Building Confidence

[Twodees]

My ds is 10 and is a very loving and kind child. He gets upset easily whenever he has an argument with his sister or cousin. I see myself in him so much and it aggravates me as the behaviour grew into me being a sort of doormat which led to me being bullied in school. I have only just come into my confidence in my 40s and see that I could have stopped people treating me that way if I could have mustered enough emotional strength (Is that a thing?).


I don't know, am I expecting too much from my ds at this point? What can I do to make him stop crying every time his sibling or cousin makes him upset or unhappy? His sibling is 7 and very different to him which is okay. I have had a chat with ds and said if anyone or situation is upsetting, he can report it to adults present or leave the person be but try not to let them see that he is upset. I worry about him starting high school due to this. Please advise, how can I increase his confidence? Thanks

[debbrianna]

I am in two minds about letting people see you upset. I will give it a think and come back on it. My reading is racially motivated, and thinking it through will help.

What type of things happens with the cousins? I think context will matter and how you teach a child to defend themselves. Are they an only child? Are the cousins coming from a more larger family where you have to stand your ground or not be seen?

[Trainbear]

Has he got a positive male role model ?
How do you feel about introducing him to martial arts or youth organisations?
Building confidence can be hard, and no easy way - good luck.

[TheRealKatnissEverdeen]

Following with interest. My six year old lacks confidence and my threes year old can often induce him to tears. During covid he became more introverted and we decided to place him in an independent school after starting him in a state school.
He has good role models and we have tried to instill a sense of self, awareness and assurance but it's not landing yet.
I see it impacting his application to school work where he retreats into himself when unsure.
Sorry I have nothing solid to contribute but sending some virtual positive thoughts to you.

[Twodees]

Thanks everyone, Debrianna his cousins are from a nuclear small unit family. He has got positive role models in his life dad and uncles. He has got a sibling.

Train bear I tried to introduce martial arts but he said 'people are not supposed to hit each other' I mean what do you say to that?

Thereal, thank you I am leaning towards independent school for next stage too as smaller group may help him.gain confidence in his own way.

[debbrianna]

I think your child needs a supportive group of friends. One of the lovely things I saw was a group of six kids my dd is in and a small birthday party of six at a restaurant. One of their quiet friends ordered their food confidently at a restaurant, and they all clapped and hugged him. Us 3 parents sitting there with them didn't understand the joy. I asked dd later what that was about. She said he is very quiet and doesn't say much. They were all pleased he could do this. They are all in the same group of friends and love him. I teared up. That's what you need from a group of friends at school. These are seven-year-olds.

The problem is now I judge all other children by this standard. It also showed me that the type of school matters. Dd has joined her cousin's birthday parties and truly believes the behavior within schools dictates how children behave towards one another. Dd's school is big on promoting friendship, stomping out bullies, and encouraging other children to monitor the playground and watch out for lonely children and play with them. As a child at the school, you have to apply for the role. Almost like reflects but without the name. Every year they get lots of children applying. You need to find a similar school.

[RedWingBoots]

Train bear I tried to introduce martial arts but he said 'people are not supposed to hit each other' I mean what do you say to that?

There are other sports he can do where he can have good coaches. Just avoid football as the environment at grass roots level e.g. games can be toxic due to the amount of money at higher levels.

See what activities there are for kids his age in your area that you can afford, and make sure it's an activity he could continue until adulthood. Then tell him he's to try one for a year. If he doesn't like it then next year he can try something else.

Family and friends of mine have done that with their children for various reasons including raising their self-esteem. What has tended to happen the children end up sticking to the first or second activity they chose.

[TheRealKatnissEverdeen]

@debbrianna this is what I have found with the school my son attends. They really focus on pastoral care and foster caring principles as well as teaching children to be supportive of one another. At school parties I've watched his friends come and him, by the hand, to participate and be included as he's been bitten by shyness standing on the sides.
Finding a good set of friends, at this early age, can really help. We also mirror this at home with our friend's children as much as we can.

[Doubtmyself]

Having boys rid themselves of toxic masculinity but able to stand up for themselves is a fine line. I don't think there's anything wrong with being sensitive and a boy, but self defence is vital skill for them.

My parents sent us all to martial arts and my brother really came out of his shell in a positive way, perhaps you can play it out that's it all about self defence , not hitting each other ( which it is) and confidence. Find a male role model to go with him, it will do wonders...

[Trainbear]

Hmm, I hear what you say about “hitting each other”. As said a team sport, not soccer. Cricket? Lots of West Indian role models too! And given the recent reports esp. with Yorkshire will be carefully to not be seen to support any racial allegations.
Good luck to the young man.