Boarding school

[LincsMUM80]

I have hesitated posting this but couldn’t think of a better place to post it. My DS has just started boarding at 13 and up till now we have never really had the race conversation properly. I mean he is aware of the usual stuff and the need to not put himself in unnecessary situations etc.
His school is lovely, housemaster and matron couldn’t be nicer and more engaged, and we have always lived in a predominantly white area. I feel the need to speak to him specifically about being aware of the fact that he is in the minority of the minority! The population of black/mixed kids in the school is about 5%. There will be people in the school from countries that aren’t as open as we are here in the UK and regrettably he has to be conscious. Anyone dealt with something similar or am I making something out of nothing?

The population of black/mixed kids in the school is about 5%. There will be people in the school from countries that aren’t as open as we are here in the UK and regrettably he has to be conscious.

So much to unpick there!

What sort of boarding school is it? In my current experience of a (major) public school (boys, full boarding) the black pupils are mostly very rich non-UK resident boys from very wealthy families and a smattering of U.K. boys (often, though not necessarily, in possession of scholarships or bursaries. None of them are shrinking violets and - amongst their peers at least - they're able to command respect for their individual qualities. I have heard some mutterings about problematic attitudes displayed by some members of staff - repeatedly mixing up the names if the only two black boys in a year or class, for instance. Is this the level of incident you're concerned about?

I can't really comment on how things might be in a more "local" school - one with weekly or flexi-boarding with a much smaller foreign contingent.

At 13+ he'll be aware, and it's important that you emphasise, that Black people are not an "ethnic minority" globally.

As regards boys coming from, let's say, more mono-cultural countries - presumably their parents sent them to your school because they like what it offers? If they wanted a school without black pupils then I'm sure they could have found one elsewhere. It is up to the school, not your son, to deal with any racist behaviour from other pupils. You need to be clear about this.

Thank you for posting this OP. As someone who went to boarding school and can speak to both pros and cons, I am also beginning to wonder if this is the best option for DC.

I thrived in boarding school despite being a minority and missing home. My parents wanted the best for me and I suppose I internalised that message and that education is everything especially as a black person at a young age. Maybe that's why I persevered, but I am also only beginning to unpack just how racist some of my experiences were and it comes up in conversation when someone brings up something similar and I remember. I think I'm great at compartmentalising but I dont know if those things hurt ar the time or affected me.
There is no getting around it that you child will have similar experiences as a minority and being surrounded by mainly white people.

I think you should have a conversation with him and encourage him to share with you and always have open and honest dialogue. It is up to the school to deal with racism and if they fumble- do speak up for your son and everyone like him.

I honestly had a wonderful time at boarding school and gained so much from my school - despite the horrible incidents that marred it. But I also knew I wasn't the one with the problem -those students and teachers were, and my parents challenged things that weren't okay. I hope your son has a lovely experience.

So sorry for the garbled elements, was interrupted by a slightly urgent phone call. Hope you get the gist.

@PersephonePromotesEquanimity

So sorry for the garbled elements, was interrupted by a slightly urgent phone call. Hope you get the gist.

Thank you for the reply and i totally get you. Without giving away too much, its a big public school and full boarding and he's not on scholarship or bursary.

Thankfully he is a very confident boy and has had a brilliant time so far. My biggest take away from your post is reminding him that It is up to the school, not him, to deal with any racist behaviour from other pupils.

I went to boarding school in the 90s so I appreciate things are very different now, but it was an experience that left long-term scars. I do wish I had been better prepared - reading some Mallory Towers books that my parents bought me was about the extent of it!

If I'd been able to explain why some of those situations had arisen, perhaps I could have avoided the burden of shame that I felt - some (not all) of the other children and a few members of staff had extremely problematic attitudes towards people that looked like me. I was able to escape and 'rise above' some of it by being academic and sporty, but it was way too much to ask of a young child.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled but reflects my current state of mind about the whole thing after a few months of therapy

But sorry that's not particularly helpful for you - I don't think you're making something out of nothing, I think you should prepare him for what is quite a unique situation in whatever way you think I appropriate, as you know him best.

@Dastardlythefriendlymutt

Thank you for posting this OP. As someone who went to boarding school and can speak to both pros and cons, I am also beginning to wonder if this is the best option for DC.

I thrived in boarding school despite being a minority and missing home. My parents wanted the best for me and I suppose I internalised that message and that education is everything especially as a black person at a young age. Maybe that's why I persevered, but I am also only beginning to unpack just how racist some of my experiences were and it comes up in conversation when someone brings up something similar and I remember. I think I'm great at compartmentalising but I dont know if those things hurt ar the time or affected me.
There is no getting around it that you child will have similar experiences as a minority and being surrounded by mainly white people.

I think you should have a conversation with him and encourage him to share with you and always have open and honest dialogue. It is up to the school to deal with racism and if they fumble- do speak up for your son and everyone like him.

I honestly had a wonderful time at boarding school and gained so much from my school - despite the horrible incidents that marred it. But I also knew I wasn't the one with the problem -those students and teachers were, and my parents challenged things that weren't okay. I hope your son has a lovely experience.

This is very interesting and sums up my personal experience. My son is much more confident than I was and even in prep school he pushed back on other pupils who were a bit funny with him. I did chuckle about getting names mixed up by teachers hahaha. That was a daily occurrence! Like you said the most important thing is to make sure that we have very good lines of communication and that he knows to speak up should he feel uncomfortable about anything. We had several conversation before he left (as you would with any child who was about to board) but we will have a proper catch up when he's home for half term.

@NamedyChangedy

I went to boarding school in the 90s so I appreciate things are very different now, but it was an experience that left long-term scars. I do wish I had been better prepared - reading some Mallory Towers books that my parents bought me was about the extent of it!

If I'd been able to explain why some of those situations had arisen, perhaps I could have avoided the burden of shame that I felt - some (not all) of the other children and a few members of staff had extremely problematic attitudes towards people that looked like me. I was able to escape and 'rise above' some of it by being academic and sporty, but it was way too much to ask of a young child.

Sorry, that's all a bit jumbled but reflects my current state of mind about the whole thing after a few months of therapy

But sorry that's not particularly helpful for you - I don't think you're making something out of nothing, I think you should prepare him for what is quite a unique situation in whatever way you think I appropriate, as you know him best.

Thank you for the reply and I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Both myself and my OH boarded and its something we have spoken about with the kids for a very long time. I actually think he expected to board at some point. I had an amazing time and yes, I experienced overt racism like you wouldn't believe. My parents' reaction was almost always to dismiss it and question if I was being too sensitive. Obviously, they thought that was the best way to go about it. Like the previous poster above i learnt very early on to compartmentalise my feelings and i left with very very fond memories. Its really not until you're sending you own DC that you have to face all the ugly bits you pretended never happened.

I hope you get better though and happy to chat anytime.

Yeah and my parents insisted on them using my name correctly. Unfortunately they opted for my second English name in pre-school "because it was easier" but I always tried to use my first African name. Aside from a few new teachers thinking they were funny and mispronouncing my name, making jokes about it or calling me anything else, I was given the respect of being called by my name because it was a hot button issue for my parents.

Other children were not so lucky and most of them just went by their initials or first initial ( well those without an English name).

I hope it goes well OP

The school should have some written policy, which they must be held to where necessary. But of course most occurrences will be too ... amorphous to fit well into any defined complaints system.

Happily, teenagers now are quite hot on shutting down any racism they recognise amongst their peers.

I don't want to tell you to be constantly on the lookout - but I'd suggest at least a modicum of observation on your part, as regards opportunities offered, possible assumptions made, etc, by staff. The stakes are higher at senior school so just keep an eye on any emerging patterns - clubs, societies, positions of responsibility ... It's not at all as simple as any clear racial divide. Some children fit the party line and rise swiftly and smoothly. Others are less keen to fit the prescribed slots - and then it's hard to discern whether their rockier road is a matter of race or just the way things are.

My friends daughter went to boarding school and was fine, but she did grow up in east London.

I went up to the school for a few events with my mate and felt absolutely fine. There was no ‘edge’ if you know what I mean.

I don’t know if that’s helpful?

@LincsMUM80, as others have said, keep the lines of communication open with your son. Even though my DC have had a very privileged upbringing, (only attended independent schools) and now boarding, I've spoken openly about how others may view them. Having said that, they have a lovely group of friends from all backgrounds, who are open to learning about other cultures.

I am also willing to "call in," prejudice and negative treatment towards DC, and schools have always been willing to hear it, and act where necessary. It helps that I've tried to have a good relationship with DC's schools, as I see it as a partnership.

My son went to boarding school in the UK when he was 10. He had been having massive problems with racism in Germany (he's mixed race). I specifically sought out a school that seemed to care about diversity and he did very well there from the start. He had both white and black friends, but his best friend was a black Nigerian boy. They remained friends for many years. At school, there were no problems whatsoever.

I chose this solution as I myself went to an all-white boarding school and had no problems on account of race whatsoever -- this was in the 60's. The most racist thing that happened in the four years I was there is that a girl from South Africa who was mad at me for some reason yelled "you're brown!" But I had friends and was never excluded.

Hi OP, both my boys have been at boarding school in the uk and we are black and UK based. The older one left last her for uni and I’ve still got one there. They both started at age 13yrs. I can say there has not been one single incident relating to race as far as they or I can tell (and I am hot on these things and have my eagle eye on the school all the time). They have both thrived and participated in all sorts of enriching activities and made friends.

I’d say our experience of race related issues were all from the local state primary in our area which where my DS was one of only 3 black students. Boarding has been brilliant for them BUT it’s important to choose the right school. Do you have one in mind?

@OP just read your post again and seen that they’ve already started boarding, so pls ignore my question. I did tell dc to be on their best behaviour and warned them not to join in with any untoward even if their white friends are doing it because if they get caught, they will immeadiatLy zero in on the only black boy amongst them.

[quote Truest]@OP just read your post again and seen that they’ve already started boarding, so pls ignore my question. I did tell dc to be on their best behaviour and warned them not to join in with any untoward even if their white friends are doing it because if they get caught, they will immeadiatLy zero in on the only black boy amongst them.[/quote]
Yes my DS has started and he is loving it fingers crossed, this is a sign of things to come. Also waiting for half term to get the full lowdown.

Did you specifically have a race conversation with you DC before they started. I also agree about telling him not to join in with any untoward even if their white friends are doing it because if they get caught. We have been through that several times in primary school. I suppose the difference is that they come home at the end of the day and you have the chance to ask questions and intervene early where necessary.

Thank you again for replying

We didn't have any conversations specifically about race before boarding, as these were ongoing conversations we had since starting senior school. The importance of time keeping, and following through were discussed at length. I also explained that life would be so much easier if teachers were on your side, and liked them for who they are.

I wrote a longish follow-up post, but then deleted it because it seemed superficial and probably wasn't saying anything you hadn't already encountered.

But it's not always easy to articulate the various strangenesses of teenage boys. Most of them want to be identifiably one of a group - even if it's not a group to which they might conceivably belong ...

Eg: at a school where 80% of the pupils (of all races) are costing their parents well over £40,000 a year, some boys, having never trodden any street much beyond Mayfair, feel moved to affect a "black" 🤮 "street" persona. Middle class black boys doing this provoke something more than a raised eyebrow from their more sensible peers. Wealthy white schoolboys attempting to dress and speak like characters in one of Rory Stewart's most febrile dreams ... It's hard to get one's head around when your child brings this information home to entertain you ... It's not something we could have had any preparatory conversations about, because the phenomenon unfolded in real time. We're still puzzling over it.