"Lovely small features"

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Hello. Just wanted some opinions from other black mums.

I've started a new job, all going well. We recently had a night out (six of us- I'm the only BW) and we started talking about aging, etc. One of the women in the group, who I work very closely with and get along well with, started saying that I don't look my age (I think most BW have heard this) and then went on to say I had "lovely small features". The others in the group chimed in, in agreement, with someone else saying "Yes, I was telling so & so that the other day!"

I didn't say anything, but inside felt quite sad, whilst thinking WTF! Other times, when it has been said, either by ex partners/dating sites, I've hit back. I told my partner and he said "Who comes out with that sh#t, they could have just said you were pretty?".

Am I wrong to feel that telling me that isn't a compliment? As black women, we come in all shades, sizes and colours. It just felt a bit 'off', not necessarily racist, just 'off'. I welcome other black mumsnetter's opinions.

You're not wrong, I think after all the paradies of black people with oversized lips etc it somehow gives a vibe of "don't worry you're not too black"

I get it as someone who's mixed but fairly pale, compliments on how I'm not too dark

Hope it wasn't meant like that but I think I would have thought the same as you! Not really a compliment

Jellybean85- wow! Do people really compliment on you not being too datk? Oh my goodness x

You need new friends.

I second @BitofRain

People still see small features as a sign of beauty. Wide noses are still generally recognised as an ugly feature and as it's the centre piece of the face, it is one of the first things people notice.

A lot of black women are still seen as more beautiful if they have any of the following:
-Light eyes

• not overly dark skin (although exceptions apply such as with blasians and blindians)
• "good" natural hair. Even though we don't say the term, people still imply it
• a slim nose

I’d feel weird too. Doesn’t really feel complimentary???

I suspect it's what's intended by the comments about lovely colouring, a really lovely shade etc maybe some are innocent but I suspect colourism

Ugh I'd hate this too. I'm white but find black women so beautiful with all their features. So close minded to only find small/slim/light things attractive, yuck what a world.
Black/asian people bring made to feel they need to be lighter, white people needing to tan.. wtf.

These microaggressions give me the ick, I hate them and it feels so uncomfortable but there is a fear at asking ‘ what do you mean by that’ for them to stumble over themselves to give the right answer. I totally understand how it feels

Asking them what they mean by that, would be for them to explain. They are not giving a second thought to voicing aloud what they see as pleasing features. I do think that it is odd how they have phrased the "compliment" though.

Thanks for your replies. Do the poster who mentioned getting new friends, I've started a new job and these are my work colleagues.

LadyKenya, I agree. It was very odd and pretty obvious (to most) the connotations behind it, whether or not it was intentional.

If it is mentioned again, I think I will have to say something.

To*

No, it really doesn't.

I agree. I think it was the fact that conversations must have been had about my 'features'.

I am shocked that they thought it let alone said it.

Not compliment, not appropriate just racist.