Attending a Private Secondary School

[Denzelstowel]

Hi do any of you have children in private secondary school? - If they are a minority. - ethnicity and or class. How have they coped with making friends in and out of school? I have a year 7, just joined and I'm wondering how he will settle in friendships. He is very academic and is supported by a very generous bursary. Most of the children are very wealthy - we are not and I wondered if any of you have this experience and how if at all it has impacted your child's school friendships. Thanks

My children have been in an independent secondary school. They have made friends well and been happy in school. They have definitely been in the minority and there have been a couple of racist incidents which were dealt with 'okay' by the school. Generally the parents are professionals (doctors etc) with a few in the very wealthy category, I don't think this has made any impact.

I was a non-wealthy child at private school - but not an ethnic minority also. We paid massively reduced fees because a parent worked there.

I don't remember having issues making friends, but I do remember noticing the differences between our lives as we got older. They had designer clothes and skiing holidays. Several of my friends owned horses and one friend had both an indoor and outdoor pool at her house!

But i remember that they shared with me. I swam in their pools and I rode their horses and played tennis on their courts. I was taken as a guest to the royal Albert hall for concerts a few times for example.

I don't know if it ever bothered our parents. I'm sure we sulked a few times when they wouldn't spend £100 on trainers! But they were very clear with us that money wasn't everything. It never bothered me massively.

I hope he continues to excel and enjoys himself.

Independent secondary here and minority ethnic. Most, like pinkhibiscus', are probably professionals/business people, very few wealthy but a fair few on scholarships/bursaries.

The dynamic may therefore be v different for your ds but are there are other children on bursaries with whom he might bond with immediately until he can develop other friendships ?

It may be that inside school the class distinction is not so much an issue after a while once he holds his own academically and that there will be boys who will befriend him for himself.

Hope it all works out well for your ds!

Income difference has never impacted friendships for my dc. Rarely discussed, you might get an inkling from certain things mentioned in conversation but no big sit downs to discuss haves and have nots. My dc school they not allowed to wear designers, everyone wears Primark/sports direct/river island etc. The fancy school trips are optional, half the class don’t attend, the remaining half just carry on as normal and no one is made to feel uncomfortable. The school has a skiing trip every year, and cricket in Sri Lanka 😅my dc have never attended, about a third of yr went and two thirds didn’t go. Everyone is still happy and it didn’t affect their friendships one iota.

Dd is at all girls school and I have noticed evidence of conspicuous brand consumption but I get the feeling that some girls buy in to it and others are largely unaffected.
Dd hasn't really been bothered although she recently has been banging on about some basketball player brand trainers but she knows I'm not having any of it. She can have them if she pays for them herself.

Same here re: fancy trips Arofan although Covid has put paid to those this year!

I went to one and have a fantastic group of friends I'm still in touch with 10+ years after leaving. They're a mix of kids of professionals and bursary kids and pretty down to earth. We weren't fans of the 'in' crowd who were into their labels and a bit full of themselves, we thought we were a bit more alternative! It wasn't multicultural and I did struggle with that - my body image wasn't good as no-one else looked like me. But I'd think that now kids can find their tribes on social media as well as school it might make things easier (just my opinion, not based on having kids of my own).

*Thanks for responding- everyone
Maggie " The dynamic may therefore be v different for your ds but are there are other children on bursaries with whom he might bond with immediately until he can develop other friendships ?

I get the impression they don't know who is and who isn't at this stage or talk about it but that might change as they get closer and move up the school. He knows he is on bursary as I was open with him when first applying but not sure of other families conversations about this with their children. Any so far he is happy so let's see.*

If I (white) am allowed to comment.... my sons were in a minority white private day school. In fact one year my son was the only white boy in his class. Some children (including many very rich Asians better off than the whites) ) were very well off and some hardly at all. Most all seemed to get along really well and all benefited form the different children in the classes. Never have my sons picked friends based on wealth. I found them always good at knowing who might not have enough money for a cinema ticket eg and offering to pay and just being sensitive to the fact some people have more money than others and not suggesting outings that people might not be able to afford. What they want is people who they get on with not someone who has loads of money.

Thanks Xenia "( If I (white) am allowed to comment.... ) "
of course and why not? My question was addressed to the experiences of ethnic and class minority in private school. So your experience seems relevant. I hope you don't always start your replies like this.

But yes I agree and am hoping that as he goes up the school he will find a friendship group.

Xenia, it strikes me that you have given your DC a good grounding in choosing friends. I'm sure it will serve them well as they grow older.

Thank you. They seem to get on with most people.
(Denzel, sorry I just did not want to intrude so was treading carefully and I only have white experience).

I think it has done my sons a lot of good to be in such a mixed race but fee paying school (which reflects the London borough where we live). In fact if you go to the two nearest primary schools one is Church of England and mostly white and the other very mixed race which always looks so divisive to me but the fee paying even primaries are more racially mixed not least because some (not all) of the parents are immigrants and they value education very highly.

It has also helped my sons because if other children in the class are working very hard that the rubs off on the slackers! I am not saying my sons are lazy but it did help that so many families were putting their all into paying school fees and were not going to let their child waste the chance.

My own DC went to a fee paying primary school. The children were much more mixed than where we lived. (Mostly white, small Northern town. Anyone of colour usually worked at the local hospital).

We struggled tbh, with finding the money at the time, but no regrets education wise, it did make a difference. A world of difference to my own experience.

At DD's school it was about 50/50. Mostly Asian for the non white families, lots of drs kids, other professionals but also families who scrimped to be able to pay fees.

Our teen has benefitted (if one sees it that way) from 100% bursaries throughout prep and public school.

I think you're right to distinguish between class and ethnicity as possible areas needing consideration.

In truth, IME, families who know enough and have the confidence to even apply for bursaries at major public schools would overwhelmingly "identify as" middle class - though owning less in terms of horses, boats and ski chalets than fee paying parents. So their children don't find any significant difficulty in forming friendships.

Independent schools - particularly boarding schools - are by their nature multi-national. (Much more so than the fabled "leafy comp" that excludes by postcode.) Children are flying in (or were!) from all over the world, and not being white isn't going to be a distinguishing factor.

Non-middle class, not-white, UK born children whose parents have successfully navigated the application process are probably more than able to hold their own - but may find it takes a little more effort to find their feet. But not necessarily.

(It's ridiculous how hard I've found it to write this post. It's incredibly difficult to generalise from specific experience.)

@PersephonePromotesEquanimity

Our teen has benefitted (if one sees it that way) from 100% bursaries throughout prep and public school.

I think you're right to distinguish between class and ethnicity as possible areas needing consideration.

In truth, IME, families who know enough and have the confidence to even apply for bursaries at major public schools would overwhelmingly "identify as" middle class - though owning less in terms of horses, boats and ski chalets than fee paying parents. So their children don't find any significant difficulty in forming friendships.

Independent schools - particularly boarding schools - are by their nature multi-national. (Much more so than the fabled "leafy comp" that excludes by postcode.) Children are flying in (or were!) from all over the world, and not being white isn't going to be a distinguishing factor.

Non-middle class, not-white, UK born children whose parents have successfully navigated the application process are probably more than able to hold their own - but may find it takes a little more effort to find their feet. But not necessarily.

(It's ridiculous how hard I've found it to write this post. It's incredibly difficult to generalise from specific experience.)

I love this post and its very aptly put

Depends where you are, SW London here and private schools are very mixed with all ethnicities both paying and on bursaries.

I don’t have any experience OP. I think it’s interesting though. @sar302 I think it’s lovely you have memories that the other kids shared with you.

I personally couldn’t send my child anywhere knowing he would be a minority no matter how good the school was.