Mixed race exclusion from all sides .

[randoID]

Apparently I’m not black enough , not white enough . Judged harshly from the black community. Misunderstood by the white community. Yet when I walk into a room I am seen as a black woman. I am treated differently. Those in the black community expect me to have certain views or preferences. They shun me , judge me - laugh at me even.

I am tried of feeling like I will never quite fit in anywhere. I feel so misunderstood and alone most of the time. When it comes to black experience- yet I’m very much affected as is my maternal heritage.

Dual heritage black Caribbean(maternal )and white. (Paternal).

Am I alone ????? Do I have any allies who have experienced this and found their way ? I’m middle aged now and not hopeful ....

I’m half black / white
Grew up with adopted parents who are white so absolutely no black culture at all growing up 😂
I can’t cook rice n peas but I also can’t cook a roast dinner either I’m a shit cook 😂 my husband though can cook really good curry goat rice n peas

But in some way I think it benefited me growing up.
I’ve never suffered from racism as such or if it was there I didn’t recognise it as racism.
When I was younger I didn’t really fit in with the black community as I wasn’t black enough .
But I have always felt comfortable and at ease in the white community
most of my friends were mixed race so I fitted in with them easily and their family’s
I’ve always felt more comfortable around white people as they don’t seem to judge me as much as the black community .
I’ve had black people telling me I shouldn’t be with my husband who is white and I’m only with him for his money 😂
But never has my husband had that said to him by a white person.

I don’t have the same views about some stuff as many black people have as I didn’t grow up in a black family
But I’m happy with my life and family
if someone ask me I would say I’m black or mixed race but never white
I don’t know I’m rambling now 😂

@im5050 oh how I relate to all
You have said. So many similar experiences. Thanks so much. Not rambling at all.
I appreciate your response.

I think this depends on many things OP your upbringing and your family dynamics play a big part. My mothers mixed raced and she’s very confident about her race and I think she views herself more black but she does refer to herself as mixed race.

I’m 3/4 black and view myself as black I’ve never had any issues.

I do get a lot of comments on my voice/how I speak and to be honest it’s from the black community (I do sound white to be honest). I’m not unaware of this however I don’t view it as a flaw I view it as ME and I feel no way to be out into a stereotype or box.

You do what makes you feel comfortable OP, live up-to your own expectations and not others.

randoID
To be honest I don’t think it really bothered me much looking back at my youth most of my friends were mixed race / white and still are now .
I had a few black girl friends as I got older and still do but overall the majority of my friends are white or mixed race .
But most of them have black partners or mixed race partners so I feel very comfortable around them and likewise as I suppose the fact that they have black or mixed partners makes me feel more comfortable with them .
I definitely identify more with white people & communities and I don’t think I have ever have a problem fitting in and feeling comfortable .
But if I am asked to identify myself I would say i am black/ mixed race
I couldn’t say white as although I’m mixed race you wouldn’t ever think that I’m white - not sure if I’m explaining myself here
Growing up my adopted parents were and still are lovely amazing parents they are completely colour blind to everything and I think I’m a bit like that as well 😂
In many ways I would say my husband has more interest in black culture than me 😂

though at my age and I’m a similar age to you I’m able to fit in to both white and black communities quite easily but I think that comes from being confident and not giving a fuck any more 😂
My husbands family are all with black men and have mixed race kids so I think that why he feels very comfortable around the black community as he grew up in I suppose the equivalent to Brixton ( not Brixton ) but in an area where he was one of 2 white families in the whole street

Whereas I grew up in a very posh middle class area with no black or other ethnic minorities at all
I was the only mixed race girl in my school
Until senior school then it became a bit more mixed
When I was younger I did date black guys but I always felt uncomfortable as I think the difference in our upbringing and culture was clear especially when I met the parents and grandparents 😂😂 that was a real culture shock
Yet i remember dating a few mixed race men in my youth and I could easily identify with them and white men as well and felt totally comfortable with them .

4redSocks
😂 I get the same about my voice
I have been told I speak very posh and white and like you mainly from the black community
But to me I think I just speak normal

I’ve spoken to people on the phone and when I have met them in real life they are shocked that I am mixed race - you can almost see their brain trying to catch up with there mouth 😂
Normally it’s - your not what I thought you would be like -
Now some people might take offence at that
But as I’m always imagining what someone looks like if I’m on the phone to them - they never look like what I think they will look like - So I don’t take offence

It’s bad I’m telling you . It doesn’t bother me at all though. Someone’s voice doesn’t define them honestly.

I’m all for my people... what I do notice is the black community are overly harsh compared to the white community and I think whilst they are Pros to this there’s time when it really isn’t needed. You have to carry yourself a certain way because we don’t have an equal start in the race!

My mother even says me and DS sound posh too

It's a tough one. I'm black through and through and so have no personal experience but have watched from the sidelines how mixed raced people are treated by the black community. Neither group covers itself in glory, one completely rejects and the other wants to force you to conform to some black ideals.

You may have to believe in yourself and your dual identity even more than the average fully black or white person. Stand your ground. Take from both cultures and just be yourself. I remember when DD was tiny 3yrs old and DH and I were arguing over who she is like the most in looks, temperament etc, we then turned to DD and asked her who she thought she was most like...there was a slight pause and she answered, 'I'm just like me'! that shut us both up. Not exactly the same but you get the idea.

While I can’t speak on your personal experience, the idea that the black community is anywhere as unaccepting of mixed race people as the white community or even more is delusional.

Mixed race people who identify as black are widely accepted as black by the black community. How many mixed race people are viewed as white and completely accepted as such by the white community ?

Barack Obama, Drake, Halle Berry, Alicia Keys are just some bald white celebrities who for the most part identify as black and have been accepted by the black community as so.

Give over.

To be honest I’m not quite sure why you feel
Confident and able to dismiss someone’s lived experience . Also what is Bald white ? I think you’ve just highlighted one of the issues IMO.

I’ve never personally experienced mixed race people being excluded from black community socially. I have experienced other black children and teens teasing me for the way I spoke as posh/white, despite being absolutely not mixed race in the slightest.

OP I am wondering when you say blacks people don’t view you as black enough, is this based on adult experience or from school?

Black people have quite a wide range of views on issues - especially if you compare say Nigerians vs Caribbean’s vs long time black British. Pretty surprised that you say your views are universally rejected by all black people you know - unless they are blatantly self-hating comments.

@Yoshinori do you have personal experience as a mixed person? I strongly disagree I think in some cases the white community (sometimes) are all too happy to be accepting of the mixed race community more so if they have certain looks! “Blonde hair and green eyes”.

The issue about how a black/mixed person sounds posh is usually from the black community. It is definitely a thing and I wouldn’t go off celebs unless you know of them personally. Halle Berry looks more black visually than mixed race not that it matters to me either way...

I too what to know what is bald white?

This is really interesting. DH is mixed white European and Afro-caribbean. I'm mixed White European and middle Eastern. DS has turned out blonde and blue eyed, and is never accepted as mixed race.

DH's sister married a white European man, and her two children look mixed race in the same way as DH, but are as mixed race as DS. It's frustrating how DS isn't accepted as much as they are.

Apologies if I've phrased any of that wrong.

I’m not mixed race, but op do you think what you experienced is part of shadism? Light skinned black people and dark skinned black people do get treated different. By both races. Or is it worse than this?

The tv series blackish did an episode where they focused on shadism, which I found interesting.

@Cowmilk

I’m not mixed race, but op do you think what you experienced is part of shadism? Light skinned black people and dark skinned black people do get treated different. By both races. Or is it worse than this?

The tv series blackish did an episode where they focused on shadism, which I found interesting.

I'd just like to crash the party. As the poster above said there is 'shadism', there is 'placism', 'islandism', 'tribalism' & even 'nationalism' (which I want to call {'countrism'); they are all just bog-standard, lazy ways to treat someone different. Instead of seeing the person.

I am 'black' but have been called a coconut (didn't initially know what it meant). I don't talk 'black' and to be honest am very English/British, I try to treat everyone as individuals. Sometimes, I find people try to force you into a group of their choosing, & you try to please them. But trying to fit in rarely works long-term, and will only give you grief.

What I have learnt over the years, is to accept yourself for who you are - an individual with unique experience of life.

You don't have to be like the other zebras, you are allowed to be beautiful as you are. You don't have to fit into a round hole like the others - be different, be you.

Those who love and like for you, should not care what shade, colour or background you have. Those who don't were never going to be true friends - so their views don't matter.
Love being you.

Absolutely @Squirrel134

It’s interesting you said you don’t have to be zebras. That’s exactly what the black community expect I don’t think it’s out of malice but in reality there is a lot of pressure. At times the black community are our own worst enemy.

I don’t know see any other communities dragging each other down over hair extensions, class and if someone speaks well spoken.

It’s a bad habit that needs to be broken.

Interesting to hear different experiences; I think being mixed is quite a unique perspective and even if you tried to make a 'mixed' group, it would be very heterogenous. At the end of the day, you can only be you and it's not your job to make life easy for other people and their narrow-minded categories.

I find the point about accents very telling. People have their little boxes and if you don't fit their preconceptions, it can be exasperating to just get them to accept you for who you are. For me, I've also had stupid comments about my name, down to someone telling me what I should be called so my name is not too White (it's not, it's intercultural), followed by really idiotic suggestions of things that aren't even names, or from a completely different culture.

People see you for what they want to see you and rarely respect your right to own your identity, whatever you feel you want it to be.

What I have learnt over the years, is to accept yourself for who you are - an individual with unique experience of life.
You don't have to be like the other zebras, you are allowed to be beautiful as you are. You don't have to fit into a round hole like the others - be different, be you.

Those who love and like for you, should not care what shade, colour or background you have. Those who don't were never going to be true friends - so their views don't matter.
Love being you.

I love what you’ve written here @Squirrel134

@randoID I can relate. I’m not white, I have an Indian grandfather. I “look” very MR whilst my dsis less so. I never really fitted in at school. We moved around a lot due to my Df job so my accent/ lack of accent was often not local, I never fitted in with any particular group and it hurt. One of my closest friends at school was a MR girl- I don’t think it was coincident that we were friends.

Sorry that was a terrible bold fail for the quoted part.

Absolutely @Squirrel134

I am mixed race, (white English and Jamaican) but my mother raised me alone and I never had any contact with my father or his side of the family so I missed that input into my upbringing.

Unfortunately I have faced racism on both sides, obviously not from everyone but a lot of experiences resonate with me.

For years it did hurt, it makes you insecure and as if you don't have a place in the world. I totally relate to that feeling @randoID I'm probably a similar age to you and to be honest I've got to the stage where I couldn't care less its very liberating to just not give a shit what people think and just be me.

Sumwin 1
I agree with you
I remember being at the school noting other black mums and they depending who was there/wasn't would loudly criticise other black mums appearances talk about their children whilst some of them being in sorry states themselves!
Heard one woman describe dandruff as manure for the hair?
My skin crawled
Black people and I speak as I think seeing it for myself like to put other black people down and if you're doing okay
Then you think you're white and be kidding yourself
If you wear makeup
You want to be white and hate black
And that's just starters
I think there's a strata of us black people's who think petty/resentful/grudgingly
Don't like the term ratchet but it sometimes fits
By perceiving anything not true/pure enough /dark enough in their minds deserving to be disliked
I had 3 mixed race children eldest now in her 40s
The only thing I woild lay money on if I'd had any was the constant carping/open verbal curiosity of the black community and assumption that my kids would have it easy because of their "white blood"
That would've been nice
Instead alongside everthing else I told them that they were original.and best but always be aware the black would be seen long before the white was and no matter what, my support respect love and hope for them would not change as the world around them would
Anyway,
I get you completely and yes
I do know I'm black thankyou very much!
As said to those mothers

Even this place is racist im mixed and posted on here once and was told not to! I’ve faced more racism from blank people than white tbh