Not liking my son because he is mixed race

[NLisa]

Goodmorning lovely ladies,

I need some outside perspective because I am fuming and I don’t want to do anything stupid.

My sister (same mother) has a brother (same father). His son and my son are best friends, they are both 9 and talk to each other on the phone daily. Tend to meet up at my sisters house for weekend sleepovers etc. I am not close with brother and his wife but I see him at family/ social gatherings of my sisters. So we do know each other and I have been to their house to pick up my son after a play date.

Brother and his wife are going trough a messy divorce and yesterday I was informed brother doesn’t like to have my son around his son. And has been actively trying to keep them apart but his wife always stood up for my son.

The wife told me this (she called me after she realised our son’s weren’t talking as much as they used to. And she wanted to reassure me that the divorce does not mean they have to stop contact) my first thought was that she was trying to manipulate me to be on her side.

But when I called my sister to discuss this she told me it’s probably true and the reason for her brother not liking my son is because his dad is white. He sees me as a sellout and if it was up to him he would have nothing to do with us.

This man sat at our table at Christmas, I left my son in his house and our children are best friends. I had no idea this is how he really felt. ( his son is very gentle, not really sporty and more artsy/ gaming) my son is the opposite he is big strong taller than average very sporty but also into gaming and they just click. The father is always making comments about how he wishes he son was more like mine ( tougher, more sporty)

My first instinct is to give this man a piece of my mind. Make sure he is excluded from family gatherings. But I don’t want to put my sister in a impossible situation. Even though she told me she will break contact with him over this. It’s still her brother.

But I am not sure I could be in the same room with him again without wanting to curse him out.

Please help, and give me some advice how to deal with this.

So, he is not your brother, but he is your sister's brother?
So not a blood relation to yourself?
It's all a bit second hand, family dynamics often get in the way of what's really happening. From what you say, you don't seem to have had this vibe from him directly.

I'd speak to him directly, a bit of straight talking. I wouldn't quote the sources of who said what to you. Just tell him it's been said to you. You aren't prepared to discuss who said it but is it true?

See what he has to say for himself one to one, not through a third person. If it's true, and he says it himself to you, then that's time to go nuclear.

I'm really sorry, it must be so hurtful to hear that, but check it out first one to one with him.

I agree. Don't take "he said she said' and run with it, if you're going to react or do something about it. You'd need to get it from him, then do what you want to do.

From what you said, if he's really someone who thinks a person is a 'sellout' just for being with a white person (does he think this about black men who're with white women too, or is it just bwwm relationships?) and someone who prefers a sporty boy (boys should be "boys" - all tough, big and strong, roooaar?) to a 'gentle', non-sporty one who has other great qualities, then he doesn't sound like someone I would want my own child around. No fights or arguments or anything, just wary of his prejudiced and sexist values and beliefs rubbing off.

IF it's true he's a dick with weird outdated views that'll see him left behind while the world progresses. IF it's true give him a piece of your mind then be thankful you never have to breathe the same air as him again and not expose your child to his toxicity.

@BlackandGreen
Yes, he is no blood relation to me.

I haven’t interacted with him much to be fair. But I understand what you mean. I will try to have a conversation with him about it.

Yes he has very outdated views and has a “street” mentality. Growing up in a underprivileged area thinking the world is against him because he is black.

That’s part of the reason I don’t interact much with him seeing I don’t like that view. But I respected him as my sisters brother. And just thought he had a different upbringing from mine.

Well I am afraid of a few things:

1. He might lie ( part of me will always wonder)
2. If true and I cut him out my son looses his best friend
3. My sister wil loose het brother and her nephew.

How would we be able to come out of this without my son and sister and of course the other little boy who is having a hard time with the divorce already being hurt.

If you confront him I'd do it face to face to judge his reaction more than what comes out his mouth. If you still feel uneasy about it make up a reason to host playdates at yours but monitor it as you don't know if he'd be filling his poor child's head with his nonsense.

Yeah,

I think his behaviour is terrible - discriminating against a child because of ethnicity will forever be a no no in my opinion.

I am wondering about his perspective.

He might be on to something when it comes to thinking white people as a group aren't altogether supportive of him, his family and his life. That he has aimed this at your partner is hurtful. If he is going around impacting random white people's lives because of this, that's out of line completely. If he wants to reduce white people's presence in his in general, I can see how that might be protective for him. By extension, he might not want expose his son to white people's prejudice. For sure, white people with black partners can be prejudice. I've also been subject to colorise by mixed race peers too, in my own childhood. Maybe he isn't handling this risk very well?

I'm not saying he is right in this when he thinks about your partner and I am saying he is definitely wrong in discriminating against your son.

When it comes to you, I don't know what he has observed, or heard, why he might think about you as a 'sell out'. Is it solely because you have a white partner? Does he have ideas about black men / women who choose white partners from experience? For sure he is wrong in blanket transference to all black individuals who choose this path.

I'm not defending him at all. I just want to put out there that he might have had experiences or real fears about exposing his children to a mixed race family / white partner.

Hmmm...ate Christmas dinner at your house...no issue then? Or do his views not matter to him with a mouthful of turkey and wine.
Are your lives very different? How does your upbringing or opportunities compare to his? Sometimes with step/ half siblings if one group haven't been afforded the same lifestyle or relationships there can be jealousy and bitterness. This of course is down to the parents and absolutely nothing to do with the children involved, but that can get lost in the haze. He compares your child to his in favour of your child.
Is this some underlying resentment and the race thing is a red herring?

To just answer a few questions:

• I am no longer together with my child’s father we got divorced a few years back.
• I am very much aware of white peoples prejudice and I am very vocal about it.
• our lives are different yes, but too be honest I never pay any attention to it. Seeing the frequency of our interactions. I think the biggest difference in my eyes is that my family is really close (monthly family dinner, yearly holiday together etc) and his family is not. That has been the reason for my family to invite him into ours. So maybe it’s a jealousy thing? And to the outside world I seem posh. Private school, working in banking, fancy holidays etc but again not something I discuss with him. It’s just the way my life enfolded.
• yes he keeps mentioning to my sister he would like his son to be tougher, stronger sportier like my son. Because he would need that out on the “street”. But he lives in a nice area where this kind of mentality is not necessary.

And people sometimes “joke” about me being white from the inside because I enjoy things in life they perceive as things white people enjoy. I tend to brush it of because it’s probably just ignorance/ jealousy.

OP stop giving this guy head space and don't bother trying to understand him. The way myself and siblings -full, half and step - cope with ones we don't like that much is be polite to them and make superficial talk with them.

Those with prejudicial views frequently out themselves at such events and get taken to task by other family members, without you having to say anything.

Your sons are now at the point in their lives where their peers are more important to them than their parents. So if your step-nephew is living with his mum your child and his friendship will continue.

If they're divorcing then your son's contact with his friend will likely be through the mother, since she has indicated that she doesnt want the boys' relationship to be affected. So I think the only one to lose out will be the brother: his stbx wife doesn't support his views, his sister is prepared to cut him off over this. So in a way you could do nothing and still retain your advantage.

Well it's looking like you aren't going to be seeing much of him really.

I agree with RedWingboots and WildBactrian.
Polite, but arms length. Not really worth the hassle is it, given the update?

As to the other remarks, bizarre. I'm sure you aren't given to boasting about stuff to those not as lucky in life

So, let's face it, some people just talk crap, regardless of skin colour. Don't engage, is the easiest solution to that.

I hope that the two lads keep their friendship.

We all carry racial burdens and hurt but we can't take it out on innocent kids who in this case will likely face racism anyway. He also sounds like he has some toxic masculinity going on, wanting his son to be "tougher and sporty". There is nothing wrong with a softer, gentler and artsy man. Your son can maintain his friend via mum after the divorce

Your sisters brother is a racist.
I hope that you can ensure that your son and his cousin can remain close.

I'd stay out of it. If you said anything, you'd risk ending up as a pig in the middle in the brother's messy divorce.

The two lads are old enough to be friends with or without their parents' involvement.

@FlowerArranger unfortunately at 9 in the UK they aren't.

Once they are secondary age then their parents will have a fight on their hands to prevent them hanging out with one another.