Black parents' experiences of private school (as a black parent)

[samosamo]

I've been speaking to a friend about this, and I have been surprised by what I have heard.

If you have a child at private school, what is that experience like FOR YOU as a black parent. Yes you, not talking about your children here, someone is actually asking about you!!!

I'll start off. My friend said it is quite cliquey among parents, and this often runs along race and/or class lines, and there is a totem pole of sorts and this actually can affect their children.

Can anyone expand on that or rubbish it or contribute something else?

I’ll also add that the more effort you make with other parents (so go out of your way to talk to others/attend coffees/dinners etc), the more play dates/parties your DC will be invited to and the more you’ll find out about out of school clubs their friends go to so your DC can join them and further cement friendships with other parents there. If you don’t want to make an effort or not bothered about play dates etc then you can’t really complain that DC are left out of things or you’re left out

Thanks all.

@Fretfulmum are you black?

In my experience the cliques are mainly between the county level sports parents against those who are not. Sport is sooo time consuming so i guess it is explainable.

My children are friends with children from lots of different cultures and i welcome all of them and their parents into my home. Tbh by secondary there is much less parental involvement anyhow.

The private schools in my area are more culturally diverse than the middle class favoured state schools.

@samosamo yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have answered

I’m not black but noticed that in DS’ private school black children don’t tend to come into primary / prep until Year 3/4 (they start prep for the secondary entrance exam in Year 5). Before Year 3 it’s mostly white and Indian kids. It’s usually because local black families are all from first generation working class Egyptian and Somalian familes (there are 50 in total). In some cases two or more families may club together to send a child (the child then has to coach the other family’s child with what they’ve learned so they can apply via a seperate route for scholarships).

We rarely see professional black families send their children to the school. It doesn’t happen either at primary or secondary. Local State schools are excellent, so if you live in the area there isn’t a need. The black kids that enroll come from deprived areas where stabbing / gang related crime is on the rise for all kids (not just black ones).

The school has recognised this as a problem and has communicated with us that they will create 200 more places at Secondary just for black or black-mixed pupils and that entry will be based on interview and potential rather than entrance exam (even for existing prep students). They will also have to take sports, languages and learn music and will get free lessons so they can have the same potential to succeed as other students.

There are cliques in the school - usually profession/looks based and worse with mums. Eg I do the school run in the clothes I wear to work from home / no make up / I don’t talk about my job and many mums dismissed me. It was only when one of the mums’ older children wanted a prestigious fintech internship and I popped up on a LinkedIn search of the manager that they realised how senior my job is. I don’t think the black mums are discriminated against - most are young and dress well and so fit in nicely with with the ‘in crowd’.

@Fretfulmum Thank you!

Bit late the party. Ethnicity a factor with parents, children and teachers. Your child may get a better academic education but race/ethnicity will always be in their orbit. It is there in every school and will follow your child to university if they attend a Russell Group or Oxbridge. As long as you work out who the problematic teachers and parents are and your child has a good group of friends, plus has grades that speak for themselves it is worth it. (day private not boarding school).

Some parents will be friendly and others will not make space for you no matter what effort you make. This is a common issue especially with people who consider themselves middle class and upwards, no matter whether you are in a private or state school setting. Parents will often try to manufacture friendships with families 'like them'. My own take was help out but don't get involved in the drama.

Monies is definitely a clique issue. If you do not have the millions then you will not fit into the money clique. What makes me laugh is when they realise that someone they considered poor is actually richer than them!

Happened to one of my good um friends and suddenly she was invited into the clique! She played a good balance of not pissing them off but kept true to herself, is as she always was.

There is definitely a clique of the certain races.

What you do not want to be is a single mum - very few cliques accept you into them and you are alone - as I found out!

Blimey @MamaAyy you didn’t have to snap quite so much at @Hatvonbat As per your advice to her, you could have read/ignored her post and moved on 🤷‍♀️

you don't think black mums are discriminated against?

black people club together to send one child and that one child in turn coaches others so they can have a slice of the privilege- really?

What area is this?

What a rude post. Even if the OP asked for Black parents' perspectives, it's nice to hear from a Teacher's perspective as well. Or would you rather the PP had started another thread just to post her thought?

This exactly. Sadly the teachers can be the same.
Speaking to some friends, I don't believe it's happening exclusively to ethnic minorities. I am friendly with a lot of mums of all races who have experienced the same and their children have experienced the same too.

I also find some schools are all about networking and knowing the "right" people so the parents will be very selective about who they speak to and same goes for children. Sad but true.

That said, you do eventually find "normal" people. In fact majority of people will be normal.
I also think it's the area, type of school and people around. Our other DC has gone to a different school and it's just an ENTIRELY different environment and experience. Look around the schools OP. See if you can attend family days or events at the school before signing up so you can get a feel of it. I wish we had done that.

@JustAMinutePleass LOL what area is this?
Can I just say the wealthiest family in our school just so happens to be a black family.
We aren't there in high numbers, but there are only 4% of black people in the UK.
We have also been there from the start - your post is hilarious. I am keen to know where it is.

100% True! I could have written this! This entire post is true - all of it. Especially the bit about networking with specific types - which I also mentioned before.

"As long as you work out who the problematic teachers and parents are and your child has a good group of friends, plus has grades that speak for themselves it is worth it. (day private not boarding school)."

This isn't always relevant. I think the wealthiest family in our school is black - from Africa. An no there's no affinity towards the child or family. They do not fit in with what some of these mums are looking for in terms of networking etc.

This is also true once they are older. When they are younger it's a bit different I feel.

@DM29 You hit the nail on the head! We attend as many things as we can. But most importantly we invite lots of our DCs friends home or out for playdates. We are always doing something.
I agree with everything you have written in your posts.

For black parents it’s an entirely different experience compared to the children! . That’s a good thing because the focus is on the children. Race definitely plays a major part the more you venture away from the big city into the smaller towns and what you see in private schools is a mere extension of that. There is what I can sadly describe as hostility towards the black parents from the problematic white and SOME Asian parents. Even more so where your children seem to be doing better than their children or your children have more confidence. Almost as if as black people you need to know your place. I agree with maintaining a presence at events and showing that you equally belong there. What matters is your children thriving and excelling. The cliques , boot licking , drama etc are entertaining though ! .