

I would be considering if she should stay at the school.

You can do things to help her confidence and affirm her colour and who she is but you may need to move her if she is deeply unhappy at school where she needs to be a happy and thriving 7 year old.

Community and representation are very important, so you may need to make time to spend with your black friends and their children who are further away.

Teach her your/her history and heritage and the amazing achievements of those like her. Encourage her to let her light shine bright and be confident in who she is, what she possesses inwardly and outwardly.

It sounds like you're very disconnected from cultural activities as well, so see if there are any online communities - art/dance/ exchanging experiences. Watch positive black movies / documentaries with her. Travel to music or book festivals that celebrate that side of her culture.
And don't be afraid to speak to her about the hatefulnesss of others, while teaching her how to handle those challenges.

Ultimately, the environment isn't going to nurture self- esteem so you'll have to try and instil resilience as much as possible until something changes.

This really pains my heart though, as there's unfortunately no escaping the awful awfulness that is racism. I watched with a heavy heart this week, the video of Vinicius Jr crying after yet another racist attack. There has been a lot of discourse around this, so if she's old enough to process, you can watch clips with her. If nothing else, it shows her there's nothing wrong about her as an individual and she'll here all the reasons it is wrong, nasty and will hopefully digest some of the very supportive arguments against this kind of behaviour.

Agree with all of this @Dweetfidilove and would also add that, if you can, do take her on holiday to a majority black country, especially if you have ancestral roots or family there, where she can see people that look like you and her in all sorts of positions but especially leadership.

Personally, I find footage of a harassed and tired Vini hard to watch and I’m not sure how a 7 year old would deal with that even in the context of the positive public support he has had.

There have been a few more black footballers similarly abused on SM this weekend which is not surprising given the current climate we live in but heartbreaking nevertheless.

I am reading the book Natives, by Akala, and he speaks about attending a Pan African school, outside of mainstream school, in his youth, and how it helped shape him, and instil in him black pride, and knowledge that he never would have learnt in mainstream school. Something like this, if it still exists in places, could help black children immensely. There have been some good suggestions already, from pp. It is vital that the children's self esteem is nurtured, and that they are armoured to deal with the Society that they have to live in. Buying her age appropriate books, with black, and brown people as the central characters would be a good idea too.

I am confused why you thought her going to a school with a sizeable SA population would shield her from racism.

Teach her to laugh at their insults. They should have long grown out of poo jokes so laugh in their faces like it's utterly pathetic because it is.

Tell them they're beige, could they get any more boring? She's got lovely rich dark complexion, they're the equivalent of a rich tea biscuit!

But while she treats them like the saddos they are, she does need to report them because racial bullying is not ok. They need pulling up sharply on it before they turn into racist adults.

Does she like having her hair done? Could she get some design braids, something cool that only black hair is suited to? I was always so jealous of my friend at school who had braids and could get heart design ones.

I missed that she's 7, so wasn't sure if she's old enough.
I agree it was a difficult watch - it made me want to simultaneously hug him and fight somebody. Some days it's just difficult to 'go high'.

Well, I didn't even think of a Pan-African school, but it turns out there is an online academy, so thank you.
I'll look into that further and share the info.

@Dweetfidilove That would be really good. Thank you.

Do continue the affirmations which can also come directly from you to her. I always recall my mum telling me I was beautiful and could achieve anything. It is something that has stayed with me.
My childhood home was filled with books on black history including the richness of our culture which also helped me develop pride in my culture.

I ensure my two young sons spend lots of time (we live in a predominantly less diverse area) with my family in south London and my husband (Jamaican) takes them (again back to south London (Brixton)) to the barber which all helps to shape their sense of self.

There is a series of books called Little People, Big Dreams that do a range of books on black people (scientists, engineers, medics, sports people, celebs etc) focused on highlighting challenges and successes. I have quite a few from the series and read them regularly with my sons.

I second a suggestion above about potentially holidaying in a country, if feasible, where she can see people who look like her.

Really sorry that you both are having to experience this.

Sorry to hear this has been going on. Growing up black in a majority white area, I got a real sense of who I was and my parents' culture through regular visits to family members in London (Brixton, Peckham etc) and especially visiting Jamaica to see family there and where my parents came from.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I apologise for taking so long to come back to this thread. I did read all your comments and they’ve been very helpful.
I have been doing daily affirmations and we have incorporated more black books into our reading.
we will be holidaying to our ancestral home soon so that will help for sure.

This post is important. I would look for a new, more inclusive school for her to attend.

I don’t know all the ins and outs of the historical and ingrained South Asian caste system, but what I do know is that they put Black (and mixed) people, many of whom are lighter skinned than them, right at the bottom of it. This is not an environment which is built for your DC to thrive in, and will be damaging for her to be there everyday.

I am well aware of this. If I’m honest when I toured the school it looked more mixed than when my child started. It seems her cohort and the following cohorts are overwhelmingly Indian or if Indio Asian origin.

I am well aware of the Indian caste system and know how they see black people. I’ve been on the receiving end of their racism.

with that said I would love to have her in a more diverse school but it would mean moving into the city centre and I living in a much smaller house.