Advice on how to explain colourism to my DD

[simonelac]

My mixed race daughter was told by a black school friend that she (my DD) was basically white. DD (11) was very upset about this and more than a little angry. I understand her anger but also have sympathy for where her friend was coming from (though didn't have the words and experience to express perhaps): there is no doubt that darker skin people experience more racism than lighter skinned people. However DD has experienced racism herself so she is furious about having her experiences of racism erased. I want to help mend what is a growing rift between them, as only a handful of people of colour in the school I wish they could shore up and support each other, but my explanations are so far proving too wordy and are coming across as lectures that DD won't listen to. Any advice/tips/similar experiences?

I don't think that is what colourism. You have to make your daughter understand they are both black and white. My dd who is younger than 11 understands this and understands they are both.

The context matter. I think you could start by explaining how she sees things in the media. Explain why it's that away and see what she understands. That little mix video about race is mild and easy gor 11yr olds to digest.

Kids her age would have come across a lot of colourism already. But saying somone is white when they are isn't colourism unless it was said with malice or after an incident.

Thanks for your reply. Sorry I didn't explain correctly - Like you, I don't think my daughter experienced colourism, I meant that darker skin people (like her friend) experience colourism and I want to find a way for my DD to understand that.

What you described isn't colourism.

Point it out to her briefly when you see it. Mention the different standards for black men and women. Also let her argue with you, and don't state whether you are right or wrong as the idea is to get her to notice.

Lots of adverts now have mixed ethnicity families however there are some anomalies in the families. For example they rarely have a dark skinned black woman instead they have a lighter skinned black/mixed ethnicity woman with a white man and the children are exactly the same skin shade as the woman. Simply mention it is odd that all the children are exactly the same skin shade as the mother.

If you use social media and follow black women for hair, fashion, etc mention that x has less followers than y even though x and y content are equal and you think it is because x is darker skinned.

If you are watching a music video then mention the lack of dark skinned black women if there are black women in it but lots of dark skinned black man.

etc

Thank you RedMarauder, excellent suggestions.

I have a child who when having to choose black or white on a form chose other and specified GREY.

@Esspee That's brilliant!

I would explaine to her they way you would to a white person. However, her understanding might be slightly better..

Re-hair and social media. C3 and below dominate youtube, Instagram and ticktock for natural hair care most put them under c4 hair. I hope they are not in those spaces yet but if they are, they would have noticed social media differences when it comes to influence..

Thanks, @debbrianna Unfortunately we let her get a phone as it was the only way to keep in touch with her friends during lockdown, and she was isolated enough. The deal is that I get to see what she is watching and monitor her use, so there are lots of opps for me to point out differences, which I will do.

I think you've had some good advice here OP.

Its also worth baring in mind that as a mixed race person there will always be people like her classmate who see her as too much of one, or not enough of the other. I had a similar awakening at a similar age and it is fairly heartbreaking to realise a friend you think "gets you" is no different to the other idiots who just see the colour of your skin.

I don't know the root of the argument but for me its not helpful to force friendships with people who undermine you because of some perceived superficial similarity.

I hear you @TheWeeDonkey

Yes, you're right I must be careful not to force friendship. I do want my DD to understand the light-skin privilege she has as well and why her friend might have told her that she was "white". I guess if I explain, but back off trying to get them to be friends. It's sad because they're just kids trying to navigate the racialisation (is that a word?) that has been foisted on us.

This may help you understand your daughter's friend. It would also help her to realise we may be in the same boat but we're not all fighting equal battles. I don't know why she was upset unless her friend was being nasty when she said it rather than pointing something obvious out. Colourism affects Black women and other dark-skinned (actual brown and deep brown skin, not dark beige, tan and olive skin that some people call darkskinned or brown) women all over the world. When it affects others who aren't dark-skinned, it's usually in comparison to white/pale skin people but for the dark skinned women (usually women), everyone and their mum looks down on them.

aninjusticemag.com/abolish-the-one-drop-rule-9b4acb380832

This too.

www.google.com/amp/s/inews.co.uk/opinion/colourism-darker-skinned-people-treated-differently-psychological-impact-581141/amp

aninjusticemag.com/abolish-the-one-drop-rule-9b4acb380832

Anyone who doesn't think they're perpetuating racism by calling a mixed race/biracial person Black, read up on Jim Crow ant one drop rule. It's not about "identifying" as anything or calling yourself what you want. You're knowingly or unknowingly upholding a racist structure.

Sorry this last post was for a different thread.

Thank you @TheOneDropRuleIsRacist.

My DD was upset as it was said in an unkind way, to stop my DD expressing her views about the racism in our town. My DD was called the 'n' word for the first time when she was 2 (by 2 slightly older boys - 5ish - who tried to stop her using the slide in the playground). (My DH 'protected' DD but couldn't find the boys' parents to speak to.)

DD has experienced enough racism since to feel entitled to speak about it but her school friend disagreed, saying DD was basically white so doesn't know anything about 'real' racism.

I do accept that dark skinned people (especially women) have it even worse, and will read that article you linked to.

My DD was upset as it was said in an unkind way, to stop my DD expressing her views about the racism in our town.

I'm sorry about this (and the rest of your post). No this isn't right. She should speak about what she's experienced. Her experience is her own and shouldn't be shut down for being mixed race and shouldn't be made to feel like she hasn't experienced racism either. We all do. Her friend was wrong there.

Both very interesting reads @TheOneDropRuleIsRacist

@simonelac This is a very painful topic that I dread having with my son who goes to a predominantly white preschool (we are South Asian). At the moment the colour of his skin does not matter but no doubt soon it will I believe. Your poor daughter does have a right to be angry and it is not fair on her to have her experiences shut down by another child just because she is a lighter skin tone but at the same time you have acknowledged exactly why the other child would say this as do I. Black women and girls are always suffering a trillion times more on their blackness in comparison to black men and I am sure your daughter’s friend has been witnessing and experiencing this at a very young age which has made her doubly angry and upset. Poor baby it makes me boil in anger that a beautiful child should be made to feel like this by society so young.

Thank you for the solidarity @KayT1 It is a worry and so sad that you have to start worrying when your son is still so young. I think there are reasons to be optimistic - the conversations are much more open and we have more white allies than we used to. When I was at school, my brother and I just "took" it, but the younger generations are speaking out and fighting back more than we did. And the idea of my school even having an anti-racism policy would have been laughable then...