Shattered Trust: My Husband’s Betrayal on His “Boys' Trip”

[GhanaEndsIt]

I just turned 50, but I can pass for a bit younger—not that it matters. Anyway, my husband of 24 years is currently on a "boys' trip" to Ghana with his friends, all around the same age and status. I was anxious about what might happen, so I admit, I ghosted his phone.
He's been there for three nights. When I called him yesterday, he didn’t answer at first. When he finally did, he told me he was incredibly drunk at a club celebrating his friend's 50th birthday. He didn’t turn on his camera immediately, and when he finally did, he was in just his boxers—which is very unlike him. I was visibly unsettled, and he immediately chastised me for it. He dismissed my concerns, saying, "Why would you even think that? I’m here with other dads who are also 50. It’s only been three nights, blah blah blah." I ended up apologizing.
Later, I checked my phone and saw messages from one of the guys he’s sharing an apartment with—the birthday boy. The messages said:
"Yep, she will bring two friends."
"They’re on their way."
Considering there are three men in that apartment, it was obvious to me what had happened.
When my husband later called, trying to play the loving family man, I was cold toward him. We got into an argument—but I never told him how I knew. Of course, he denied everything.
I feel shattered. I fully intend to divorce him, but our finances are deeply intertwined, my parents adore him, and I can’t bear to think about the impact on our children (23-year-old son, two daughters aged 21 and 9).
I don’t know how to move forward. I hate him right now. I want him to hurt the way I’m hurting. But how? I’m shaking as I type this.
Please, I need advice.

He will deny any sex took place
He lies
Only you know if you can turn a blind eye, cos the "others got him drunk"
You'll need to tell the other wives so that they dont catch any STDs

this is awful. You must be feeling sick. What if he gave you a disease? Surely his friend will realised he messaged you?
do you know the others wives/girlfriends?
what an awful shock. Do you have any support? Close family? A friend?
im so sorry you are going through this

I'm sorry @GhanaEndsIt . If only he'd proved you wrong, walking cliche that he is.
Please also share this with the other women if you want to, so they can protect themselves.

Really sorry to hear this OP. Your mind and heart must be reeling.

I second the advice above.
Inform the other wives too of the messages.

What's coming next will be difficult so you will need real support from people you can trust. Your husband will attempt to get you back on side so be prepared for that also.

You've mentioned finances, your parents and the impact on your children which may all be reasons you feel compelled to stay.
You should look into how divorce would work practically as in do you have property so you can each live alone?, can you financially maintain yourself, your 9 year old and a home independently?.

I know people have different views on this but I think the phone thing is a violation. I think that, if after the length of time you've been together you had a feeling it wasn't right, then that should have been enough but yes I understand why you did and you got the confirmation that you sought.

If you do go ahead with divorce it might be worth looking on the general relationship boards too as there are a LOT of posts of a similar nature that often show a poster's journey through the process from discovery to post divorce which, in time, could give some strength to you.

Do come back and post here if you need to.

I honestly can't bring myself to share it with the other wives. What good would it do? For all I know, they might already suspect—or even know—but choose to turn a blind eye to maintain a sense of control. Sometimes, ignorance feels safer than facing a painful reality. Because once they know for sure, they’re forced to make a choice: either stay, which only reinforces the man's belief that he can continue as he pleases, or leave, often just to save face.

I don’t take this decision lightly myself—it weighs heavily on me—but for the sake of my mental health, I have to choose what’s best for me. I can’t impose that burden on someone else.

Absolutely you are right it's a violation. I couldn't leave on a hunch and I wanted assurance that I was being stupid. He gaslights a lot so I often feel that whatever the issue (never cheating though) was all in my head.

You need to tell the other wives because they are at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, just as you would be if you hadn't seen the messages.

Exactly, This includes AIDS obviously.
So Life threatening, lifelong illness & potentially, in the worst cases leaving their kids motherless.

I hear you and I get it.

In terms of sharing with the other partners, you could frame it that you found such and such messages and you thought you'd share. Then let them take it forwards because actually, whilst you're pretty certain that sex was involved, you can't know for definite what took place. However the intent is all that would matter to me and the messages would be enough but that isn't the case for everyone.

Do you have any friends you can speak to in real life?

Hope you're coping OK in this immediate time.

I’m sorry op this is horrible. But you know what, you’ve been lied to by him for ages - deep down you knew it. The truth is painful and you’re in deep shock to be confronted with the facts, but in a few months you’ll realise the reason you shadowed his phone in the first place was because you knew he’d be up to no good. You knew. And you had had enough. Your experience and instinct told you, and that truth has been sitting within you for a long time I suspect.

I would tell your parents first, you need someone irl to support you.

I wonder if your dh will continue keeping up the lies when he comes home.

By the way - how the heck do you “ghost” someone’s phone? I’d love to know (hahaha asking for a friend!)

I love you for this reply. Thank you so much. Trying to getting these responses to understand that I don't have details of anyone else's infidelities. Yet they want me to go and tell their wives! Thanks for not bringing that up. I just searched online for services that allowed it. Three one I got was expensive and crappy. So I'm not going to advertise them

Hugs to you OP. Did you grow up in Ghana at any point?
Be ready for his family and some friends to advocate for him and plead on his behalf. There’re in fact some of these guys with second families in Africa or maintaining a full blown relationship with a side chick. They’ll tell you he’s not doing this so you’re overreacting and you should think of your children etc.
It was just a little party and nothing happened etc.

He’ll be very sorry you found out though, it doesn’t mean he won’t do it again and be rest assured his friends will provide a back up story to explain this away.
If you decide to reconcile, you must be absolutely clear a repeat will not be tolerated ever and you mustn’t ever be put in a position to be in doubt.
You’ll likely have to ask him to leave for a short while for him to know you’re serious but if he’s already gaslighting he might double down and say he’ll leave permanently if you insist. Just be ready for all this.

Sending you hugs.

Thanks you ever so much. He's not Ghanian and neither are any of his friends. With all the Aftobeats hype, I thought they wanted to go and enjoy what Africa was all about. And spend some of our hard earn cash somewhere for black people. Didn't know what they meant till he came back!

So sorry to read this OP, what a betrayal! No matter what you decide to do, you will be deeply affected by this so I suggest you consider therapy at some point down the line.

In terms of next steps, I don’t have the exact same experience but wanted to suggest you have a look on Reddit. There is a forum on there called survivinginfidelity. You’ll likely find similar stories and if you feel comfortable, you can post on there and get some further advice and links to resources to help you.

I’m with you on telling the other wives, it’s not that simple and right now you need to first and foremost think of yourself, your wellbeing and your children. You could get an STI check for yourself in the meantime for peace of mind.

Sending you positive vibes for now and the future.

I appreciate you❤️

The guys he was with may have strayed but you have no real evidence that he did. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion for the benefit of the kids.

No offence, but reading the OP with full understanding, her husband has been acting out for a long time, to the point that he can stand in a club, drunk, in his briefs with the expectation that the OP will believe anything he says about his non cheating .
And on the slim possibility that he did not cheat later on, even with the three women for three men scenario, he had every intention of doing so.
Cheating, side chicking, having children for married men that one is not married to, having /being a part of a harem, secret kids, bareback sex with strangers, kids all over the place, being top of the STD charts are too normalised in Black communities, as is putting the mental health of and setting healthy relationship standards for the children a clear second to sexual hedonism and staying in toxic relationships for oneself, pretending it's for the children.

The husband does not care about the children and the low key implication that the OP divorcing their emotionally abusive father will negatively affect them as if they already don't know that he is wavy, is a low blow.
If the OP cheated or wanted to , would your advice to a too typically sexually egocentric Black man be the same, or better still, would you say it with the expectation he would self blame if the marriage broke up in the same circumstance, thus inhibiting him from seeking freedom from abuse in divorce?