Black mothers

[bloodyhellwhyme]

I'm keen to find out whether as you've become mothers you've become closer to your own mum and/or admire her even more. Since becoming a mother, I have found the total opposite to be true, mostly down to having a completely different upbringing to my own mum. She is west African and as I was growing up, I did most of the housework and looked after my younger sisters. Now I'm an adult, im still expected to be the reliable one but hardly get any help from my mum. I have friends whose mums who are amazing grandmothers but mine is pretty rubbish if im honest. From a cultural perspective, I think she truly believes that her job raising children (me) is done and now it's my turn to look after her, even though it feels like I've been doing that my whole life! In all honesty, it is ruining our relationship as there is absolutely nothing I would like to aspire to from her which makes me sad.

My experience has been having an African mum but keen to hear from you who have Black mums from other places too.

I could have written your post. Since having children it has opened up some sores about my relationship with my mum and the enormous responsibility I had as a child. I did have a frank conversation with her about this a few years ago but she still somehow seems to think she was a good mother (despite my siblings also sharing my view).

I don't know how much of a cultural thing it is in my case as growing up in the Caribbean I had friends who didn't have the same experience as I had and who were not expected to mother their mother. However, I do know that there is a common expectation that children will take care of their parents in old age.

It really does suck and I wish it were different. I have to be very careful not to overcompensate with my own children and not feel bad about giving them responsibility etc.

Thanks @Maggiethecat
In a way its helpful to hear that other women have experienced similar. A lot of my friends from the Carribean have mums who are totally different to mine! They don't seem to have the same expectations on them despite being the eldest child. In some parts of Africa its like regardless of your situation as an adult you are now supposed to be a mother to your mum, often financially, emotionally and physically, just because you were born first. Meanwhile, on my end it feels as though my mum literally doesn't lift a finger to help me in anyway, unless she is forced to.

Hi op. West African parents here too. Mother was absent all my childhood emotionally/ practically/ financially- Zilch! but still expects that now I am working I should be looking after her. Financially - I find it hard to get my head around. Not grateful for what she does receive from me but rather expects and feels entitled to more. She was a professional and since retiring has pension and own home so not like she is selling ice water in the village.

I agree that my Caribbean friends have a very different relationship with their mothers. They seem more loving and very warm to their grandchildren even if things were difficult growing up.

@Denzelstowel ice water in the village! that mad me chuckle! hahahaa

My mum tried to hint about me giving her money in her old age but i respectfully shut that down. I think the idea of providing for your parents in their old age and then paying full costs for funeral/burial back home does not help the social mobility issues that many of us lack in the Black community. I tried to explain that if i used all my savings to my for her old age and funeral then how would I ever be able to afford a house or pass anything down to my own children!

I find w African mothers very loving and kind. My MIL gave up her job to look after her grandchildren. She cooks for the family etc. They aren't my blood family though so things might not be as it seems.

My british Caribbean mum did over compensate. I had very few responsibilities growing up, my parents just said Do Your Work. I did and I excelled. My mum is fairly frail now, so I spend a lot of time and energy on her, but even in her state she begs me to bring the children over. My mum says my gran (her mum) was zero help, instead taking monthly rent from her even when she had me at 19, very little baby sitting etc. But then my gran was only just 40 and remarried to a nice man, my maternal grandfather being awful and abusive. I get the impression my gran who started having kids at 15 just wanted to live her life a little. My mum is still resentful. But get this, my gran is in her 80s and she has my kids all the time! Sleepovers and everything. So your mums might yet offer help and turn it around, if not with you, for your children.

My mums not perfect. When I see those imperfections I try to think about what has brought her to that place. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but it helps me accept and separate the behaviour from the person so I can still love her unimpeded!!! It's a journey though.

My mum is from the Caribbean, I’m the eldest girl of five and growing up I was expected to be second mum around the house. When I had my first child I expected mum to help, she did a little but it was reluctant and I felt I had to beg for her help. My mum would say I was a big woman now and didn’t need her anymore. It caused some tension between us and I would stop asking for help but was very hurt by her distance me and my children. In the last year she has been around more and due to some recent family incidents she has helped me immensely and as a result she has built a good relationship with my children. It’s lovely to see. I found I have been asking her for what I need instead of assuming she knows what I need and I find we are then having a conversation about what I am struggling with, we have been able to get back to that mother and daughter dynamic.

I understand that the west African family culture is different, but OP, have you tried taking to your mum and asking her directly for the help you need?

@Supamum3 I defnitely can relate to the first part of your post! pretty much word for word!

I have asked directly for the support I need but she will literally do the bare minimum asked of her and not do it again. So it ends with me needed to ask the same thing all the time and in the end I just don't bother. She seems to lack initiative, whether it's cooking a meal when I come to visit or buying a pack of nappies when she comes to visit me or offering to babysit for an hour or two...or even coming round to mine to just catch up. I have to tell her to do everything and it gets tiring. You mentioned the mother daughter dynamic, i feel we don't have that because im the one left in charge of everything, so almost like i am/was a mother to my younger siblings and now i have almost mother my own mum! It's tiring!

@Jamdown123 Your gran having the children over for sleepovers sounds amazing! Even in her 80s sounds like she still has a lot of love to give. That's sweet.

Yes. My mum thinks she's trying to make up for being a fat lot of good in the 80s.

I do think there is value in looking to how mothers who are distanced, not invested in motherhood / grandparenthood have arrived there. It doesn't help practically, no. And it's the practical that we need. When you know your own mother bloody well knows that, it's a hard pill to swallow that's she is not behaving as much.

I think this kind of thing happens in organisations. A culture of the young ones having to pay their dues, or rites of passage, 'it was this way for me, now its your turn'. Hopefully you will break that cycle. There's not much more you can do.

Very very tough. I'm not giving armchair advice, please don't take it that way, I'm kinda channeling from my own mums experience xx

Thanks @Jamdown123 😊

"My mums not perfect. When I see those imperfections I try to think about what has brought her to that place. It doesn't excuse the behaviour, but it helps me accept and separate the behaviour from the person so I can still love her unimpeded!!! It's a journey though"

@Jamdown123 - from your post - I think this is the key really - separating the behaviour from the person.

I hope you don’t mind me posting as it’s not my
Mother but DHs parents are exactly like this. DH is the eldest of 5 and was expected to father and mother his siblings from a young age. He is now expected to look after them all as adults and his parents but since having our own family, he now wants their support to help us but it’s not forthcoming. DH says he is disappointed but feels it’s worse for the DC. ILs are loving and kind but they don’t help with any childcare, don’t play with the DC, don’t have any food ready when DC visit, didn’t help us when DC were newborn, hardly visit us and expect us to go to them etc so this has sadly affected DCs relationship with them as they see them less and when they do, it’s not quality time. They don’t know DC as well as they don’t ask what they are up to etc. ILs always say it’s culture and DH is expected to care for them emotionally/financially even when though they are capable themselves

Sorry I forgot to add it’s West African culture

My mother in law (from Caribbean) has helped us loads with our children. My own mother (european) never has. My mother in law was at the birth for my youngest. She once uprooted her life to come and stay with us when our childcare fell through. She lived with us for 6 months. She is older now so we wouldn't ask her for help anymore really, although if we are at hers we can leave ds1 with her as he is older and looks after himself. She is the backbone of our family and I don't know what we would do without her. She relies on us for practical, financial and emotional support and I am happy with this. Its the least we can do with everything she has done for us. Dh's other siblings provide more practical support than we do as we live further away so we try to compensate for this by taking on more of the financial stuff to even things out.

@Fretfulmum

Sorry I forgot to add it’s West African culture

No it's shitty people.

I think she meant in her case her MIL is from West African culture?

OP, I have read similar posts and worse from general Mumsnet so I don't think it's a black mums thing.
My own mother wasn't/isn't perfect either but she's great with grandkids. Loves taking care of them. singing with them playing etc. She can over advise though. Good advice but it can get too much sometimes. I think that comes from experiencing very few opportunities and knowing that one slip can land you in serious trouble:no safety nets in my country.
I realise my older sisters did take on caretaker/mum roles early in their lives. That was a combination of culture/time, economic circumstances, and that lack of safety nets (economic and social). Not because she or my dad were bad parents. There is definitely a generational and cultural gap that can be difficult at times. Am Southern African

My mum (west African ) loves to help me with the kids. In some ways she tries to overcompensate for not being the best mum.

I don't think your experience is unique to African mums though.

I'm sorry you're not getting the help you need from your mum

Thanks for the comments everyone, interesting to read about other people's experiences. Definitely not an issue reserved for West African mothers, I think the thing about being the eldest (Ada in Igbo) has really impacted me.