Do we do ourselves a disservice when we talk about so much negativity?

[penelopepitstopsgain]

I've been lurking for a whilst and had mixed views when mumsnet approved black mumsnetters last year but on the whole think its good to have a place to discuss issues that principally affect people across the diaspora.

A question that plagues me though, is when we talk about issues affecting black women should we not apply caveats and qualify that this is the experience of SOME black women not most, not all, but SOME.

I hear so much about black women not being desired by black men (cue yesterdays thread re BLM ), being at the bottom of the pile on dating sites, facing economic hurdles and yet for myself and many others this is not our reality at all.

I have yet to meet a brother who has ever said he would not date me due to my race (tbf I'm very picky so the choice is rarely theirs to make) and I came off OLD due to the number of messages received from white, black and Asian men.

I'm also not that exceptional; when I speak to female friends and family this is echoed.

If I was back in my 20s and reading your threads I would be like whoa it's unlikely anyone is going to want to date me, whereas the reality for many black women is not as your threads portray at all.

All I'm suggesting is a need for greater balance.

There is a lot of truth in you get what you give and there's a risk that some thoughts will become self fulfilling prophecies if left unchecked.

No. Mumsnet is full of posts where people come to vent, get advice, need a handhold, slag off their husbands and the rest. Black women using this space to do just that as well is not a disservice.

There have been lots of useful posts here about authors, Netflix shows, Black dollies, Black magazines, education, hair etc.

Whether you or your friends have experienced the things discussed in the posts you may find negative, clearly a lot of peopple can relate to them or often have strongly opposing views. It is a place for discussion. I would like to think that common sense would tell people that, the threads do not speak for ALL Black women. If you want to bring greater balance, then bring your opinions to the threads you think needs it.

Personally I don't see the need to caveat any personal experience, it should be clear that the poster is sharing their own opinion/experience. When people realise that some things have been experienced by other Black women, it can bring comfort and even laughter tbh. What should not be accepted is slagging off ALL Black men or all Black women and justifying that because you that's all you have seen in your family or the people around you.

Lastly, there are some things that are factual. Whether that's to do with the rate of career progression in the work place or the number of Black Caribbean students gaining places to study Medicine at university, some things are facts. Statistically Black women are underreppresented in various areas. No one will of course say that Black woman never acheive anything (Baroness Amos comes to mind and Sharon White) but statistics will show that generally these successes don't happen often, despite aspirations being high! Hence why many companies, organisation, even technological advances are working to make things fairer.

I think it's necessary to have spaces like this for us. I'm someone who is extremely fortunate in life - BUT - as a black woman, there will always be a ceiling on things. For example, I was on holiday (having flown out in business class and staying in a very nice hotel) dining in a very luxurious restaurant and got assumed to be a waitress. I had quite a charmed sheltered upbringing and was a bit when people talked about being profiled or stopped by the police. I suppose I thought that if I did my best, presented myself well and was polite then I'd be fine. Life has shown me otherwise. I've had a situation where I was physically grabbed by a security guard leaving a shop despite being professionally dressed, and pulled over and aggressively shouted at by a police officer.

So I think that my race will always impact how I am perceived - it's just fact. As for dating, before getting married I also did fairly well, but also had a man refer to me as a n*word. These sorts of experiences can be hugely damaging for us and I think it's important to have a community of others who can share experiences - good and bad. It's about being realistic IMO

There are many truths in what both @explain and @PompomDahlia say however the key issue is on threads such as the contentious BLM supporters and their choice of partners one for example, is that the comments made by the OP and others were not qualified as reflecting their own personal experience but many references were made re black women this and black women that.

You have a lot of faith in believing that people on mumsnet -who may never interact with black people other than via the media- are going to do the calculus and assess that it surely can't be all black women. More importantly it's not their views that concern me. It's other black people believing tropes without experiencing them for themselves.

I recall going for a very senior role and the secretary, the same race as me, telling me not to bother as they have never appointed a black person, never mind a black woman to such a level. I should thank her as she gave me the catalyst to prove her wrong, but it's that attitude that I'm fighting against.

Yes it's true black women face difficulties but they cannot and should not define us- we also should be ever conscious of the role personal responsibility and how we project ourselves can affect the outcome.