Gangs in London

[ShouldIActNow]

I have two Ds’s age 11 who have just started secondary school in se London.
Where we live is rife with gang activity, there was a stabbing at the bottom of the flats we live in last week & there are boys smoking and drinking on the stairs regularly so we have to walk through them.

I’m not particularly concerned about that and not really scared for myself, however my sons have to go home by themselves and I am honestly terrified of them being groomed, robbed or worse by them.
The other day one boy was offering my son money and I know how to easy it is to then become involved.

So my issue now is, is it too late to move out of London as they are starting to settle down or am I being over dramatic?

All of our family and support system are in a 2 mile radius to us, their dad is round the corner although not really much help.
What do I do? It’s such a difficult decision to make on you’re own.

Also do any of you have any experience with this type of situation and what did you do about it?

For my sister, was in this exact same situation, about 10 years ago. What she does (and she kicked her boys partner in on this) is simply being very strict on their after school hours movements. Basically the boys weren't allowed to hang out after school, it had to be specifics with pick ups , she didn't ease up, she had to know where her boys were for every second of the day.

It was hard, a few times the boys flared up with the lack of freedom, and that's where their father had to help, but she used the whole family and really pushed clubs and sports, devil makes work...

If you own your home, sell up, if you rent, move, if in social housing ask for a flat swap as ultimately family can only do so much, it took my sister 3 years, but she managed to move, not far, but somewhere that was a boring street, rather than an estate where my nephews had to pass gangs. 13 to 18 are the danger years, especially 15 when boys look and think they're men but have the brain of boys.

I think my sister and her Ex showing a united front on keeping the boys out of 'badness' really made the difference. Your boys father really needs to step up, if this is impossible, is there someone who can stand in for him as a strong father figure ?

I would move. I fell in with a gang and although I'm relatively unscathed, as a parent now it horrifies me.

I have 2 sons also and it really worried me what they could become like.
You don't see it as first. It's like being groomed it's a "you cool? No one's troubling you are they? You can tell us you know?" And then the child starts replying yeah I'm ok bye, and then it goes on the next day. Might be a dig about trainers or showing off with money or teasing about a girl. It's like being groomed.

My husband is an ex gang member luckily no convictions and now works with youths like he used to be. He's a great dad and fantastic husband but he had to cut off a lot of friends as they live the same old lifestyle.

We decided to move when we had our first child and never looked back.
We are still close to London but Far enough away to leave peacefully.
Some times good kids become trapped whether that's due to boredom or fear it's not nice.

Thank you @Doubtmyself their dad fully understands the seriousness in all of this, he himself was in a gang when he was younger, which started around the age of 13-20.
He knows he needs to step up and I genuinely think he wants to, but isn’t quite sure how to actually be a parent and focus on them.

I’m in social housing, not able to exchange as it’s temporary and nobody in their right mind would move where we are now.

They do also have lots of after school activities and I try and make sure they’re busy all the time, but the worse thing is I have to work so am not always home when they get back from school, so I try to make sure they go to their nans.

It really is so hard trying to let them have independence, but keeping a tight rein on them, it’s no life at all.

I want to move, I should have done it when they were much younger but I wasn’t in a good place emotionally to have coped on my own with them being so young. It is honestly one of my biggest regrets.

Also the difficulty of finding a place not too far from family, that is ethically diverse and affordable is not helping me make any decisions.

It really is so hard trying to let them have independence,

They can't have independence until it clicks with them that gangs are not the way to go in life.

Two of my nephews who are now adults realised that at 13-14. The others realised it later, but as they were younger had people looking out for them.

Absolutely agree!

They really have no idea how bad things can get and even though I have explained it to them, they just don’t get it.
However I think ds1 kind of got a little glimpse of what I’d been telling him and how easy it is to get drawn into gangs, when he was offered the money.

He was terrified when he told me, as I think they always thought I was moaning at them or being to hard.

Where would anyone suggest moving to?

And if I decide to go, which is looking likely I have this really immense guilt that I am taking them away from having a relationship with their dad.
As I said he isn’t the greatest, but they do have a relationship and it’s likely going to do a lot of harm to it me moving far.
He doesn’t drive, so I would have to be the doing all the leg work if it came down to contact, driving up and down.

OP, sometimes even a move a mile away can feel completely different in London. Speak to your Social Housing group, altough you feel no-one would want your place, there are thousands of families in one room bedsits that would love your place if its warm, and has a few bedrooms. Look around other social housing groups for affordable rents and other schemes, local to your area as a way out.

Lastly, remember most black boys don't join gangs, most black boys don't get hurt, far too big a minority do, but its not most. Be vigilant, 11 year old boys shouldn't be out on the streets unsupervised after school in London, at any school age, you have to make it so that's its impossible for them to hang with the gang. You sound like an excellent mother, doing her best, your boys are lucky.

Black boys get sucked into gangs even with the best parenting and support, but if you do all you can, you can at least sleep at night that you're doing all you can.

Its bloody hard work, it effects all London black parents regardless if they have a mortgage or rent or own their home outright, the police and criminal gangs see one thing when they see a black boy, a target.

Would he have to drive? The beauty of London is great public transport so even if you were a number of tube stops/train stops away he could come and visit them easily.

One of the reasons I now live I Hampshire as I am planning children.

You'll find many parents like you on the outskirts of London. Children shouldn't be exposed to real life gangs. Please do all you can to move.

I’d also move if you could. Failing that, like others have said, you now have a small window as soon they may kick back at after school clubs but now you can make it normal for them. I wouldn’t let them walk back on their own, or have any unsupervised time after school at all.

He doesn’t drive, so I would have to be the doing all the leg work if it came down to contact, driving up and down.

Has he not heard of public transport? He would still be able to see his children if you moved to Edinburgh, never mind a different area of London!

To answer your questions - no, you are not being over dramatic and no, it isn’t too late to move.

And you really don’t have to stay in London! There’s a whole world out there and you could make a life for you and your children anywhere in the country. There are no laws that say a black family can only live in a few restricted areas. To be honest this is exactly the sort of thing your family should be supporting you to pursue - helping you to investigate other areas, talk to the HA, look for job possibilities. If they don’t back you on this then they don’t have your best interests at heart.

Been reading the post and as an ex-offender who went on to set up a charity project that supports those caught up in gangs and youth violence I totally understand your fears. I also get the sentiment of the response that both police and gang members target the same people. I would think really carefully about a possible move, consider where you are going to and try and understand enough about the area. Gangs, County Lines and Child Criminal Exploitation (CCE) are rife and there is usually some kind of activity in most areas. Given, outside of city centres there is likely to be less violence but people can get groomed anywhere thanks to their online activity. Secondly, don't forget that you know your son, wherever they are, you know their behaviour and what appeals to them, take advantage of that whatever decision you make and wherever you decide to move. Finally, is there anything their dad can do to support or engage with? Many of the young people I work with don't have male support figures in the home and guess what they look to them outside of it?

You sound incredibly patient OP. Does your ex support his kids finically?

I'm not a Londoner I'm up North but we have a decent train line directly to Ldn no excuses. There's also a mega bus!

I've done it with a baby to visit family. I would move no questions.

God, I hope by now the OP is well on the way to planning her relocation and establishing a more enjoyable life for herself and her family …