Moving to majority-white area as a mixed family - dilemma!

[Newmummy133]

Hi all,

Wondering if you can help me with this dilemma I’m having, and really sorry if I’m posting this on the wrong topic but wasn’t sure where else to post!

Myself, partner and DS are a mixed race family (partner is black, I am white, DS mixed race). We currently live in a very diverse area, both culturally and ethnically, but due to needing more support with childcare from my mum we are moving closer to my parents, who live in a majority white (and very friendly and somewhat increasingly diverse) area up north.

We put an offer in on a house up there when DS had just turned 1 and expected it to be a quick sale as no chain (we are FTB, sellers moving into rented). At the time we weren’t thinking so far into the future; our priority was that we lived close enough to my mum for help with childcare as full time nursery costs would really stretch our money. However, the house sale has taken a lot longer than expected (now going on 7 months), we have received a date for completion (in 2 weeks’ time, haven’t exchanged yet) and I’m suddenly having major second thoughts about everything.

DS is now nearing 2 years old, so if we are to stay in our house for 3-5 years, he will be attending school in the area. I’ve done extensive research on the schools and whilst it won’t be a case of him being the only non-white child in his school or probably even his class, he will be in a massive minority. My partner, who has spent his whole life living in very diverse areas, has some reservations but doesn’t seem as concerned as I do about the diversity aspect of where we’re moving to.

The dilemma I’m having is that currently, the move makes sense as we will get on the property ladder (can’t afford a decent property where we currently live!) and we will save a lot of money on childcare with my mum’s help. However, I can’t shake the thought of my DS going to a majority white school when, if we stayed where we currently live, I know he would be going to a school with people from all different backgrounds, which as he gets older I do personally feel is important. If we stay where we currently live though, he will have to go into nursery full time and we will have to rent (rent is increasing at an alarming rate in our area too!) which will leave us with barely any money month to month!

AIBU to have these worries when my partner isn’t AS worried as I am, and would it be irrational to go into this move with the mindset that we might move back to our current area in a few years for DS to attend school here, when we can afford a better property here too?

Any advice and help from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be much appreciated!

Thank you x

You are not wrong to have concerns, reservations about moving to an area where your son will be in a minority at any school he attends. It will not be without its challenges. If you do move, I would just suggest that you pay keen attention to how he is treated at school by teachers, etc. Educate yourself as to how racism presents itself, as it has many forms, and you will have to advocate for your son when this happens.

Thank you so much for your reply. The move makes complete sense at the moment for all of us, I’m just not sure it makes sense for when my DS is a bit older and he is of course my absolute priority. It’s good to hear from someone else that I’m definitely not wrong in having these concerns though! My plan is to visit the schools way in advance and ask about their ethos, education of other cultures and backgrounds, and the anti-bullying but most importantly anti-racism policies they have in place for both students and staff, so that I can make an informed decision about whether the area is right for my son to grow up and attend school in. I take some comfort knowing that where we’re moving to isn’t a rural area and we will by no means be the only non-white family, but I’ve suddenly realised how daunting it will be to move from one of the most diverse areas in the country to somewhere very different!

I hear you. I think that it is really good that you are thinking so much about your son, and how it may impact him, you're moving to a less diverse area. I know from some family members who have done the same thing, that some of the children at school for example had not seen afro type hair before. Their questions even though innocent had the children beginning to think that there was something wrong with how their hair is. Things like that, can leave a negative impression on the child unfortunately. As you say there are other families there as well, so you will not be alone in that sense. Good luck with the move, if that is what you decide to do.

Yes, I think this is my worry, I’m mostly not concerned about overt racism as I know we’re moving to a nice and friendly area where I’d like to think people are just decent enough human beings that my son won’t be subject to that, it’s more the covert racism or, as my son starts to get older and form an identity, realising he’s ‘different’ to a lot of his peers or struggling with his identity with relation to his race/culture altogether. Definitely something to think about, I’m just glad if we do make the move I have a good few years to figure these things out before he starts school! Thank you so much for your insights, they’ve been so helpful :)

Thank you. I hope that you will get some more replies. As you say it is the covert racism that can be harder to navigate. The presumptions that society will make, based on the colour of a person's skin, which unfortunately usually translate to poorer treatment, harsher penalties, i.e. school detentions, exclusions. I don't want to come across as really negative, but this is the reality for a lot of black children, especially boys. I dare say that mixed race children, experience all this to a certain degree as well. It would be great if none of these things were happening. While your son is young, one of the most important things that you, and your husband can do is try to instill in him knowledge, and pride in his heritage. No doubt you are already doing all that, but it will all help with his sense of self, when he is growing up, and becoming more aware of who he is, in relation to his peers.

Mixed race family here in a predominantly white area. If the schools where you are are good and the area is safe, sacrifice and stay where you are. Without wanting to sound grim, your DM may not always be around or she might not want to do as much free childcare as time goes on. Mine are older and it's only now I can see the impact of them being a minority and how this has shaped their identity. And I hasten to add that they've had no overt racism, but the low level, covert stuff can be very damaging, even if it is well meaning. The constant "Oooh I love Afro hair!" or "ethnic children are so cute!" gets so incredibly grating over time. DS told me recently he was in a queue in Lidl and the woman in front told him he looked like a Black man she knows of, and did ds know him? She couldn't remember his name, but "he's Black, so you must know him?" It's just so incredibly othering.
Living in an area that is rich in cultures and identities is an amazing advantage and a great form of cultural capital. It's all well and good being treated well in primary/secondary school but from what I've seen it's a different ball game when applying for jobs.

Thank you so much for your insight it’s so helpful to hear from someone else who’s in the same situation! I’m so sorry your DS had to face such ignorance in Lidl, it’s unbelievable how people say these things and don’t even realise how rude they’re being! It’s definitely the covert racism I’m most concerned about, and just him starting to notice that he’s a minority amongst his peers and how that might make him feel. I hadn’t even thought about when he’s left school and starts applying for jobs! This is why if we do make the move, I’ve told my other half I would like to keep our options open as he gets older and maybe consider moving back to the area we live now. There’s so many advantages to moving, but it’s really hit me square in the face that I’ve never had to worry too much about either DP’s or DS’s experiences regarding race/identity where we live, and as you’ve said that really is such an advantageous thing which I have to consider if it’s worth giving that up!

Mixed heritage family in a majority white area. The difference in the area that I live in now and other areas that I have lived in is that racism comes in eloquent sentences, with a smile, a sense of superiority and out of the mouths of people you think would know better. Its Hobson's choice - middle class 'othering' or diversity and poverty. I lived in a few places in England in and outside of London, and it has been the same 'choice' everywhere. I have lived. I tend to find that you get to know the other ethnic families and there a camaraderie in that. Its not all bad, we live in a relatively safe area, with space and 'decent' schools, they see successful ethnic people both black and non black who have not lost their ethnicity. I do believe that you cannot be what you cannot see.

Where are you moving to?

You are definitively right to be concerned.. however affordable childcare and secure housing are also huge areas that impact on your child’s well being.

As he’s so little I would give it a go, you have many years to make a second more to more diverse city before he’s secondary school age when he will need to stay put.

If people are not used to diversity, race is all they associate with a non-white. The decent ones will be at pains not to show it but that will be on their minds. Growing up in a very diverse area (London), the dcs (mixed race) and their friends were largely colour blind when they were little. But now, when they are teenagers, it is clear they do notice, but it is not a big issue as it would be if everyone else were white.

It will be a more of a problem when your ds is older. If you move out now, do you think you will not able to move back because you are priced out of the housing market?

Thank you so much for your replies everybody! It’s so interesting and useful to hear both sides of peoples’ thoughts and experiences.

We’ve decided to go ahead and make the move purely because currently, it makes so much sense financially and DS is still so young. Our house that we’ve bought is definitely a starter home and we won’t be living there forever, so my partner and I have had the conversation about potentially moving back to where we currently live when DP is a little older.

We’re moving from West Midlands to the North West (between Liverpool/Manchester, which is where I’m from) - definitely not an area where my partner and DS will be the only people of colour but where we currently live, I’m in the minority as a white person so regardless it’s still going to be a very big change in terms of the demographics we’re used to here! I’ve looked into the schools in the area though and have seen they’re somewhat diverse, but as previous commenters have said, I will be enquiring about the schools’ ethos and policies surrounding diversity and inclusion and how they tackle discrimination. My DS was also born very late in August and I’ve always said I would defer him for a year if I feel he isn’t ‘ready’ for school when he turns 4, so if that ends up being what we do, we could potentially be moving into our next house before he even starts school and therefore could move areas with relative ease.

To answer other people’s queries - where we currently live isn’t the safest area, we live in a 1 bed flat and are moving to a 3 bed house on a lovely estate which obviously has huge benefits for our little one! If we were to stay in our current area for the next few years, we wouldn’t be able to afford to buy, we would probably have to stay living in a flat rather than a house and DS would have to go into nursery full time rather than getting to spend a couple of days a week with his grandparents which again I think adds such a positive to his life at this age. If we do decide to move back to the West Midlands in a few years’ time, given the equity we would’ve built up in our house, plus salary increases etc, we’d be able to afford a really nice house, so it definitely makes sense to move, get on the property ladder, save money on childcare and then reevaluate on what’s best for our family and most importantly our DS in a few years’ time!