Mum made inappropriate comment

[Coffeeandgranola]

Hello,

I've hoping for some education and advice. I have a work friend who I recently bumped into outside of work, whilst both with our families. My mum said to her mum "you look just like Oprah!" when they were introduced.

I was distracted talking to my friend's other family so didn't hear this play out myself, but my friend told me after in a "haha you're right, your mum is a bit mad!" way (I've moaned to her about my mum in work before).

My (white) mum is super friendly and well-meaning, if it's helpful to try picture her intent, but she has always lived in places with limited exposure to different ethnicities - and is also clearly a bit impulsive and thoughless.

I apologised to my friend at the time she brought it up with me, but to be honest I was at a loss in the moment for the best way to reassure her I absolutely recognised this wasn't OK on my mum's part. I also think it's important to speak with my mum, but again unsure how to get across my point without just asking how she would feel if she'd been compared to a random white celebrity with a vague resemblance (which I know doesn't fully capture the issue).

Anyone's take on this whole situation, thoughts or advice would be really appreciated.

(For clarity, my work friend's mum doesn't look particularly like Oprah 🤦)

So, she does look a bit like Oprah?

@Coffeeandgranola I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the purpose of this board. It does not exist to provide ‘education’, to people who are not Black, on how to behave when they encounter a Black person.

Does she actually look like Oprah?
(If so, Oprah is a very attractive woman, is the lady in question likely to be offended?)
Sorry, see my first question has already been answered, please disregard. Edited to include last sentence,

✅

No, I said this at the bottom of my post but could have made it clearer up front.

I definitely don't think that's the purpose of this board, just that alongside the primary going-ons it might be a good place to sense-check a situation I've never found myself in before with specific users better placed to take a view on what happened than I am, as I've generally found mumsnet as a place people are happy to share their opinions based on experience. Sorry if I've misjudged this, though.

I respectfully disagree! I think if we want folk to be enlightened, sometimes we have to be the enlightenment. Yes, it can be a ballache, at times!

OP: Please tell your mum that every black person she encounters doesn't have to look like a black person from TV. Maybe your mum was trying to strike up a conversation, or maybe she spoke without thinking (I suspect the latter).

For the record..I've been likened to Naomi Campbell, Michelle Gayle, that actress from Game of Thrones, and Whoopi Goldberg 🤔

Nope.

We have probably all been told we look like someone famous.

Such remarks originate in fear; literal xenohobia - where the speaker attempts to normalise the fearsome presence by likening it to something more familiar.

I have been accosted in Marks and S to be told I ‘look like Grace Jones’. Like fuck I do. But why should I waste my time smiling and curtsying and doffing my cap to the person who says it - to reassure them I am not to be feared?

We must remember Toni Morrison:

The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.

Why should posters on this board have to waste time persuading others that we are allowed to go about our business without having to explain that ‘you look like Grace Jones’ is an instance of othering?

If you look at my post, we are more or less, saying the same thing.

I never mentioned anything about pandering to such behaviour but, moreso, explaining why that kind of behaviour is wrong, which is pretty much what you've done in your latest post.

Enlightenment isn't cupcakes and fairytales; sometimes, it's the cold, hard truth.

The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.

I agree.

No. Again.

explaining why that kind of behaviour is wrong, is absolutely not the purpose of this board. Nor should it ever have to perform that function. How is this hard to understand? Why are we wasting our time, right now?

OP you can't tell black mums what the purpose of their board is. Can't you see how entitled that is?

I'm not wasting anyone's time. Stop getting your knickers in a twist. We can agree to disagree without having a temper tantrum..you know, like normal adults...

Op, I’m not black, and the posters who are saying this isn’t the purpose of the board are correct. This would have been better in chat although then you would have got more racist responses mixed in.

Based on the anti racism work I’ve done, I would take two actions.

1. You should talk to you mum about this and explain why it’s wrong, even if she meant to be friendly. @BetsyRegards and @Sunisshiningweatherissweet2 both sum it up well and you could research it a bit to help explain, because I can see why in someone who doesn’t believe themselves to be racist and certainly didn’t mean to be, why they might struggle to understand to start off with.
2. i would consider apologising to your friend again and check she’s ok and acknowledge any pain or annoyance she expresses.

Tell your mum all Black women don't look like Oprah and it's offensive to state otherwise.

Tell your mother not to mention looks again
Not every black person looks like every other black person out there you know
Just tell her to greet politely then if anything let the other person speak and after that keep conversation politely general if need be
My old headmistress used to say
"The reason we don't discuss religion or politics but we do the weather, at the dinner table is because we will invariably cause offence as someone then becomes
offended or unsure about comments made"