Dealing with racial microaggressions from white male manager

[Quirkyme]

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a 'black woman in an advert' , but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about singers or music or anything related to said singer.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbean people look like.

He then went on to tell me he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

I would firstly tell him that he’s being inappropriate, and if he continues I would go to HR.

Write down where/when he says these things and who else is present.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s shit

This manager crossed a line, and was very rude when he stated that all black people look the same to him. It is not acceptable in any way, shape or form. I wonder if he thinks all white people look the same as well, some how I doubt he does. Do not allow this person to bring you down with constant microaggressions. Good advise from OnceuponaRainbow18.

What an ass.

It's the drip drip drip of this crap that gets really tiresome. Don't engage on the black stuff with him. Shut him down every time. This is wearing, but needs doing, otherwise he will never shut the hell up.

I couldn't put up with it day after day, but years of this stuff has me on a short fuse these days.

Are you in a union? Join one, even if there isn't one in your workplace, you are still entitled to representation. See it as an insurance policy you hope you never need to use.

Do you think he is trying to show you how "cool" he is? A bop on the head with a rubber chicken often sorts these idiots out, but perhaps not, if he is the manager.

Then you get the "only being friendly" shit. It's rare these idiots get a flash of insight ,and see how inappropriate they are.

This is when a colleague having a word can come in handy. Any chance of a word in his ear from a good work pal?

Definitely take notes as Rainbow suggests, (don't keep them in work)

I'd have to call him out next time he starts, in front of a reliable witness,

"Some of my friends are black".
Why do you need to tell me this Bob?
"What's your heritage"
I'm from Barnsley.
"Your real heritage"
"Barnsley. Why do you need to know Bob"
Stop engaging with him, keep replies polite and short as possible.

"I like Aretha Franklin"
Why are you telling me this Bob?

Personally, I'd have to smile through gritted teeth and say "Bob, knock it off with the constant black chat. Can we just get on with this work issue?"
If he doesn't get the message, then either HR needs to step in, or we are looking at what to do, in a more serious way.

Any work colleagues noticed it? Are you the only member of staff who is black? What is HR like?

My guess is he is trying to show you how "down with the hood" he is. It's wearing, I'm so sorry.
I hope that more black mumsnetters call in to talk about how they handle this crap.

I see same thread is in AIBU also.

@EchoNan

What an ass.

It's the drip drip drip of this crap that gets really tiresome. Don't engage on the black stuff with him. Shut him down every time. This is wearing, but needs doing, otherwise he will never shut the hell up.

I couldn't put up with it day after day, but years of this stuff has me on a short fuse these days.

Are you in a union? Join one, even if there isn't one in your workplace, you are still entitled to representation. See it as an insurance policy you hope you never need to use.

Do you think he is trying to show you how "cool" he is? A bop on the head with a rubber chicken often sorts these idiots out, but perhaps not, if he is the manager.

Then you get the "only being friendly" shit. It's rare these idiots get a flash of insight ,and see how inappropriate they are.

This is when a colleague having a word can come in handy. Any chance of a word in his ear from a good work pal?

Definitely take notes as Rainbow suggests, (don't keep them in work)

I'd have to call him out next time he starts, in front of a reliable witness,

"Some of my friends are black".
Why do you need to tell me this Bob?
"What's your heritage"
I'm from Barnsley.
"Your real heritage"
"Barnsley. Why do you need to know Bob"
Stop engaging with him, keep replies polite and short as possible.

"I like Aretha Franklin"
Why are you telling me this Bob?

Personally, I'd have to smile through gritted teeth and say "Bob, knock it off with the constant black chat. Can we just get on with this work issue?"
If he doesn't get the message, then either HR needs to step in, or we are looking at what to do, in a more serious way.

Any work colleagues noticed it? Are you the only member of staff who is black? What is HR like?

My guess is he is trying to show you how "down with the hood" he is. It's wearing, I'm so sorry.
I hope that more black mumsnetters call in to talk about how they handle this crap.

Hello, yes I'm the only black women on the team

It's sickening isn't it? I'm tempted to report it to be really honest.

I'm talking to his manager this week, for other things that have got really bad....

I spoke to another friend and she basically told me not to have a meeting at all with his manager's manager about anything because "he could make my life hell" .

As black women (friend is also) we are often told this, and then don't do anything and suffer in silence with this shit.
I'm not really that sort of person, hence why I have a meeting with his manager about concerns after having had no success when raising it with the manager who only efforts seem to be in the showing how down with "the culture" he is. It's vile.

It's difficult to give appropriate advice when not familiar with the set up.

Head down doesn't make it go away though does it?

I see tha AIBU thread refers to him as David Brent. I thought that too! FFS! Why do we have to put up with these plantpots?

Can I ask why are you going to his manager, rather than HR dealing with it? Is David Brent's manager likely to " get it"?

Also, do you have any relevant workplace policies? Have a look at your grievance procedure too. Always good to know your workplace policies inside out as the David Brent's of this world rarely have a clue.

Can his manager tell him to sit at his desk with his finger on his lips until home time?

@EchoNan

It's difficult to give appropriate advice when not familiar with the set up.

Head down doesn't make it go away though does it?

I see tha AIBU thread refers to him as David Brent. I thought that too! FFS! Why do we have to put up with these plantpots?

Can I ask why are you going to his manager, rather than HR dealing with it? Is David Brent's manager likely to " get it"?

Also, do you have any relevant workplace policies? Have a look at your grievance procedure too. Always good to know your workplace policies inside out as the David Brent's of this world rarely have a clue.

Can his manager tell him to sit at his desk with his finger on his lips until home time?

Hello, not sure if you can see my earlier threads unrelated to the racism.

Basically I'm going to his manager about separate concerns due to numerous meetings with my manager about lack of processes being followed which is having a huge detrimental impact on the ability for me to do my job. One particular colleague consistently is not doing her job, so it affects my role and is putting people at risk.

After numerous meetings with my manager, these things are continuing, and getting worse, thereby impacting my role- and my manager isn't doing much to take this seriously. Hence why ive gone to his manager.

You have done the right thing to take this higher.
Put politely your immediate manager sounds unprofessional and racist.
Put unpolitely he sounds like a dick.
Hope you get a good response from his manager.
Obviously keep a record of everything he says / does and copy in HR.

I've responded to your post in BMN not AIBU even though I'm white as I'm sick of all the racists there etc. hope that's ok

@Latera same old crap isn't it? Good advice re copying in HR

@Quirkyme With you now. I've caught up.
I'm really so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope this gets sorted by the higher manager. I'm sure there is a factory somewhere that turns these idiots out en masse.

Write everything down he says- day, time, witnesses. That will be your evidence.

@Quirkyme

Hi,

There's so much going on at work now.

In addition to those issues , my manager has been making racial comments.

So started in this team a few months prior and I noticed in my first team meeting that he kept referring to a 'black woman in an advert' , but her ethnicity had nothing to do with the point he was making about said advert.

Following that, every interaction after he would drop in the name of black singers he knew, despite the fact we weren't talking about singers or music or anything related to said singer.

These exchanges were via Teams.

Recently we had a team lunch, in person, he asked me my heritage - and when I said it, he said he "knew it" because we all "looked the same and have the same features". I was taken aback by this visibly , and said "oh wow okay"

I replied saying along the lines of "actually, a lot of people don't often guess correctly where I'm from, some have thought I'm from "insert different regions of Africa" or Caribbean", he then was taken aback and said "Caribbean?!' - as if he was some expert on what Caribbean people look like.

He then went on to tell me he has "black friends" and listed where all of them were from.

Wtf.

I'm literally waiting for him to tell me next that he has had "black girlfriends". It's weird as hell.

Has anyone dealt with this with management?

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

But this guy is my manager.
I'm tired of this.

This reads as if he's trying to mentally tick all of the diversity & inclusion boxes and clumsily trying to include you. But coming off as a racist idiot. I've met loads of them. They usually stop when you challenge them on their comments. I personally cannot be bothered to go to HR, my mouth is big enough to tell my colleague (I include managers in this description), if they are making inappropriate & offensive comments.

I've dealt with this before in the past with friends and white men who tried it on and I've very quickly nipped that in the bud, and left that there.

This is what stuck out for me from your op.

What do you say to shut down other people behaving like this, that you cannot say to your manager?

Every time he mentions the black singers or black actresses or black anything that is out of context, call him out on it. e.g:

I'd like to ask, what has xxxx got to do with what we're discussing??
His reply will be some waffle....
You respond, ok, so how is that relevant??
His reply will be more waffle.....
You just stay silent and let him figure it out...

Repeat each time....
Yes it's exhausting....and we shouldn't have to.

I would also ask if he's an expert in differentiating between Irish, Scottish and Welsh people? because if he's a racial features expert he really should start with the features of people from these three countries.

Anyway good luck. My advice might not suit your personality, but it has worked for me.