Baby due 1 Dec - MiL staying over Xmas?

[rachelinindia]

I’m pregnant with my first child.

My partner is an only child and his mum lives 150 miles away. She was widowed last year. She drives but won’t drive to see us (it’s a 4 hour drive, she also won’t drive in the dark). She is nearly 80, has some health problems and is anxious. My parents are much younger, both still in good health and live 30 mins away in the same city. We have visited my MiL every 4-6 weeks since she was widowed.

At Christmas, me and partner have always taken it in turn to either stay with his parents for a few days or stay at our home and spend the days with my family either hosting or visiting them.

Last Christmas was the first since my father in law died. We invited my mother in law to stay and it was fine. She also stayed with us for the long Easter weekend. She has travelled by coach and then me or my partner has had an 2 hour round journey to collect her from the coach station and bring her home - either on public transport or by car. She won’t travel from the coach station to our home by herself. Although my partner isn’t close to him mum we all get on well, and have probably become closer since his dad died. I like his MiL and she likes me.

Our baby is due on 1 December. I’ve already told my partner I won’t be travelling anywhere or doing anything for Christmas and he’s in complete agreement. If he wants a full Christmas dinner at our home he’ll be making it all, if we feel like visiting my family we’ll do that, he’ll get the tree, decorate and wrap and buy presents - that’s agreed between us, no issues. However, he really wants his mum to still stay with us. I would be happy with her visiting but sleeping in a nearby hotel or B&B. He’s upset by this and feels guilty. I don’t know how I’m going to feel, how difficult the birth will be etc and I’m worried about having another person in our small 2 bed flat when I’m bleeding, breastfeeding, knackered, emotional, post partum.

She is excited and happy to be a Grandma but I don’t think she’ll be hands on or particularly helpful. When I’ve seen her interact with children it’s been a bit awkward and it’s been 50 years since she looked after a new born! She doesn’t expect to be waited on but clearly doesn’t feel at home enough when she stays with us to make herself breakfast, a cup of tea etc.

I’m interested in other’s experiences of similar situations and if my compromise is agreeable. I don’t think my partner comprehends how difficult the first few weeks could be (for him too!)

Surely she stays in a hotel because "otherwise you won't get any rest due to baby crying at night mum".
If i were the MIL I would be relieved.
Then M&S Xmas out of a box- great idea!

I had my whole family stay 3 weeks after I had my dd, staying for 2 weeks (we lived overseas) was absolutely fine but then I cooked a full meal the day after I gave birth, having gone to the supermarket on the way home from hospital (was fancying something specific but no longer recall what!) I don’t get this whole shutting people out thing, especially a widowed mother at Christmas, surely your dh can look after her and you

I don't think I could be so cruel to my partners mum if she was widowed. Especially if I was planning on seeing my family too.

Explain all the issues you anticipate to mil, and also impress how disruptive it will be for HER as well, crying baby, sleepless nights, baby stuff everywhere, etc etc. ask her to please stay nearby so she can visit but has a refuge when the baby related chaos is going on.

We had the most utterly blissful baby “bubble” (even though lots of MNers told me it was nonsense!) and then after two weeks started having visitors. I adored that time we had together but honestly was fine to host after that time. You just need to be really clear that the guests will need to help out.

My mum came to stay for three weeks and I was really really nervous as we do not have historically an easy relationship.

We actually ended up asking our neighbours if anyone had a spare flat and rented one of those at a good “mates rates” - so she was very very close by and could let herself in and out of our flat but we just had that extra space.

It worked really well and I surprised myself by crying for a week when she left, I was so unexpectedly bereft at her departure!!

The extra space worked well because it was a long visit but honestly she was in our flat from 8am to 10pm anyway and it was fine. It was actually lovely having someone there who was obsessed with my baby, when people love your baby too it’s really joyful to experience.

If we only needed to host her for a few days over Christmas it would have been absolutely fine to have her in the flat.

If your baby comes when due or the week after and you have 10 days to recover, you’ll be fine to host someone for a few days. Just be really clear about what you need her to do.

We asked my mum to cook for us as that was the thing we had no headspace for. Before she arrived I was just eating whatever I could open with one hand from the cupboard and when she got here she cooked us amazing healthy meals. Could you get your MIL to cook?

Well I'm not 80. But as grandparents would prefer to stay in a nearby hotel and have breakfast there before visiting if you wanted us.

As a new mum on all three occasions I just wanted my husband to be honest.

Oh you’re so lucky to have a parent staying to help out during the early days. This is very common practise in many parts of the world.
On a separate note, I don’t understand why you are opting out of Christmas this year. You’ll have a 3 week old baby - nothing unusual about that. Why won’t you decorate a tree or buy and wrap presents? Very strange.

There’s no baby related chaos during these early days…!! They pretty much sleep!

I honestly don't think you have any choice. She is 80, sounds nervous about new things and would no doubt hate being in a hotel by herself.
You said she doesn't do anything when with you, some people feel that it is wrong to help themselves in someone else's house but as you will be so busy she will probably really step up and make those cuppas/do some washing and feel she is needed and more at ease.
Without being a doom monger, she is pretty advanced in years, don't let your husband feel guilty if this Christmas is one of her last. It is only three days. You can do it.

I did manage to do a lot in the first few weeks. Then they became more alert, that was more tiring.

I read these threads and think what on earth was going on in my house then?
there was no sleeping or calm or lovely peaceful newborn bubble
it was leaking and crying and bleeding nipples and baby losing weight and multiple hospital and midwife visits, an infection for me and horrendous 24/7 pain. Unfortunately not everyone’s experience is the same.