Black parents' experiences of private school (as a black parent)

[samosamo]

I've been speaking to a friend about this, and I have been surprised by what I have heard.

If you have a child at private school, what is that experience like FOR YOU as a black parent. Yes you, not talking about your children here, someone is actually asking about you!!!

I'll start off. My friend said it is quite cliquey among parents, and this often runs along race and/or class lines, and there is a totem pole of sorts and this actually can affect their children.

Can anyone expand on that or rubbish it or contribute something else?

Hello, "black" - mixed white Caribbean- ds in private school
Since age 3, now 14, English Midlands county town. Honestly no issues at all, great relationship with
School and other parents. Happy to respond to specific questions

Hi there,

I don't have any specific questions as yet, I was just hoping for some experiences.

Perhaps we'll get some through at some point.

the conversations I have had suggest that, at leats in London very selective schools, there is a pecking order of sorts, where some parents have a lot of power (due to money, legacy, other reasons?), there is favouritism shown through trips (children with parents who have money, benefit of legacy etc going on more), and other bits. Indian parents in groups, white British parents in groups, black parents trying to organise together.

Hi, this is an interesting post.

I am a black parent with children in a private school (primary aged). We have been in 3 private schools from nursery onwards and I would say that your friend is correct.

We have experience of Surrey private schools and to an extent they are cliquey and can depend on class, wealth, age, race etc.
I found in one of the schools it was very cliquey. There was a lot of judgement based on the car you drove, size of your property, what you wore etc. Being one of very few black parents it was not the most comfortable space and got quite annoying with all eyes on you at pick up etc.
Some parents wouldn’t speak to you even though their child is bellowing for your DD from across the playground.
I found that some of these parents do not like to see black families in the same space.

We have now moved to a smaller private schools for various reasons, mostly academic. I would say it’s still cliquey but very much less so, much more inclusive.

Happy to answer any specific questions.

I think one question would be, do you think you have got the hang of it?

I ask because I have two friends with children in the same school. One had experience of private school herself when younger, and she understands a lot of the politicking. She dislikes much of it, but she can navigate it. My other friend has no personal experience, she is learning as she goes, and honestly my other friend has had more success (with the school putting her child forward for scholarships at the secondary school, her child gong on more school trips). My other friend has a lovely group of mum friends, they are really close, but what she is able to do for her child is far less (both mixed race black / white women, though one's child is much lighter than the other).

It honestly sounds like a lot of hard work - get other parents to like you, get teachers to like you etc etc. I am wondering what it will be like when these children want to be put forward for certain unis.

Sorry, first friend I mentioned has more success than second friend (measured on those factors).

Hi, interesting to read and thought I would pass my humble experience on. I am a (white) teacher in a private (Prep) school having been brought up in a very poor area/family. I am, now, a private school parent as my DS attends the same school. I can honestly say I have not seen an exclusion amongst parents based on skin colour. However, the exclusion based on income, house size, job and car ownership is real!!
In my job, I include every child regardless. I teach because I want to teach and there is no hierarchy in my classroom 😊. Wish that could be the norm everywhere!

But you can't speak on a black parent's experience because you aren't black. There are nuances to the black experience that you will never be able to pick up on because it's not your lived experience. This post has asked for views from the black parent's experience so your post, in my opinion, adds no value. You don't need to chime into every discussion especially when the request is as specific as this one has been.

WOW!

And yet you feel fully qualified to speak on behalf of the OP…

@CrappyBarbara I am not speaking on behalf of the OP. The post is clear in its request...chiming in with opinions that don't have the basis of the lived experience that actually underpin the entire post is not useful or required. Sometimes, it's okay to read something and make a judgement call that "actually, this isn't something I can effectively contribute to as I haven't lived it".

I am not white, but my lived experience with my DDs being privately educated was that the wealthy parents were definitely a clique which "lesser mortals" were excluded from. This extended to out of school activities as well where they paid for the best tuition/equipment, made sure the organisers knew about it and effectively bought their kids places in teams etc. I can remember one instance where a child didn't do very well at common entrance and the parents got a meeting with the head to complain and magically a place materialised at their preferred school.
It can vary from year group to year group, we certainly found my youngests year group to have generally delightful friendly parents rather than the older ones year group which had 3 mothers in particular vying to be top dog and that cascaded down to their DC as well. There was a fair bit of bullying going on as a result in the older year group - hardly surprising as the parents concerned were terrifically good at bullying themselves.

She doesn't need to have lived it, as she is not commenting on the basis of being a black parent. She is voicing her own perception as a teacher and describing how things seem to work in her school. No it's not the response that the OP was specifically requesting, but its still a useful insight (in my opinion). I'm not sure why you feel the need to dismiss it. You are not the gatekeeper of this thread.

@Valhalla17 I'm not going to be pulled into a back and forth with anyone about this. I said what I said and it's not changing. Good day.

I think myself and husband are getting the hang of it. We are both black so my DD is one of very few black children in her school. (Small school) She will be joined by our DS next year when he enters into kindergarten.

From my experience and advice from older black individuals who have educated their kids in private school I’m getting it.

I found that you have to get involved as much as you can. Go to the class coffees and mum dinners and keep your ear to the ground. I didn’t too much of that in the big school but my current school it’s much easier.
I very much find the way the children interact to a large extent is a reflection of the parents. At the last school many kids were very fond of my DD but, I think race was a factor in play dates etc. My husband had a slightly different experience to me being a black man so didn’t see all the nuances.

But, yes there are parents who are in the pockets of some of the teachers and administration etc. I can only be my authentic myself. However, I will ensure my DD gets what she needs to succeed. Every email I respond to, any meeting, concert, recital, assembly we are in attendance. Just the visibility alone speaks volumes. If it makes other parents uncomfortable or challenges their perception or people who look like me so be it.
So, in a nutshell yes we are getting the hang of it, by the grace of God!

I would have thought the opinion of a teacher at a private school could have been an interesting addition to the thread.

I think cliques based on wealth or perception of it exist in all schools in wealthier areas. My dc is starting independent & it does worry me how we/ dc will be accepted. I work full time so it’s not going to be easy to attend coffee mornings etc. DC will take school bus so no parent will see our car!

I am a black mother, I know another non white but not black mother that has found herself boxed in an independent London school that is more local to her. Although her child is popular dc barely gets asked to parties and play dates are not returned. This can be hard at primary as you don’t feel your child gets the full primary experience. It’s easier to take at secondary when the child is more independent and can arrange own things to a certain extent.

I don’t have any answers as I don’t think school can force parents to do certain things? In smaller primary schools I’ve heard of children born the same month sharing primary school parties which allows for all to be invited which is an inclusive approach.

i was educated in the independent sector and I think my mother had similar issues at primary - no lift shares offered for Brownies, in those days with paper invitations having not much of an idea on if anyone would come to your child’s party. Barely any sleepovers. Then I went to boarding school for secondary and the friends I made there 20 yrs ago are still closest friends.

I’m not black but DH is, I asked him what he thought. He said he doesn’t feel treated differently at all and the 4 other black Dads don’t band together at all and are just friends with everyone else depending on their interests. Our private prep is in London and it’s a very diverse mix ethnically so maybe that helps? I’m a different BAME heritage myself but the only one in our year.

DS has been in a private school since reception and I’ve experienced the cliques based on race and perceived wealth. Even seeing the school staff swayed by the influence of wealthy parents….sigh. I’ve kept things light and friendly, but I’ve noticed a decline in birthday party invites etc. Now DS’ been saying things like ‘ when x happens to me they all laugh but when I do it back they gang up on me…’
It makes you wonder if the trade off is worth your child’s self esteem..

I moved both my DCs from the local state school to a local private school at the start of the last academic year.

Yes, there are some cliques amongst parents, which I expected as I was realistic enough to realise that friendships between the parents would have built up over several years.

Overall however, I can honestly say the parents at the private school are much less cliquey, judgemental, patronising and ostracising than the vast majority of parents I came across at my DC's state schools. I'm guessing that this is because the private school families are from a wide range of countries around the world and are used to relating easily to people of different cultures.

Hiya Op,

I am very fortunate as we live in the SE - but not deep in the SE so we have access to some great private schools and the one I chose for my daughter is very diverse - my heart lept when I saw the majority of their year 6's were BLACK. This school is not cheap neither. Also, I am quite.... forward so you will be my friend by force for the sake of our children and I do not care - I rock up to pick up in tracksuit, let them look. Again, I do not care and do not want my daughter to care either. :)

Stunned at how Hatvonbat's post is not seen as relevant. I welcomed it.

@KFAAYWFO - “you will be my friend by force”
love it 😂

We have experience of RC state school and private and it’s cliquey in both.

I made friends with my dc’s friends mums at primary level
and it’s interesting that although our dc are no longer that close, they’re almost off to uni, some of us keep in touch, do stuff together.

Some in our group were more well off than others but there was no flaunting as I’ve seen looking from afar at other groups.

It’s been ok. I wouldn’t go to desperate measures to socialise for my kids’ sake but I did make an effort and I’ve met some nice people.

I’m black with a black parent, but don’t experience much cliquey behaviour in terms of race.

This is likely due to the fact our London private school is quite diverse and with it being secondary, I just slide in and out and have no time for being part of any group.

What @Hatvonbat says is quite valid though, as the children actually ran investigations in Year 6 (Year 6 was part of the secondary school) to determine who lived in what type of house / parents’ jobs etc and were allegedly quite disparaging to the children that didn’t fit.

That was somewhat short-lived as the teachers made a real effort to integrate all the kids, so birthday parties from Year 7 onwards were quite mixed - race and socio-economic.

All parents seem fine at open evenings, so again, no issues there. I think primary where everyone hangs around at the gates or playground may have this issue though, as it was rife even in our state primary.

There are cliques and it’s much worse for mums than dads. DH is black and seems to fit right in and the dads all just talk to anyone. Mums are more cliquey and I find that theres cliques based on class and wealth far more than by race. But overall, it’s down to personality. Like minded people become friends far more easily. If you have similar interests, eat/drink/socialise at similar places and within similar social circles. Like the same kind of holidays etc etc. Thats what cements the groups more than anything, and that’s also natural in any friendship group. So the wealthier ones who like doing similar things will naturally be more friendly as they have more in common. This also means these parents will arrange more play dates with their own DC and encourage DC friendships amongst their groups.

I have experience of 3 private schools and I can’t say race had an affect on teaching/education at all.