Do I even belong here?

[IfItSings]

Sorry in advance for a bit of a rambling post.

My mother is half black and my dad is white, Growing up I always just saw myself as mixed. My mum is fairly dark skinned but I am very pale. I went to a predominantly black secondary school and was surprised when I was often described as white as I didn’t see myself that way. I was told that being quarter black meant I was basically just white. This was when I first realised that I didn’t look outwardly as I felt inside. I always connected deeply with black culture and sought it out but my mother seemed to reject it in a lot of ways (related to her complex upbringing) that confused me. Also, to me my mother looked black and was black so of course I wasn’t white.

When I was in my early twenties I first heard the term ‘white-passing’ and it devastated me as it was used to describe me and the implication was that I was trying to benefit from being able to ‘blend in’. I had never felt this as I’ve never felt entirely comfortable in groups of white people.

I moved away from a big city some years ago and now I work in a mainly white environment, my partner is white and almost all of my friends are white. I feel a deep longing to connect with my black heritage but I don’t know if this is even reasonable. Is it true that I’m basically just white?

One of my children has darker skin than me and tight curls and looks more mixed than I do. One of my children is blonde. Do I raise them to think of themselves as white? Is it normal that makes me feel like they are other than me or somehow disconnected from me?

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post, but I just hoped somebody may have some insight and I feel a bit safer posting here than elsewhere.

Yes, her life is full of lessons. Her mother was sold as a slave by her brother for silk fabric I think he used for his wedding. Only when the woman died did she regain her freedom.
I've compiled a list of her books and emailed my library to source them. I'm hoping more people will come across them one day.

Thank you. 💝

That’s exactly how it feels. I know the larger part of my DNA is white but I see myself as both black and white. In a group of white people I am the odd one out, as I am in a group of black people. Although I do tend to feel more comfortable in a group of black people.

That’s very true, thank you.

I haven't got time to read the whole thread yet but just wanted to send my thoughts. I'm Black, with no other heritage outside Africa as far as I'm aware. I was born and grew up in the UK. Because of this, I see myself as ethnically African and culturally mixed; and I value having more than one culture to draw from. I spent many years growing up feeling confused and isolated by White people (from this country and others!) telling me I wasn't English/ British. Now I pay them no mind. I decide what my cultural heritage is because I'm the one who's been living this life of mine.

As for your ethnic heritage, there is no reason why it should be simplified to you 'belonging' either with your Black or White heritage. They are both all of who you are, and it's nobody's business to tell you otherwise. If you find that your life experience has made it hard for you to connect in nuanced and complex ways with experiences of people who are more blatantly racialised as Black, then that's worth exploring, as it suggests that you may not have had the need to learn the survival skills that dark-skinned people end up developing when they are in marginalising spaces.

If you feel isolated from your Caribbean/ Nigerian roots, that is something that could be really cool to explore, as you seem to have already suggested. I wish you all the best with learning, growing, and standing proud of every aspect of who you are.

@AudreLorde Thank you for your reply. I read it earlier but wanted to think on it a bit before responding. The part about survival skills gave me a lot to consider. I definitely haven’t had to develop the same survival skills as a dark skinned person. However. I think that is part of what I’m struggling with in terms of identity. To some people I appear ‘white’ (not white British as there is very little chance I’d be mistaken for that) but to some people I appear clearly mixed black and white. My survival skills are around not knowing how I’ll be taken in any given situation, so feeling guarded a lot of the time. I’ve had people make racist comments in my hearing about others, presumably thinking I’ll somehow be okay with that. Likewise I’ve had people make racist comments directly to me and have also been physically assaulted due to my heritage. On one particular occasion when I was racially abused at work, black colleagues who I didn’t know very well rallied round to support me. On another occasion I was told that the racist comments directed at me didn’t count because I ‘wasn’t really black’. It’s the feeling of never really belonging and never really being ‘enough’.

It’s difficult because I don’t feel a white person can really relate to or fully understand these experiences. I know that people who are dark skinned have a totally different experience to me that I can’t fully relate to but, maybe wrongly, I feel that they may understand me and my experience of life on a deeper level, and that I may understand them and their experiences on a deeper level than someone who is only white.

I think the connecting on a nuanced level is what I would like, but not only in regards to being in marginalised spaces. I would like to connect in positive spaces as well, as I feel this is what I’m lacking. I experience the struggles of being non white fairly often, but I don’t feel like I get to engage in the positive aspects enough.

Honestly, reading of your experiences, it makes me so angry that we humans can be so shitty towards each other. I am so sorry for the multitude of painful and even frightening experiences you've been subjected to for no other reason than existing in the world as the person that you are. I hear you and see you in all of those experiences, and also in the ones that are subtly different from my own - because ultimately it's people behaving in harmful, confusing ways towards us and thinking it's acceptable.

I really hope you can find a PoC community of people of a wide variety of heritages to connect with, as this sounds like it may be a safe place for you to build friendships to share not just the experiences of harm, but also as you say, the joyful connections as well. ❤

People can be extremely shitty but I’ve been lucky to come across some lovely ones too ❤️

Thankfully kindness seems to be more common. 🥰

It is so hard. I have one Jamaican grandparent, and I am very pale with type 4B red hair. I have been accused of cultural appropriation for wearing my hair natural. My sons have light brown skin and curls, but I am the only one with coils.

I bet your hair is incredible. It is really hard to navigate isn’t it?

I am a mixed, white-passing person OP and I think what you are experiencing is the very common sensation of being neither completely one thing nor the other. I have struggled with this for a long time and have only recently realised that it is not a feeling that can be fixed. I used to try to fix it by going fully into one culture and denying the other (I have flip flopped both ways) but ultimately that is unsatisfying because you always feel slightly like an imposter. When you are mixed, there is often a great yearning for the security that comes from having a more culturally homogenous background. My mother (who is not mixed) really struggles to understand why I can't fully embrace her culture. I have tried to do it but it always feels 50% fake! The only resolution for me has been in accepting that this feeling of discomfort is part of the richness of the mixed experience.

In addition, there is a sense of loss which is almost inevitable when you as a person with minority heritage marry into the dominant culture. Obviously there are great joys and upsides to experiencing the meeting of cultures too, but you have the sensation that your minority culture is fading out. It's a bit like people who are raised bilingual, then trying to raise their own kids bilingual. It's much harder to keep passing the language on through the generations and that is why second and third generation migrants tend not to speak the language of their ancestors.

Well I'm black but lighter skinned so I sometimes get mistaken for being mixed, and I was told on a black social media page that as a "mixed" person I had no right to be there. Get your head around that!

Curious to know the intention of the black SM group - was it based explicitly on their shared experience of being darker skinned which if the case I understand their point.
Otherwise, I really don’t pay attention to the gatekeepers who think I’m not black enough.

No, not at all! The group was made up of black, and mixed race women of varying shades. I have no idea why the person even said that to me!

I'm a black older mum of 3, the eldest now being over 40
Their father was a irish redhead and they've been mistaken for Italian Asian Spanish etc
And so when theyve said 'mum'
there were various racial groups who didn't know where to put themselves when they heard
All I can say is what about your parents?
They could tell stories of when they were younger, family history and if you are using the ancestry website that's a good thing too
You may never feel truly settled within yourself but I think you have to accept that may be so and whatever you find in your journey apply it to yourself if you think it's relevant if not don't
The thing about disconnection I've never had, my children were my children and that was that. How they looked was irrelevant and all they themselves saw was that they looked alike
I honestly don't know if I've helped at all but I honestly wish you the best and don't tie yourself in knots; you're the best of everything combined!