Neighbour keeps asking to borrow money

[mslewis]

Sorry to come here with this problem, but my neighbour is fully getting on my nerves. Don’t get me wrong; when I met her, she was nice enough. The school sent my wee girl home alone mistakenly, but I wasn’t in, so my daughter went to hers and she took her in , plus took her to a nail salon to get her nails done and paid.
But, recently, all she does is ask for money! I was quite happy to give her £30 as a gift one time she asked and paid her other half £60 to drill on a cam doorbell and 20£ to put a small chainsaw together for me. But now I feel she is taking advantage, because she is asking once every few days.
I am a single mum, suffering with autism, adhd and depression. She is making me not want to leave my house and avoid the school run.
To put salt in the wound; I took her wee girl for a sleep over. (Our daughters are 7+8) her uniform was dirty, so my daughter lent her a tracksuit and is yet to get it back. The mom said a few times she will give it to us, but her nephew actually told us, his cousin keeps other people’s stuff, hence why my daughter is her only friend. The neighbours daughter stole a football medal from her friend and her cousin (neighbours nephew) had to sneak into her room to get it back. Bless him, he is only 7.
But she is really starting to trigger my autism. She can see I am a single parent to three kids. She is sitting round her gaff with a long term partner and has the support of all her family. I just feel like she should have her ‘ish’ together.

@mslewis - for the love of God, please explain why this is in Black MN?

What’s the dynamic here?

Are you a black mother with a white neighbour? Because I’ve known similar situations where the white resident may assume a black resident is a soft touch, so will ask them for a favour rather than any white neighbour.

Or are you a white householder complaining about a black neighbour?

Or what??? (I need to know!)

precisely

That should be the crux of the thread.

(And she’s either already sold, or decided to keep, the tracksuit.)

I was wondering the same. I would like to know the dynamic of this board too.

I once had someone do this to me in my teens I was at a hostel. He asked me to loan him money (grown man) and I'd never experienced that so said I couldn't as I didn't get any money till Tuesday.

Tuesday morning he showed up at my door first thing saying can you still lend me that £40 quid. I almost laughed - that was all the money I had received!
He then said okay give me half. I said no and he kept lowering the amounts till he said okay fine give me a fiver. By that point I was fed up and said NO. He never spoke to me again in the 3 months till I left that place.

I was 16 he was at least 35. People use the fact they know where you live against you as they know you'll feel awkward. You can not continue to hide from this woman. I'd even go as far as suggesting you need to show up at hers today crying for money or something dramatic so she starts avoiding you.

Do what you need to get her off your back. Also knock at the door for your daughters tracksuit. Say she needs it today please. Accept no excuses about it no being washed etc and say you'll do it yourself. If she still insists on not returning say you need some money towards it to replace it as you're low on cash.

Good luck

I was wondering the same. I would like to know the dynamic of this board too.

I wasn’t questioning the dynamic of this board - rather the dynamic of the OP’s situation that would make it uniquely relevant to this board.

Why in earth do you think I’m in a group for BLACK mumnetters????????

Same reason I am, I guess?

But I wasn’t sure if any aspect of your neighbour problem required my response as a Black MN poster, as opposed to just as a poster.

As I said - track suit probably Vinted by now.

Apologies. Didn't notice this was in black mumsnetters.

I am a black mother with autism, who doesn’t have any friends or family around me . Apologies for coming on a ‘blackmumnets’ board, because I felt comfortable seeking advice online, with other black women.

Don’t say you can’t afford it or give any other reason. That gives her a way in to negotiate. Just say No Sharon, I’m not giving you any more money. And use the broken record technique.

No Sharon, I’m not giving you any more money
But I’ll pay you back!
No Sharon, I’m not giving you any more money.
OK then, just a tenner!
No Sharon, I’m not giving you any more money.
But my children will starve!
No Sharon, I’m not giving you any more money.
You’re being so mean, I’d do it for you!
No Sharon, I’m not giving you any more money.

She will stop, I promise. If you turn off the tap she’ll find another victim.

Boundaries. Keep saying no. You don’t have to justify yourself.

This is why you should never give reasons for not lending. If you don’t have money until Tuesday they’ll come for you Tuesday. If you can’t afford 50 they’ll pester you for 30. Just say no, I don’t lend, you’ll have to ask someone else or get an overdraft.

lol, this!

Thank you. The only reason I leant her the £30, was because she took my daughter out along with hers. I did explain I wasn’t in a position to, especially with the cost of living. Sorry to put this here. I wouldn’t have many people I could take to, hence why I’m in this ‘’forum’’ xxx

She is 8. I was fuming they sent her home, without my permission.

That’s fine. It was just the way you started off the sentence. It came across as rude. She is white, but I just feel more comfortable speaking to other black moms

Are you relatively new to the area?

I’m guessing she has already tried this with all the other neighbours - so you’re just the next victim. But it is the case that (maybe unconscious) residual racism might make her think you would be more grateful for her attention and somehow have less power to refuse her.

All the Just Say No advice above is excellent.

In the nicest possible way you need to become confident in dealing with people and set boundaries in place otherwise you will be a victim to unsavoury people all of your life and your child/children will also grow and think they have to be passive and allow others to take advantage of them.

Look what happened to this woman and understand that unless you can stand up for yourself then you will continually be targeted by nasty people.

www.dailymail.co.uk/video/video/video-3137447/Three-jailed-life-murder-woman-treated-like-slave.html

You need to keep this neighbour at arm's length which means not accepting help from them ever. Any time she asks just say 'I'm sorry - I'm not in a position to lend anyone any money at all'. Keep repeating. After twenty times of you saying this surely she'll stop asking.

Everytime she asks for money "funny that I was going to ask to lend some money off you, I'm skint too."

Rinse & repeat every single time. She'll soon stop asking.

I had a colleague at work who tapped me up for money. I lent him £20 one week. The next week he came back asking for more. I told him 'you've not paid back the £20 you borrowed from me last week, yet.' and he said 'what £20?’.

That was the end of that. I never got my £20 back, but he left me alone.

Just to add, maybe you need to turn the tables?

Knock on her door and ask for that money you lent her so that you can buy food for your child. I'm guessing she won't have it for x reasons. Ask again whenever you see her and she'll start avoiding you!

Every time she asks for money, say, "I was just about to ask you for that money I lent you, because I'm really broke." I don't think she'll ask very often.

Can you go to her door with a friend and ask for the clothes back? Say it doesn't matter if they're dirty, you just want them back.