Considering career / time with children

[Jamdown123]

Hi All,

I'm posting for myself. I've spoken to friends and family and they support me. But I want the views of others because I might be living in that echo chamber with everyone consensually validating me because we re alike, essentially.

I'm at the 40 year old stage. I'm not going to have any more children, I have a few under 6 years old, and I am not planning on any more because I think I am the limit in terms of the focus, engagement and investment I can give them. If I have more I think I will spread myself thin. I love my children, probably more than I thought I would. Or - no - actually, I like them more than I thought I would, I always knew I'd love them ridiculously. But I honestly think they are cool! Lockdown showed me that I want to be around them more than I was when working 8-6, only getting the tail end of their midweek days. I didn't see them enough. In lock down I grew with them more and go to know them more. I want to work but I want to be around my kids more, past a certain extent, because my job is important to me too.

I work in the caring professions clinically and I see I am making a difference which appeals to my sense of values, too.

The thing is I am at the stage now with my skillset and experience where I could knuckle down and make more money. Low six figures per annum, I'm not talking millions here (I'm not that interested in money anyway). But more money would mean that middle class dream detached double fronted house with a big garden and expensive holiday each year, and a decent. that sounds materialistic, but it's wrapped un in my idea of what I want to give my kids, too.

But I would sacrifice seeing my children as much as I love to. I can't put price on that. I am exploring passive income and setting that up.

But I just want to hear from women / parents who have been where I am now, what you did and how it worked out for you.

I have to tell you I am thinking about tempering my ambitions and spending the time with the children. In ten years they will be well into teens and I'll be looking around the house lonely, then I'll have lots more time?

I should say, this isn the context of my partner putting his foot on the gas rather than backing off, so apart from weekends, I am really the parent the children see (partner travels a lot for work too).

Partner putting foot on gas with work that should say. And above, I meant decent car!

My youngest has just gone to uni. I'm 48. I wish I had had a proper career. My job is very fulfilling, but I'm getting old and actually, I want to retire or at least reduce my hours. I can't afford to do that.
So whatever you do, factor in savings and retirement. Once my boys got to early teens, I hardly saw them anyway!

Thank you.

That's what I mean. These years until teens are so precious, I don't want to miss a thing.

I'm not a parent but I'm surrounded by friends & relatives that have several children.

Unless you can figure out how to spend the time with your kids & do the career progression part-time.

My advice is to take the time now to spend with your kids because they grow so quickly and you cannot get this time back.

You can do the career thing later. It won't be too late because you've made a good head start - realistically most of us will be working until we're 70.

I would do the career thing now. Putting a career off is something you may not get round to doing OP.

Most of us have mum guilt.

I will say go for it until you don't have to anymore.
Keep your self as involved in your career as you can as it gives you more options. I usually stay only a few years in jobs as I chase better opportunities and higher salaries. I have a tween and a teen. The pandemic has been an opportunity to step back as I wait for my children to master new stages in their lives and become more independent. I have stayed in a role longer than usual because of this.

If your childcare provision is sound and you can stretch a little at work, do so. It will challenge you and help you grow.
At the same time, when you need the time off (maybe too much happening in your domestic life) be brave enough to do so as well. There is unpaid parental leave for each child under 18. You can take up to 4 weeks per year or so

I think we all feel guilty but the kids are fine with it. You will provide them with an excellent role model and a wonderful lifestyle with the best of experiences. As they grow up and need you less you will wish you had gone for the career. That said there is a balance and all work and no kids makes for not a happy life but in your situation I would have no questions, you have evenings, you have weekends, you have holidays - you will be present - go for it you may never get the chance again.

Honestly what will you look back on in 1/5/10/20 years and regret more- spending more time with your kids or more time at work?

Thanks all.

There are a few comments about guilt. I understand that, but that is not what this is. At least I don't think it is. I think both ways will be great for the children:

I work more , they have more money and that means more life options for them down the road if I am smart and don't whittle it away. So, I wouldn't feel guilty about that.

Of course having me around and not someone who is only truly there because they are being paid (a nanny). I could quite literally give my children to my parents everyday (they live reasonably close) so they'd be around truly loving people, but it's that I sincerely want to be around them.

So, I don't believe it is guilt. I noticed that I'd collect them from after school club / nursery, get them in the door for 1830. Have them eat dinner by 1915. Bathe them. Book, bed. Hardly spoken to them. Over lockdown I learned so much about them, so quickly.

I don't want that back. They are good at school , the social side, the different ways of learning, I like working, I like that they see me working etc etc. I just have this dilemma now. I' not the main breadwinner, and though my relationship is wobbly right now, I know their dad works for them, too. So my money isn't central. But I do keep in mind that some relationships do end, maybe mine will. Even then, I love being with them everyday.

I would almost prefer working shorter weekday hours and catching up with a few working hours at the weekend, than seeing them very little during the week and then all weekend (when I share them with their dad and other family members anyway).

Maybe I'm strange?! But yes, it isn't guilt I don't think.

I found my children needed me more in their teenage years. I dialled right back on working hours for a time then, and picked it up again later. I dont regret it. I have a fantastic relationship with my now adult kids, and they are doing very well

Is part time an option? Or consultancy/freelancing? I've had colleagues go freelance so they can choose not to take on projects over the summer holidays. I'm not a parent, but I have an amazing mum who was really career driven. I'm so proud of her, but at the same time I do think I would've benefitted from having her around more and I think she also feels that with the benefit of hindsight.

I think it depends on your kids as well - if they're fairly confident then they may cope better with childcare. I also think there's an argument for being around more when they're teens to support them through exams etc and when they can really get into trouble.

I'd say if you're working full time and earning well then to outsource as much as possible - cleaner, ironing help etc so you can enjoy the time you have together and make sure you're not too stressed.

Factor in the menopause in terms of putting your foot back on the gas in 10 years. You may not feel able, or at least able to sustain it.

I think you've just got to go with your heart. How would you feel if you didn't give your career the kick it needed and then in 5 or 10 years time realise you missed the boat? Ageism is alive and well. Don't bank on being able to pick your career up later. Slow and steady does not always win the race.

I think I have internalised the rat race. I am the perpetual over-achiever. So contemplating not putting work / career first feels strange. I am not yet where I want be financially, but I'll survive quite well without it, which is a blessing I do not overlook. It would just mean putting off those thrills (mainly I had planned on moving to that forever home type house in about five years). But when I look around I see other women who are either SAHM (with a partner working like the clappers OR they are not working and claiming, both types seem very content to be honest). I am neither, I want to work for me and to have my own money. Then there is the woman who works quite long hours and makes a lot of money, but I just don't think they see their kids nearly as much as I see mine and I would like to keep this up. They have more of those thrills though, which I look at and would love and how is achievable if I put more hours in.

So it is, not exactly an envy thing, but I am looking around at what other people are doing and wondering whether their model is better for me - either step back now and be content, or push up a gear?

@ZenNudist

I think you've just got to go with your heart. How would you feel if you didn't give your career the kick it needed and then in 5 or 10 years time realise you missed the boat? Ageism is alive and well. Don't bank on being able to pick your career up later. Slow and steady does not always win the race.

I should say, I work for a huge organisation and I am not really very ambitious as an employee. I'm Jamaican and have all types of notions about Babylon in my head which will never shift!!!! My ambitions lie in self-employment, so it's not exactly that I'll miss the boat in my career in terms of a career ladder.

Noted re ageism, though in my line of work you are taken more seriously the older one gets. Younger people are regarded with a dose of suspicion.

@someofusdontknowwhy

Factor in the menopause in terms of putting your foot back on the gas in 10 years. You may not feel able, or at least able to sustain it.

Excellent point I had not thought about re menopause.

It doesn't escape me that my thinking how I am thinking is also physiological / stage of life, too. I used to relish working all hours, now, not really. I'm not sure whether I would be like this is I had kids or not, of course, all hypothetical now. But I do know it's not just that I feel I am giving to my kids, but I am also getting something very valuable from spending time with them. Maybe it's a long steady dose of oxytocin that never quite wore off???!!! Gosh, I do hope no one from the Daily Mail is reading this, I can see the crappy headline already....

@PompomDahlia

Is part time an option? Or consultancy/freelancing? I've had colleagues go freelance so they can choose not to take on projects over the summer holidays. I'm not a parent, but I have an amazing mum who was really career driven. I'm so proud of her, but at the same time I do think I would've benefitted from having her around more and I think she also feels that with the benefit of hindsight.

I think it depends on your kids as well - if they're fairly confident then they may cope better with childcare. I also think there's an argument for being around more when they're teens to support them through exams etc and when they can really get into trouble.

I'd say if you're working full time and earning well then to outsource as much as possible - cleaner, ironing help etc so you can enjoy the time you have together and make sure you're not too stressed.

Consultancy is exactly where I am going with this. I'm certainly over working for The Man.

But you are right, I hadn't thought about it in terms of term-time working. With consultancy I could literally stop them (in theory, anyway).

Anyone on here faced these conundrums and if so, what did you do?