Fed up of being the only black woman at work

[Tiredandconfusedd]

I have been in my first corporate role for a year now and I work from home majority of the time. I only ever go in for meetings.

I haven’t managed to make any working relationships. It just hit me today when I walked into the meeting. Everyone has their little work friendships/relationships. I’m always on my own. They are all very nice kind friendly people but the loneliness is starting to have an effect on my mental health.

It’s not anyone’s job to make an effort with me or go out of their way to build a relationship with me so I can’t blame them.

Im currently thinking about handing my notice in as I feel I don’t fit in or belong there.

Is this because you are black or due to your demeanour/personality type?
Do the other staff also work remotely or do they go into the office?
I would stay but show my face in the office more and try and make a concerted effort to integrate.
Good luck.

Hi. Is this your first remote role? It is much harder to make "work friends" when you wFH especially if colleagues have previously worked together on site.

I am black and have always been the only or one of a couple of black people at work and it has never been an issue. But I do live in the SE and my siblings and I were the only black family at my primary school and one of a small handful at secondary school so I am probably used to it.

Do you have the opportunity to go into the office more often?

Remote working has many benefits but can be very lonely.

The thing is we all work from home and rarely ever go into the office. I still work together with the rest of the team but once that work comes to and end there is no longer any conversations between us.

I live in a very white area so it is to be expected but it’s lonely. I said good bye to everyone when I was leaving and I think only one person said by to me.

I’m constantly going through different emotions and feeling that I don’t fit in. I’m sure WFH does play a part in it.

Could I suggest just an old-fashioned thing? Maybe create a little group via an invite for happy-hour or lunch? You can position it just exactly as you have here: " As we are so often working from home and only rarely at the office, let's schedule lunch together on XX day/ after-work drink at XXX on XXX day: It would be great to get to know everyone better!"

I am the only woman in my workplace, the guys are friendly but I can't see us becoming friends. We have nothing in common.

Is that how you feel about being black, that you have nothing in common with your colleagues? Or do you think they are racist?

No I don’t think they are racist at all. They have all grown up in a predominantly white area so they probably have never had any black friends or even communicate with anyone that looks any different to them.

So I don’t know whether that’s kind a barrier I’m really unsure. The other ladies that joined at the same time as me have settled in perfectly fine.

I’m sure we do have things in common most of us are late twenties early thirties with young children. I really don’t know but just nobody talks to me. (Not that they have to)

I see, so no one ever really socializes So, then, you have to find your social group outside of work: Try Meetup: Until then, I would take a page from this lady: I know I do! Do your job lady

Firstly it is normal to be the only black person and even the only black woman in a team/group if you work in a corporate role in this country. In fact it is surprising and welcoming when you aren't.

Secondly do you do tasks alone or have to work with people even though you are working remotely? Often I have to work with someone else for days at a time that's where my working relationships come from. If you have to do tasks alone then it's harder to make work friendships.

It's to be expected. That's how they are - not outrightly racist but they make a point of not including you in anything. Not entirely the same but my partner (white) family are the same - nice to my face but never go out of their way for me or the kids... so I give them the same reception. Sorry you're going through this and if you feel the need to move jobs do so as it won't get any better. I think your race is definitely a factor in their behaviour, as like above it happens time and time again.. with others in this situation.

To a certain extent it’s human nature to keep to those who share a similar background to you. That being said, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with unfortunately. It’s one of the many drawbacks of not living in a more ethnically diverse area.

I’m sure we do have things in common most of us are late twenties early thirties with young children. I really don’t know but just nobody talks to me. (Not that they have to)

Do you talk to them though, this likely isn't about race at all, perhaps you need to try and connect with them more, could you organize a drink or something, are the other people predominantly men, or are they a mixed group?

I had this within my workplace when I moved teams. No attempt to talk to me when new, and in fact, in the 6 months I stayed there, there were a few people I had never spoken to in a team of about 10. Starkly contrasted by when a new guy arrived.

But, I don't even think it's a race/background thing. Some places can be a bit closed off, or maybe they don't realise that it's unpleasant to not be included. WFH also means you can't build a work relationship easily.

You'll have to make a consistent effort if you want any kind of social contact with people like this. I'd start by asking people where they go for lunch - if anyone says the same place as you, ask them if they want to go.

Luckily for me, I was able to transfer teams. Still mostly white, mostly male but much friendlier and great to work with.

I am a situational introverted black man with over 10 years work experience in less diverse corporate support roles Midlands and North of England. Yes, its daunting to be the new person and more so of different ethnicity and having to fit into existing organisational culture. Every workplace has an existing and evolving work culture. However, as human beings we all have things in common e.g. hobbies, interests, aspirations, fears, values, beliefs etc. Try to leverage those common things to get people to know your unique self and what you are all about. Talking about weekend plans once the work is done especially on Friday is usually a good ice breaker e.g. plans with kids, events etc. Or even what happened over the weekend. A cohort of late 20s and 30s work colleagues will definitely have things in common to relate and build trust relationships. Yes, without sounding like misogynist I will admit that for most men it may seem easier because can leverage the usual topics e.g. sports, cars etc

I noticed when I moved to my new job that it felt very isolating to be the only black woman. I've reached out on many occasions but work in a make dominated, mainly white workplace. I understand how you feel.

I have worked a lot in different countries and often been the only white person in a team. Some work (and non-work) cultures everyone wants to be "best friends" all the time and others everyone tends to keep to themselves - both can be nice and both can be annoying for me (at times). If it really doesn't suit, you should look for a new job or different country. If it doesn't bother you too much just accept it.

I'm brown. I'm a minority and have often been the only person like me at school and later at work. On holiday. On the school run. Pretty much everywhere. I've always felt welcome and included, so you might just be projecting.

Relationships take time and investment. Sometimes it can feel daunting to reach out to people we don’t know very well, and WFH provides an added distance that is easy to hide behind.

Sending a quick hello _, how has your week been so far. Or, asking about their weekend plans, with a meaningful follow up on Monday morning, can go a long way to building those bonds. People love to be thought of.

This happened to me when I got my post uni 'proper' job. It was remote, everyone else had worked together in person but me.
I never felt like I fitted in. I did eventually move due to contracts (I was covering maternity). Same organisation but different team. I am so much happier. Like night and day.

Apologies, this popped up on active. Did you have short intro chats with everyone? My workplace used to do social half an hour as everyone was mainly wfh. Randomly chosen 1-1 or groups of 3 or 4 during workhours to have a non work chat to get to know each other. It really helped. I was the only immigrant (still white but different) and this has helped greatly. Is there possibility of similar in yours? Could alsk give you idea if people have a problem with you.

Ah, glibly said
My dear old mother used to say
A white person can go anywhere they want to
A black person will always stand out and be wondered about
It seems that without you realising you never really had to think about 'fitting in' at all with the assumption made you were always going to be alright
Privilege eh??