Hi,
I have deliberately posted on this board as i am after the perspective of black mumsnetters. This is a long one so I appreciate you all taking the time to read it.
I am a black mother with a mixed raced DD6 who was diagnosed with ASC at 4. I had a negative experience with a childminder, a white woman with two secondary school aged mixed race DDs herself - although this may not be relevant. DD started off with CM at 11 months and everything started off very positively and we had a good year. But as she got older it became clear that her behaviours were very different to those of her peers and the CM took every opportunity to let me know about this. She would say that her peers were talking and my DD wasn’t, were walking and my DD wasn’t, were attempting potty training etc. Because I am a SEN teacher and appreciate that children make landmarks at different times I would shrug off her comments and say as much. She walked and talked and was potty trained within the expected time so never worried about this. We also used a communication book and she would just write negative things all the time, dd was jumping, dd didn’t listen, dd was being loud, dd was sad all day etc. It was a stressful time. It’s worth noting that at this point I didn’t entertain SEN because she was so little and wasn’t delayed in anything of note.
After about 6 months of this I looked for an alternative placement. I realised that the cm’s flat wasn’t suitable as my DD loved to jump and do things that toddlers liked. But the cm kept on going on about how it was “her home” and she was concerned about the noise below - she lived in an upstairs flat.
We had a meeting and we discussed how things were going and she was going on about how she felt dd wasn’t managing at hers as she didn’t like to sit still for hours like her peers (DD actually loves books and was reading at 4 but that’s by the by now) and gave me the name of possible nurseries. I told her I had already found one but the plan would be to start after the feb half term as I could do a proper transition with dd during the half term holiday as I wouldn’t be at work and I wanted it to be as smooth for DD as possible. CM was saying how she felt so sad by everything and even my DP was “off” with her. I explained my DP didn’t have time for chit chat in the morning as he had to go to work so not to read anything into his brief good morning as anything more than a brief good morning. She also commented on something I had written in the book. She had written something positive about DD and I wrote “it was nice to read something positive for a change” this had been written about 3 months prior so she held onto that. I explained that as a teacher I too have to write comments in books for parents and we try to be as positive as we can. She went on to say she was being honest and I said I don’t mind honesty but it was really stressful reading negative things about my daughter all the time. Anyway, I felt the meeting ended positively and we agreed that dd would leave but at a time that wouldn’t be too difficult for her to transition.
Two days later CM spoke to me at pick up and asked if DD could leave at an earlier date because another child needed more hours and she “would be staying until she started school”. I referred her to our previous conversation as to why I didn’t want DD to leave until a later date and thought that was that. The next day she handed me my month’s notice going on about how “sad” she was about the whole situation about us finding a nursery without telling her. I feel that’s what she was upset about, me finding somewhere without letting her know beforehand. I reminded her that she gave me names of alternative nurseries too. But it was all about her and how sad it was all for her. Nothing about my DD and how a shorter transition into nursery might affect her. She did all of this on her doorstep at pick up as other parents waited and listened whilst waiting for their kids. I felt this was very deliberate and quite spiteful because I couldn’t really argue my case. So I accepted her notice not that I had any choice and DD left after a month.
Now DD wasn’t even 3 at this point and I still hadn’t even thought of SEN this came later when she was at nursery and things weren’t going well there either. But that’s a slightly more positive thread.
I am still really angry with the CM and how she treated my DD. The reason I have posted here is because I feel there is some unconscious bias at play here. My DD has always been quite tall for her age she still is now and I felt the CM expected more from her because she was bigger than the other children. I felt her choice to challenge me on her doorstep in public was very deliberate because had a I dared make a scene then it was would be easier to vilify me as a black woman. She was very judgemental about DD’s behaviour and was always really stern with her but didn’t consider that maybe she was neurodivergent.
As you can tell I still haven’t made my peace with this even though it was 4 years ago. As far as I know she’s still a CM but feel she needs to have an awareness of those children who don’t tick the boxes and behave in a way that she doesn’t like and maybe there’s a reason for this. Also she needs to be aware about how she treats the families she works with. Of course I cannot compare my experience with other families so I have no other evidence.
Can any of you see what I see? Do you think I should let it go? Do you think I should focus on the now? I am after different perspectives because it’s hard to see this other than the way I see it. Every time I think of DD’s early childcare experiences it makes me so sad.
Thanks again for reading.