Black child in private school

[DM29]

My DC would be the only black child in the small prospective school? Everything about the school is great despite the diversity in class. Would that be a deal breaker?

@OnceuponaRainbow18 I think most will agree with your sentiments but, from what you have described does such a school exists, let alone one in the private sector? If there is one then please let me know!! I grew up in what I would classify as a diverse school by way of pupils and a few teachers but, it was not all that and it did fall short in certain areas.

@DM29 yes these schools do exist but it is complete luck of the draw whether you or your kid will go to one. Unfortunately with the advent of academics in the state sector the head is often not the proper leader of the school.

@Soma I might have misunderstood you. Are you saying kissing of teeth shouldn't be dealt with as inappropriate behaviour? To me both kissing of teeth and saying the F word are inappropriate and utterly unacceptable.

@Delectable you misunderstood me. My child wasn't kissing their teeth. Also, kissing ones teeth can mean many things... People often do it when they are in agreement with something a friend says for example. It simply isn't a case of kissing ones teeth = bad or swearing. It's more nuanced, depending on the facial expression that accompanies it. Punishments for bad behaviour should be appropriate and proportionate.
www.tes.com/magazine/archive/detention-kissing-teeth-risks-racial-harassment
lasmaracuyas.tumblr.com/post/120780748726/french-schools-ban-teeth-sucking
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/school-exclusion/

We are in a similar situation but the schools is very progressive/aware of the lack of diversity and it's more about geographic location than anything else so we're going to go for it. That said, we have asked ourselves all the same questions as you and spoke candidly with the school about our worries and they explained how they would deal with any issues that did arise.

@Soma I see. In my culture it's totally inappropriate and generally isn't even an acceptable way of expressing a negative position. There's a calibre/type of people/person who would kiss teeth to express their positions but noone brings up their children to be one of those. It's not acceptable in polite company in my culture at all.

@Delectable I see. I generally use more interesting ways to express myself in any given situation, but I don't judge someone for kissing their teeth. I personally wouldn't use the C word or any other swear word, but I know people from all classes, including the county set who swear like troopers.

Don't do it OP. Go to a racially or at least culturally diverse school. I speak from experience. There should be other children who look like your child in the class, if they aren't why are you doing it?
Sadly in the UK it will be difficult to find a racially diverse private school however there are schools with a good number of black / mixed / asian children. It's even harder to find a private school with teachers from a diverse background. We had an offer from a wonderful school but have had to turn it down for that reason.

You can find an international school if you want to go private or just a culturally diverse school if not racially diverse, however I still would not enrol my kid if there weren't other brown people. We are in a some what diverse-ish school but even then we still experience lots of unconscious bias, racism etc.

Just to add that sometimes it's not the school or teachers, it can be the parents. Your children being excluded from activities or parties - as the only black child, they will ask you why only them. You can't stop people doing what they do - what do you say to your child? Children can be cruel - what will you say when they tell you others are not allowed to play because I am different or someone said my hair is ugly etc. All things we / friends have experienced. There's a lot more but just to say, in some cases it's the teachers but you have to constantly explain to your children or complain to the school.

I personally wouldn't put my Black DC into an environment where they are the only one. Especially not at a young age where they are unlikely to be able to recognise racism, but are aware that something in other people's interactions with them is "off".

Contrary to PP, I have found there are diverse private schools in the UK, a few in and around South London/Surrey. They also tend to have a high contingent of overseas students, compared to the average UK school.

Maybe South London - I haven't looked there. In Surrey some are some what racially diverse as I said not a huge number of black people but they exist. Most are culturally diverse so they have many overseas families who may/ may not be black but a good number of asian, American and European children so your children may not feel that they stick out as much. If there's boarding there are usually Nigerian children too. I agree with you - I wouldn't put my child in that situation. It isn't worth it.

@Mosmuma I mentioned up thread that I wouldn't put my children in a school if they were they only Black child in the school. Unfortunately seeing people who happen to look like them isn't always enough, and not a guarantee of inclusivity. One of my DC was in a class where 25% of the girls were Black. But the majority of those girls went to the same church and excluded everyone else most of the time. In five years, my DC was only invited to a handful of events and felt bad for not fitting in with them.
For balance, at one of our prep schools, about a third of the class knew each other before they started (went to the same nurse and were white). It was a class joke amongst the other parents how exclusionary they were, especially as they excluded everybody, Black, white, Asian.

A newish friend's mixed race DD goes to a state school in a majority white area, and is racially abused by her "friends" and appears to be picked on by the teachers. Unfortunately this is the nearest secondary school, all the others are likely to be the same, they can't afford to move or send her to an independent school.

I've also noticed that Black teachers in majority white schools are ground down by the system, and are so tired that they can fall for the tropes about Black children and their families. It's only when they stop working in the state system that they realise the damage it was doing to themselves and Black pupils.

If Black parents can afford to, or they qualify for bursaries and scholarships, I would always urge them to choose an independent school over a state school. For me, it's less about exam results, university and future jobs prospect, and all about the about the journey.

I am not sure if we are saying different things/ the same thing. I did say if I am going to choose private I would ensure there are other children who look like my children as a start. All schools will say they are inclusive and offer great pastoral care.
I agree with you that this is not proof that they are inclusive that's why I also said sometimes the school may try everything but the parents are shite and spoil it for you if they don't include your kid. Just like your example where they all knew each other from church. We have mums who all started at the beginning where we arrived a year after they did - they just will not include the new comers - despite our class being reasonably culturally and a little racially diverse at the time.

It is difficult but if you want to go private you won't find the parents so you can ask them all the questions you want to. On open days you just look at each class and see what it's like and who's in it. You also meet the teachers and make up your mind. We have visited schools where the teachers wouldn't even look at us. If you are lucky you might have friends who know the school and can give feedback.

I would still almost always go private for as long as I can afford it. But it's challenging finding the right school for your child when they are black. For me if there are no black children then it's a complete no. That's not the journey we want. We are looking around again and for some schools it's just disappointing, they don't even have any ethnic minority teachers.

www.independent.co.uk/voices/private-schools-equality-racism-b1777265.html

www.independent.co.uk/voices/private-school-racism-black-students-state-exclusions-a9286021.html

www.flolondon.co.uk/all-posts/what-it-means-to-be-black-in-a-british-boarding-school-Bk0AX

Just something to read when looking at schools.

@Mosmuma yes to everything you said. I think we are definitely in agreement. We viewed a couple of prep schools where the teachers were awful, and didn't hide their dislike of the children, much less the parents.

There is one famously awful owner managed and run independent school in North London (I won't name them) which goes from prep to Year 13, that I can't believe is still open. Friends in the area say the head of the prep school is antagonistic to everyone, apart from footballer parents.

She told one prospective parent that she had a reputation of being a dragon to maintain. I heard that she said to some Black families that "Black people had no class and had to prove themselves to her." Cue the mass exodus of Black families.
Said school went viral on social media a few years back for banning Black pupils from having canerow and braids. After a backlash they had the nerve to say that they had worked with a hairdresser to create their hair policy. Fortunately no one is obliged to send their DC to this school.

A bit bizarre really given there's quite a good number of black or mixed heritage footballers. I am aware of the school. They do like the celebrity families when they are black/ mixed heritage but most of them do not interact with black people at all.
It's sad how in 2022 private schools still lack diversity and inclusivity in the UK.

Thanks for the response.
With a little more digging and a taster day we noticed there are quite a lot of Asians and a couple of blacks but still very much a white school.
Where we are based there are not many private schools that have a large diverse body. We try to balance things outside of school.

Good luck whatever you choose OP. 🙂

@Mosmuma that boarding school link is such an eye opener, you can hardly believe things like that are happening, in this day and age.

Thank you!

Right! Absolute shocker!

You're welcome OP, good luck with everything.

The NW London/South Herts private schools have lots of ethnic minorities.

lots of Jews & South Asians. Plus a fair few West Africans

Thanks for the tip! I’m Surrey based so, that’s a little bit too far!

Ah sure. If you’re in east Surrey then you should be able to go for the Croydon schools, maybe Sevenoaks.

west Surrey, I know Epsom college is popular with international students

Agree, there will be quite a few other options in Surrey - depends where. ACS cobham and ACS Egham are also International and diverse.

@DM29 Hi OP, what did you decide in the end? I’m also based in Surrey and intend on sending my DC to an independent pre-prep. If you don’t mind, can I pm you to see if you know/ have experienced any of the schools we are considering?