Have you ever felt ashamed of being black?

[PatricksRum]

I can recall so many instances as a child.

One that I remembered recently...
I had a best friend in secondary school. She would come over a lot to my house. One day, when her mum picked her up, she said, "I want PatricksRum to come over!" To which her mum replied, "we'll have to sort something out." I don't know why but the sort something out stuck with me.
I went to her house and we watched the X Factor Final (Alexandra Burke).
I loved Alexandra Burke whereas my friend preferred JLS. I remember her making a comment about how much she loved JLS. Her dad then proceeded to say, "I hate them..." And then looked at me and said, "but you're special."
It transpires her dad was a huge racist and it took a lot of compromise for me to be allowed in their home.
When I found out I felt ashamed.

In fact, it's only in the past few years that I feel comfortable saying I'm black.

I have had similar things happen to me, and there is a mixture of feelings. Especially when you are young and it hits you like a freight train. But ultimately that is something that man should be ashamed of, not you.
As I said though, I feel that it's fair to say there is a mixture of feelings, even though you should be proud of who you are...how it would be easier if you were white, if your hair was straight, you could blend in, if you could be one of the crowd, and so on. Its a shame, but understandable if you have had those fleeting thoughts when younger, especially if you grew up one of the only a few black people in your town. But if those thoughts and feelings become your daily thoughts as a mature adult looking back on that situation I would think something had to change for you. Eg therapy, alot of self reflection.

I can remember racist incidents from childhood and knowing they were wrong. I don’t recall ever feeling embarrassment at being black but even as a child must have felt there were adults with bad views and I suppose it made me feel less trusting.

For example I can remember being around 5/6 and having a play date. Her father came home when we were finishing dinner and said “do you like chocolate cake” I said I did and he said “I can see as you got it all around your face” I must have tried to brush my mouth as his wife said awkwardly “oh no darling he means...” and shot him a look.

Small incident. We kept on playing and the other little girl was lovely. But I knew he was a wrong ‘un.

@LemonSqueezy0

I have had similar things happen to me, and there is a mixture of feelings. Especially when you are young and it hits you like a freight train. But ultimately that is something that man should be ashamed of, not you. As I said though, I feel that it's fair to say there is a mixture of feelings, even though you should be proud of who you are...how it would be easier if you were white, if your hair was straight, you could blend in, if you could be one of the crowd, and so on. Its a shame, but understandable if you have had those fleeting thoughts when younger, especially if you grew up one of the only a few black people in your town. But if those thoughts and feelings become your daily thoughts as a mature adult looking back on that situation I would think something had to change for you. Eg therapy, alot of self reflection.

Thank you for your reply.

Looking back I can definitely see it is not me who should have felt ashamed.

He actually ended up deserting his son for his choice of partner!

I feel differently now thankfully but I do wonder about counselling, I'm unsure of how they would work around it?

@Misbeehived

I can remember racist incidents from childhood and knowing they were wrong. I don’t recall ever feeling embarrassment at being black but even as a child must have felt there were adults with bad views and I suppose it made me feel less trusting.

For example I can remember being around 5/6 and having a play date. Her father came home when we were finishing dinner and said “do you like chocolate cake” I said I did and he said “I can see as you got it all around your face” I must have tried to brush my mouth as his wife said awkwardly “oh no darling he means...” and shot him a look.

Small incident. We kept on playing and the other little girl was lovely. But I knew he was a wrong ‘un.

What the actual fuck. How can he say that so openly? And for his wife to call you darling whilst condoning it. Unbelievable.

I can't say I have. I put this down to my parents really and their early discussions of race. I had racist incidents no doubt but I always walked away thinking what was wrong with them rather than what was wrong with me.

I put it down to another experience as well. I'm vaguely religious now but I grew up going to church every Sunday. My earliest memory in a church was visiting my family in Africa and going to Sunday service in a small chapel in a small town. (Former colony with Anglican churches with stained glass and depictions of white apostles, Jesus and God).

What was unique about this chapel was all the stained glass had black Jesus, God, angels and apostles with a beautiful mosaic on the floor showing black Jesus and the last supper. I was maybe 3 years old. They all had curly kinky hair too. I must have gone back a few more times until I was 5 and i haven't been back to that chapel since.

It is still so vivid in my mind, but I always thought if the most important person in the world looks like me, then I'm perfect the way I am. I know most people arent religious- I'm not really either but it was so impactful for me. I always just used to think the white depictions of God were inaccurate or just for people in this country. I can't explain it but the memory of those depictions was greater than anything I saw in my life after and I grew up with a picture of white Jesus in my house🤣🤣. I guess because church played a huge role in my life then it was nice to think of God resembling me.

So that has always made me think how important it is to have representation in every facet of life especially things that form a huge part of your life.
It builds a healthy self esteem you can't shake .Imagine how confidently you navigate the world if everything resembles you- like how white people have that advantage and don't even think it is out of the ordinary for a barrister, God, Santa or the Prime Minister to be anything other than white. Living in a world where everything is white, seeing myself reflected in one thing at an early age had such an amazing impact.

So no I haven't felt ashamed yet but i think if it weren't for that experience I might have

Similar to @Dastardlythefriendlymutt I have never been ashamed of being black, quite the opposite I love being black.

People who do try to be racist to me I feel should be ashamed and I genuinely think they are scum.

Sorry to hear about the horrid situations previous posters and the OP have been in, glad you feel better about who you are now.

Just for the avoidance of doubt the feeling was never of shame for me trying to describe discomfort at casual racism even from a young age. I grew up in a predominantly white area and I’m not sure if it was my parents of something else but had a very strong sense of being black and that being a positive thing. In my childlike way.

Was just doing chores and this thread popped into my head for some reason, so thought I'd post quickly:

never been 'ashamed', but I have felt humiliated. I think humiliation is one of the core weapons of racism. Lots of this as a child, being called names like someone saying I'm the same colour as poo, or that I'm ugly, or even one black guy, maybe one of two shades lighter than my already quite medium skin tone (I would say I'm very similar complexion to Mel B) saying he dates black girls, but that I was too dark for him. That stuck with me a long time, it hurt then, not now, now I'm angry and wish I'd come back with more (probably need a theatre of oppression exercise for that one). So yes, humiliation, not really shame.

But I did want to say that I have felt regret for my type of black. I'm Caribbean, went to W African recently and saw the transatlantic slave enslaving castles etc. Just saw dark skinned black people all around, and I felt profound regret at having disgusting, disgraceful, evil, sex trafficking, child abducting, nonce, racism enslaving b@*%tard blood in me. If I could located the parts of me that had these genes, like say a leg or arm, I really wondered whether I would have cut it off to be rid of it.

This is extreme, I know, but while in W Africa, it is truly how I felt. I deplore it, i hate it, I'm so sorry that is the kind of black I am. The kind mixed with that shite. I looked at my children and was actually sorry that is what I passed on to them.

Now, don't get wrong, I LOVE being Caribbean and all that means. I've got my flag, I'm inna de carnival every year whether I lost all the weight I wanted to or not (!), you know? Me deyah! But I despise that part of me.

So yeah, I love being black, but now that white part ;p ;p ;p

My secondary geography teacher had a habit of talking about my home country wherever famine or war was being discussed. But he’d say the country in a really patronising way and look at him.
Also remember telling some classmates proudly where I’d come from and most of them laughing! The teacher didn’t say a thing

Throughout any racist incidents or micro aggressions I've experienced, I've never felt ashamed of being Black.

I'm of West African heritage, so am dark skinned, and wear my natural Afro hair short. I've had a strong sense of identity and self for as long as I can remember, which looking back I attribute to two things:

1. My parents are first generation from a West African country. Despite them having lived in the UK for almost 50 years, they've never lost sight of home, made sure we visited regularly, gave us all names which reflect our heritage rather than English ones, and taught us our ancestral country's history.

1. My dad absolutely adored me, and still does. Not in a cloying or suffocating or princess way, but he was always interested in what I was doing, helped me with schoolwork, drove me wherever I wanted to go, although he was overly strict when I was young (which I hated at the time). I always felt sad for people who didn't have a smiler set up.

Looking back on what my parents did for us, I feel a huge sense of gratitude, and am trying to give my DC a similar sort of upbringing.

I'm pleased to say I've never been ashamed to be black. I've hated that I have to do better to achieve....but in spite of this and other discriminatory issues.... I love being black...I'm proud of my culture... my.heritage..it makes me who I am.

I am yet to come across a definition of what "being black" actually means. ( Or one that I agree with). Until then I am neither ashamed nor proud of being black.

Interesting thread. I've never been ashamed of being black. I lived in a small town and from an early age other black children/young adults would make it known to me that I had very dark skin and used the usual derogatory colorist remarks. What I am ashamed of is my inability to stick up for myself during those times
I left that town 20 years ago and its alot more diverse now.

I grew up in a multicultural area, attended church with a black majority, 95% of my friends are black, i attended cultural activities as my mother was part of the black Panthers and has always had a strong sense of black identity.
I grew up in a area that if a racist term or act was conducted, that individual would be seriously reprimanded and I can only recall that ever happening once but that person I suspect had mental health issues.
I hadn't ever experienced racism until I started work and it was a huge shock to me especially with the environment I grew up in.
I have a huge sense of pride to be black

I hope it’s ok that I’m posting on here but if not happy to move along! This really touched a nerve. I’m not black but I am a person of colour and grew up in a multicultural community with loads of different types of friends. Being in that community somewhat protected us- we were all so different and our parents were all immigrants so we accepted and went further than that by embracing each other’s cultural references, habits, etc.

I first experienced racism in my parents home country. I remember my uncle turning me around in front of everyone so I had my back turned to him and then pushing my head down and saying look how black her neck is- her cousin isn’t even from the U.K. and is so white. For reference certain areas on my body are darker than other parts, like knees elbows armpits etc. I was very young and too scared to move so just stood there in front of everyone with my head hung while he inspected my neck, it’s a memory that’s always stayed with me and I lost all respect for him after that. Soon after he asked me what the ‘black people’ in my school were like. They’d heard stories and wanted to know if they were as dangerous and wild as he thought. Again I was very young but remember trying to advocate for these ‘black people’ majority of which made up my best friends.

The last incident that I remember was having a picture of Beyoncé on a CD (destiny’s child days) and trying to explain to my cousins how she was a great singer and in my opinion one of the most beautiful women and their response was ‘but she’s black’. I remember feeling shocked how anyone could find someone not attractive based on their skin colour, especially as some of these people Who made these comments were dark themselves. I know now that there is a huge history there and they have been made to feel ashamed of their colour.

I did experience racism after that as I grew up and moved away, not necessarily always directed at me but it was there.

Those experiences did leave me feeling ashamed. Not only of my colour but things like the way my mum dressed or my dads accent, the food etc. It took a long time but there is no shame there now. Not of my skin colour, and especially not bcos of my heritage/culture. I am nothing but proud now

The nit nurse in infant school. She undid my hair plaits and it looked awful. All my "friends" laughed at me. I laughed loudest of all but the reality was, I was ashamed. My mum was so angry. But because it had taken her so long to do my hair in the first place and she'd have to do it again!
It took a long time for me to accept my hair. For me perfection was long blonde hair. Something I knew I'd never have. Unfortunately my mum didnt help with this. She relaxed my hair when I was about 9! Because it was too thick and relaxed hair would be easier to manage. And because I didn't look after it because I was 9 it got in terrible condition and she cut it off. Again, another reason to hate my hair.
This was back in the 80s. I wasn't represented and felt invisible.
But love my hair now

I can relate to this. I had my hair relaxed and jheri curled when I was in infant school in the mid 80s. This lasted until the 90s then flirted between chemical treatment and braids. In my mid early 20s I stopped relaxing and wore my hair in braids or out natural/afro. Ive had locs now for nearly 15 yrs and love them