Where and how to relocate? *trigger warning: SA mention

[CroutonsCroutons]

Hi
I have wanted to relocate the family for around 6yrs now.
I'm mixed race, married to a white man, with 3 kids, one who is asd. I have no family in this country. DH has family locally who we don't really see often.
I have lived in this town for 25 years. I moved here from outside the UK as a kid. It was a culture shock and I have always felt the outsider. Never experienced racism til I moved here and it really affected me as a kid.
It is a very insular community. I deal with microaggressions on the daily, including at work, which has impacted my mental health and social circles. My toddler was subjected to some dehumanising language regarding their skin lately, in a space we should have felt safe, which has spiralled me into more anxiety.
Growing up here as the token family, i found difficult and I realised I have really shrunk and adapted to fit in to this community, to the detriment of my identity. I don't want the same for my kids.
I have friends here but not necessarily a community. DH doesn't have friends here really. It's predominantly a monoethnic area. I feel quite isolated and unhappy here. Eg: it's 3am and I can't sleep for being anxious and down about it. To add to it, I experienced numerous sexual assaults here as a minor so I have ptsd. I need a fresh start but it has to be right for everyone.
I know the grass isn't always greener but I am trying to work on DH to relocate as I don't know how much more I can take here. Ideally I'd move to a cave in the middle of nowhere and spend the rest of my life as a hermit but as a family, and for my kids I want a more liberal, multicultural area, good support for SEN families, preferably north of the Midlands.
We have obviously discussed areas we could go to but does anyone have any experience in making a move like this for similar reasons and where did you go to? How did you decide? And did you secure the job and then the home?
DH work is transferable and I could find a job in my field in time. Ta for reading this far.

The thing is ... Achieving the sort of life you naturally want for yourself and your family is going to take quite a bit of time if you move to somewhere with which none of you have any connection.

You don’t mention any towns or regions you’re particularly fond of, so it’s not clear how much you’ve travelled around the country (for work or on holiday, perhaps).

Work and schools are likely to be the things that focus your thinking. Where would be the best places for you both to work? Do any of your children have particular talents or needs that might be best served in a particular place?

Honestly, I’d try to establish some sort of connection with a place - for a sustainable reason, and base your decision on that. Otherwise, once you’ve moved you’ll probably feel isolated and adrift.

What are your husbands thoughts on moving?

Thank you for this.
We have travelled relatively extensively in the north of the UK for leisure. In our chats we have based our potential locations on the cities we know we have liked. We like Leeds, Edinburgh, Mancs. So a town with good links to one of these.
We have one child with ASD so a good support for them; school, hospital, leisure is the main need we have as a family.
Work wise; my DH can transfer teams easily in his job and mine would take a little longer although in theory, if there was an opening I could also transfer.
Your point is a good one about the time it'd take to feel connected.
I think I'm so triggered by where we are and now its been 6years of waiting to move, I'm in flight mode and just want to leave ASAP.
I suppose the next job then would be revisiting these areas/cities and looking at the SEN provision?
Thank you

@CroutonsCroutons

Thank you for this. We have travelled relatively extensively in the north of the UK for leisure. In our chats we have based our potential locations on the cities we know we have liked. We like Leeds, Edinburgh, Mancs. So a town with good links to one of these. We have one child with ASD so a good support for them; school, hospital, leisure is the main need we have as a family. Work wise; my DH can transfer teams easily in his job and mine would take a little longer although in theory, if there was an opening I could also transfer. Your point is a good one about the time it'd take to feel connected. I think I'm so triggered by where we are and now its been 6years of waiting to move, I'm in flight mode and just want to leave ASAP. I suppose the next job then would be revisiting these areas/cities and looking at the SEN provision? Thank you

Just want to express sympathy for SA as a minor. I was assaulted somewhere miles from home and the one or two times I've been back it's been months since I've felt at all 'me' again.

My ex is mixed race and weirdly there were more micro aggressions and open fuckwittery when we moved to a large ethnically diverse city. (Where he grew up). In the end I moved back to the SE to a semi rural area which is monoethnic but where I had a load of connections and friends so it was a good move. My ex has also stayed here and chosen not to go back to his home city.

So just echoing what the pp said about network. It's where you know there's going to be a friendly face, if you need one.

Sending you

What region are you currently living in?

He has been resistant until this year and is warming more to the idea. His reasoning is obviously different to mine but now he is in a role in a company where he can easily relocate that practical worry has gone. He doesn't have a friendship circle that he goes out with so there's no connections to lose there but he does have family here, however that is a strange relationship and in recent years we have really struggled with them and we don't really see them often.
He is naturally cautious about making the right next move which is sensible.

Thank you, that's a really good insight about being more comfortable where you are now.
I suppose we don't have any friendly faces elsewhere in the UK because we schooled here, work here, live here so wherever we went it would be totally from scratch. Which is part of the allure but also, daunting.
Maybe there are some social media groups for this sort of thing, to meet people and ask questions. As I say aside from wanting more diversity, we need a good SEN network for DC1.
It can't be a rush decision either way. I know it might take another year or two to get sorted.

Thank you. I'm sorry you empathise. I took the kids on holiday to a different place I was assaulted once, and I was on edge for ages after. It sticks.

We are in Midlands at the moment.

@CroutonsCroutons

Thank you, that's a really good insight about being more comfortable where you are now. I suppose we don't have any friendly faces elsewhere in the UK because we schooled here, work here, live here so wherever we went it would be totally from scratch. Which is part of the allure but also, daunting. Maybe there are some social media groups for this sort of thing, to meet people and ask questions. As I say aside from wanting more diversity, we need a good SEN network for DC1. It can't be a rush decision either way. I know it might take another year or two to get sorted.

Thank you. I'm sorry you empathise. I took the kids on holiday to a different place I was assaulted once, and I was on edge for ages after. It sticks.

We are in Midlands at the moment.

You too

The place where you live now sounds like where I used to live in the Midlands. I wonder if we're referring to the same place?

My vote would go to Leeds. Still northern but big enough to find a community to slot into and have decent SEN provision compared to smaller towns in the area.

I hope you find somewhere. I can't recommend enough the value of a fresh start somewhere. Good luck

It might well be. But its too small a town to say without outing!
Although I suspect there are lots of little towns and villages like ours.
Thank you for that. We really like Leeds and actually I forgot, we do have a friendly face around 30mins away from the centre. I just feel if we stay here my mental health will be worse and I'll retreat more into being reclusive, which is what I am doing. But I don't want to be selfish; it needs to be right for everyone

Okay ... Setting aside needs - what are your interests, individually and as a family? What do you like to do at weekends? Do you want to be close to countryside or coast - or would you prioritise galleries and theatres, concert halls, or any sort of child focused organisation?

I do worry that with no close family, you’re going to want to build a support network fairly rapidly. A place with one friend already in residence is helpful, I suppose.

We like outdoorsy stuff and are currently close to the countryside. Walking, cycling. Kids enjoy karate and swimming. Outdoors and physical activities have been better than galleries etc for DC1 but now they are getting older they can appreciate those things more.
At weekends it sports, cinemas or trips away.
I don't have any clubs or hobbies etc I attend mainly because I have zero time with work and studying and sorting the kids.
I understand what you are saying about a support network. I don't know that we would expect a support network quickly, such as the support you get from family because we don't have that now with UK family 20mins away. We don't rely on anyone except ourselves in that respect.
But we would want to immerse ourselves into a diverse community to make friends and get involved and in time it would be nice if we had a support network.
Not sure I've explained that well!

Sorry to hear what you've been through, OP.

Nottingham Derby Leeds I find to be cool, some parts of Huddersfield too.

Obviously if you're interested, some parts of London are perfectly fine. You can get to borders and countryside
in less than 30 minutes depending on where you choose to live.

Don't over- complicate things. What is making you feel down is racism, prejudice, discrimination that you suffered and still do. & quite rightly, you don't want the same for your children.

All the attractions in the world could surround me, I still would never want to live in a mono-racial area where racism impacts daily. You don't want it, your children won't, ever more so as they grow older.

Good idea to move to a more diverse area, to resolve that

In fact, move nearer where Black/mixed race can at least be seen. You'll find your support network naturally be that via friends and/or an actual understanding of racism issues. Where people just 'get it' and you feel the solidarity, and there are more than enough diverse community happenings and events for you and family to be involved in

Sorry not explained well as off out in a while but didn't want to read and not respond. Hopefully you get the gist.

Would it be possible for you to rent out where you’re living now and rent a place in say Leeds for example and give it a year to see how you feel?

That way you still have your roots if you need to go back but it lets you dip a toe in the water before you buy.