Hey all, I am new here looking for some answers to how I have been feeling and to talk to someone who wont judge me. I do tend to ramble so dont feel like you have to read it all.. I am sure you will get bored. I know I do!
I am 31 and 24wks pregnant with my 3rd child. I also have a step-daughter but she doesnt live with us.
My first pregnancy was stressfull from start to finish, my mil was diagnosed with cancer and we lost her shortly before my dd was born.
The birth was traumatic starting with induction and after her getting stuck it ended in a c-section under general. I had a ruptured bladder too so I was pretty poorly
I was too out of it on the medication to really worry about what I missed out on when she was first born but over the years every birthday it makes me so sad.
So onto my second pregnancy, this went swimmingly and I had a really positive birth experience, we had a 4d scan done and named our ds before he arrived. I felt so close to him when I was pregnant. Then it all started to go wrong. After he arrived I just couldnt bond with him, but I didnt recognise it. I knew I had the baby blues which did go on for a number of months so I guess that was the start of what I would consider as mild pnd. I tried to ignore how I was feeling and just put on this mask for everyone, including my dh. I guess this helped to deny how I was feeling cos it did lift. I had good and bad days but for the most part I could hide in my little private dreamworld - where I felt safe.
When my ds was nearly 6mths old I had an accident and dislocated my knee. I was unable to get out of the house with a toddler and a baby aswell as crutches and really felt down, worse than ever. My HV noticed it, but she went off sick and due to staff stortages I never got another visit. I tried to find things to look forward to and we booked a holiday, and looked forward to xmas. Now money had started to get short, my 39wks mat leave was just coming to an end so I got myself a part time job working evenings & weekends.
This made me feel so good about myself I started to forget being down. I lost 2 stone and felt sexy as hell. OMG I have not felt that good about myself in years. So now we are upto pregnancy #3. My dh and I talked about having our third. It is something we both wanted, however probably a bit sooner than I would have chosen if it was just my decision. I was loving work and feeling healthier than ever so decided to come off the pill and 'try'.
It happened on the 2nd cycle which was a total shock, the last 2 times took 7 or more cycles each.
Anyway still enjoying work, I had worries about being made redundant, but otherwise we were pretty comfortable.
About 2 months ago I started feeling a little low, and just seem to get lower as each day passed. I dont want to be married, dont want my children and most certainly do not want to be pregnant.
Again, I have good and bad days. Those days where I am busy and have plans seem to be better. But I constantly find myself trying to get out of arrangements which I have made. At the time I make them, I have every intention of going, but then the thoughts of it make me feel positively sick and I dont even want to brush my teeth or get out of bed.
I can happily stay indoors and not leave the house for days at a time which is sooo unhealthy but I just dont want to have to talk to anyone.
When I do go out I force myself to be the life and soul, I put on this mask, paint the smile on and off I go. Pretending all the way, knowing deep down I really dont want to do this.
So up to this week, I had an antenatal appt with my midwife who asked the dreaded question 'how are you feeling'? Something I havent mentioned so far, for the last year I have suffered with constant bouts of tonsilitis and more recently laryngitis. I cant seem to get rid of this sore throat and feel soooo tired and lethargic all the time. I put the tiredness down to pregnancy but I should be blooming by now... I am most certainly NOT.
Well the floodgates opened and I just sobbed. She wants to send the HV round to assess me, but I am so bloody proud I said NO I AM FINE (even though I know deep down I am not!) She said we need to get this sorted before I have this baby, but I was adamant that I was fine. I came home and tried to talk to my dh about it and he just ignores what I say and does something funny (which is not normally funny actually - but funny to him) and thinks, right job done, sorted!.
I burst into tears yesterday and begged for him to make it stop, all this negativity. I feel like I am the worst mother in the world, I try to play with the kiddies but end up just wanting to come on my laptop and hide. I cant bare them crying and demanding attention, I shout, scream & cry all infront of them and I know how bad that is.
My dh was lovely and gave me loads of hugs and told me all the right things then later on in the evening he went all grumpy which made me feel like crap again. It seems when I feel down, he copies me, then I find myself feeling constantly guilty about making him feel crap, being a bad mother & wife, having a dirty house oh where will it all stop. I can not see an end to this.
Well there its all out, well at least some of it anyway. So if you got this far, thank you so much for listening/reading.
xx