White Dad’s and mixed race sons

[lboogy]

So a few years ago a friend of mine who is black and her white boyfriend were discussing kids. He expressed that he would find it hard to raise a mixed son because he believes they are harder to raise. Among his bizarre reasonings were gems like: they will be influenced by rap and violent culture and he'd struggle to teach them otherwise.

This man had a full white son from a previous marriage.

Anyway Ffw and I got pregnant with my white husband. I've always wanted a daughter so when we were discussing gender preferences I said I'd love a girl. DH said he would too because with a son he would have to take him to early football classes etc. Mind you my DH has season tickets for his fave team so his reasoning seamed weird. I thought back to the conversation my friend had with her boyfriend and wondered if he too was feeling the same way and was too afraid to say anything. Needless to say when my friends boyfriend expressed his opinion I let him know how ridiculous he was being.

I ended up with my much wished for daughter who he adores.

I'm pregnant with my second child and DH has asked if I have a gender preference and I said I don't mind. I suspect it's a boy this time but it'll be a few months before I'll know. I'm worried my DH won't love a son as much as a daughter. He's never given off any underlying racist vibes but I do wonder at the back of my mind if he'd struggle to bond with a black son.

For those of you with mixed race sons - does your DH bond well with your son and if you have a daughter can you sense a gender based difference in behaviour?

The rap and "violent culture" comment is highly offensive. I think if your husband thinks the same way as this other guy then I would worry he has some prejudices he needs to deal with.

I'm sorrh but I just dont see how a black or mixed black boy especially as a baby would be any different to bond with than a girl of the same heritage. Surely when youre at the point of having babies with a Black woman you've already thought about this.

Maybe someone will come along with another perspective but I would be very offended if my partner said this to me

I have mixed race kids of both sexes and my partner had never expressed any of these sentiments. Bonding with either kids hasn’t been an issue at all.

I guess it depends how familiar your partner is with mixing with black and mixed race people?

That should be “comfortable” not “familiar”

I'm struggling with this too. When you are expecting your second child, it's something you think about, how can we love this child as much as we love number one? Then she or he is born, and you are just flooded with love. You realise that your children are different characters, personalities, they like different things, but you love them equally with all their differences.

Don't let some stereo type that some "friend's boyfriend" chuddered on about some years ago influence you so much. Your DH hasn't said anything except to ask what you are thinking about a girl or a boy? That's normal talk between a Mum and Dad and part of the fun of waiting to find out.

We have girls playing football here, and going to matches with their Dad, we have boys not playing football and they prefer cricket. They are encouraged to be themselves and not fit into old fashioned sex stereotypes. Not all black people like rap do they? It's not compulsory. .

Children are what they are. Have a talk to DH and share your worries, I'm sure it's fine. Don't give the friend's boyfriend shallow talk from a few years back any more headspace. He was talking rubbish, and it says a lot about him and his own mindset.

Take care of yourself there

We have one mixed heritage son who is 16. He has the most amazing relationship with both his dad and I. We love each other and do our best to understand all aspects of each other. He also likes rap and 80's music. What's does 'violent culture' mean?
Good luck with everything

Thanks ladies. I'm feeling a lot more reassured now.

This made me really sad to read. I can't believe your friends boyfriend. What a nob! Hope she ditched him!
We have two mixed race boys. They are funny, kind, love cuddles and I wouldn't change a thing.

OP, could you just projecting your own fears and insecurities here, perhaps ? Has your DH ever given you any indication that he might hold such views? Surely, if he had reservations about raising a black son he wouldn’t have chosen to marry and have children with you? Personally, I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone if I suspected they might hold such views. Besides, being influenced by ‘rap and violent culture’ isn’t exclusively reserved for black boys so why would anyone think this?

He is going to need to step out of his comfort zone when the time comes as he will probably have to deal with his son potentially being subject to treatment he won’t have any lived experience of. That’s going take a lot of empathy, emotional strength and love but I’m sure he be equal to it if he’s a loving parent like most dads are.

My BIL is Scottish, I have three gorgeous mixed race nephews. BIL is every bit as loving, proud and protective of his sons as any other father I know.

What a bizarre thread.

@Pinkyandthebrainz

What a bizarre thread.

If it's not for you then fine, shift along, no point in posting to be goady is there?

This IS a bizzare thread!
OP You are judging your husband on something another white person said once.
Imagine a white partner doing similar. Would seem a bit racist no?

He's your husband. If you are really having these doubts about him then why in earth did you marry him?

Maybe talk to him about it instead of a bunch of strangers on the internet?

I'm sorry if my last comment sounds harsh but there are LOTS of people of mixed heritage in this country with many loving white fathers. I just find it so sad that you are even thinking this because of one idiot. 😢

Agree this is a strange thread. For the same reasons as pp's.
I struggle to understand how these concepts were not discussed prior to getting married to someone of a different race. Did the subject just not come up? Also have you just kept quiet on it since having your daughter? And finally you need to talk to your dh now. Whether you have another girl or boy. I also hope your friend ditched her racist bf

@lboogy

So a few years ago a friend of mine who is black and her white boyfriend were discussing kids. He expressed that he would find it hard to raise a mixed son because he believes they are harder to raise. Among his bizarre reasonings were gems like: they will be influenced by rap and violent culture and he'd struggle to teach them otherwise.

This man had a full white son from a previous marriage.

Anyway Ffw and I got pregnant with my white husband. I've always wanted a daughter so when we were discussing gender preferences I said I'd love a girl. DH said he would too because with a son he would have to take him to early football classes etc. Mind you my DH has season tickets for his fave team so his reasoning seamed weird. I thought back to the conversation my friend had with her boyfriend and wondered if he too was feeling the same way and was too afraid to say anything. Needless to say when my friends boyfriend expressed his opinion I let him know how ridiculous he was being.

I ended up with my much wished for daughter who he adores.

I'm pregnant with my second child and DH has asked if I have a gender preference and I said I don't mind. I suspect it's a boy this time but it'll be a few months before I'll know. I'm worried my DH won't love a son as much as a daughter. He's never given off any underlying racist vibes but I do wonder at the back of my mind if he'd struggle to bond with a black son.

For those of you with mixed race sons - does your DH bond well with your son and if you have a daughter can you sense a gender based difference in behaviour?

I do think dads feel more pressure with sons as there is more responsibility to be the parent that is the main role model and that obviously offers more complexities when the parent/child are of different races. But that's not remotely insurmountable and isn't something that should be viewed as a negative by a prospective father. Maybe part of the problem is that dads don't have a particularly good lexicon or support network for parenting overall and I'm just guessing that your partner might not have lots of fellow black men that he can openly discuss parenting with. Think that pushes some white men into a fear response that makes the prospect of parenting a mixed race son something they (wrongly) feel they just can't handle.

This is NOT a bizarre thread. And I'm really sorry that people who don't understand are trying to minimise or ridicule your concern.

I get it. It might get a bit too real when there's a black man in your lives. Your potential future son.

Parent-child relationships are already hard. This just adds another layer of complexity to it.

Keep talking, learning and loving each other and it will work out.

I don't think the thread is bizarre either - I see why it would concern you absolutely.

But, you cannot use your friends racist bf to compare to your DH I think it's unfair on your DH to do that when you have no evidence of him being racist.

I also think you should outright ask your DH how he would feel about, why is that so awkward if it's the man you love to ask if he's considered it and see where he is at and what his viewpoints are?

I actually think this thread is bizarre as well mainly because OP you have a daughter with your DH already and if he's hands-on so goes out alone with your daughter, he would have already experienced racial microaggressions because he is with a child of different ethnicity who calls him daddy.

Added to that with the white fathers I know and met of black and mixed ethnicity boys they tend to be more clued up on racial matters if they are a hands-on dad than some of the white mothers I've met of daughters.

With your friends' bf he sounds like he would leave hands-on parenting to the mother and he knows this doesn't go down well with sons who look for male role models elsewhere if they can't get them at home. His use of racist stereotypes are probably to try and hide the fact he is a shit dad.