Baby due 1 Dec - MiL staying over Xmas?

[rachelinindia]

I’m pregnant with my first child.

My partner is an only child and his mum lives 150 miles away. She was widowed last year. She drives but won’t drive to see us (it’s a 4 hour drive, she also won’t drive in the dark). She is nearly 80, has some health problems and is anxious. My parents are much younger, both still in good health and live 30 mins away in the same city. We have visited my MiL every 4-6 weeks since she was widowed.

At Christmas, me and partner have always taken it in turn to either stay with his parents for a few days or stay at our home and spend the days with my family either hosting or visiting them.

Last Christmas was the first since my father in law died. We invited my mother in law to stay and it was fine. She also stayed with us for the long Easter weekend. She has travelled by coach and then me or my partner has had an 2 hour round journey to collect her from the coach station and bring her home - either on public transport or by car. She won’t travel from the coach station to our home by herself. Although my partner isn’t close to him mum we all get on well, and have probably become closer since his dad died. I like his MiL and she likes me.

Our baby is due on 1 December. I’ve already told my partner I won’t be travelling anywhere or doing anything for Christmas and he’s in complete agreement. If he wants a full Christmas dinner at our home he’ll be making it all, if we feel like visiting my family we’ll do that, he’ll get the tree, decorate and wrap and buy presents - that’s agreed between us, no issues. However, he really wants his mum to still stay with us. I would be happy with her visiting but sleeping in a nearby hotel or B&B. He’s upset by this and feels guilty. I don’t know how I’m going to feel, how difficult the birth will be etc and I’m worried about having another person in our small 2 bed flat when I’m bleeding, breastfeeding, knackered, emotional, post partum.

She is excited and happy to be a Grandma but I don’t think she’ll be hands on or particularly helpful. When I’ve seen her interact with children it’s been a bit awkward and it’s been 50 years since she looked after a new born! She doesn’t expect to be waited on but clearly doesn’t feel at home enough when she stays with us to make herself breakfast, a cup of tea etc.

I’m interested in other’s experiences of similar situations and if my compromise is agreeable. I don’t think my partner comprehends how difficult the first few weeks could be (for him too!)

I think it depends what sort of 80 she is. At 80 my mother was fit, confident and modern. She'd have had no issue staying in an hotel and would probably have preferred it with a tiny baby in the house.

MIL at 58 didn't make a cuppa or breakfast at my house. I made a rod for my own back by not expecting it.

I can imagine that 150 mile drive might be onerous for an elderly person, not used to being on their own or doing it on their own. Similarly the travel from the coach station. My mum would have been OK, others wouldn't have. Your DH has to do that.

Might a compromise be for her or you and your DH to stay at a nearby air bnB? Could you all stay at a bigger house/cottage near the coach station?

It's a tricky one op and I'm mindful she's recently bereaved. Also, the baby could arrive any time between mid November and mid December.

When we were expecting DC1 we had read loads of "advice" saying that it was best to keep visiting family in a hotel instead of staying so we could have privacy and bond as a new family. So we did this with both sets of parents. And then ended up feeling rather daft when we realised we didnt actually need or want that. I didn't really understand the bubble thing or what it was for.

DC2 was due on Christmas Day so of course we were at home that year but we had PIL and SIL staying over and my parents came 2 days later. Wouldn't have had it any other way.

My MIL came to stay for a couple of weeks, coming a few days ahead. It's been many years, but I really don't know how we would have managed without her. Once I had nursed my baby, she would insist on watching baby so I could nap, or shower. She cooked and did laundry, too, which I know your MIL won't. But, it can be so helpful just to have someone watch over the baby while you get a short nap or a shower.

I don't overly like my inlaws but put up with them for happy relationships and in the same circs I would allow them to stay rather than shoving them in a b and b down the road. At near 80. When widowed. At Christmas.

If you're a week overdue that would leave baby 2 weeks old so you'll have gained a bit of confidence then and baby will still be mostly just be wakening for a feed then straight back to sleep. It would be more of an annoyance rather than actually more difficult having a family member around so I think you should male the effort to be a bit selfless on this occassion.

I know compared to pp I’ll sound like a bitch but no way would I have her stay. It’s really difficult given her age and her being still fairly recently widowed, are there other family members that can take her for Christmas? It’s a difficult situation but at 2-4 weeks after giving birth I was a mess. I was crying all the time, I was struggling with feeding, I was hangry to frankly a scary level, I got an infection, I wasn’t sleeping, my boobs were out constantly at home and my baby was crying a lot. The idea of hosting anyone at that point would’ve tipped me over the edge. I suppose it depends what sort of birth and what sort of newborn you have.

you realise that she will spend every single day all day at your flat even if she has a b&b nearby?

Thanks for people's suggestions. To answer a few questions:

@RosesAndHellebores No, I don't think this is any sort of compromise. 1) I'm not staying anywhere but my own home 2-3 weeks post partum 2) We live in London (hence the time it takes to travel a short distance between coach station and our home), there is no point spending £1000s to stay in an AirBnB flat for 3 days over Christmas to be next to a coach station 10 miles from our house 3) I'd like to see my family too over the holidays and staying elsewhere would hinder that.

@DappledThings and @MadCattery - I'm glad things worked out for you both and that your parents in law was so helpful, sound really nice! If I could guarantee this and had this sort of MiL I wouldn't hesitate to have her to stay.

@Whatsthestoryo and @Cinnabonswirl I understand where you're both coming from and this is my dilemma. It is selfish but it's also a one off, not forever and I want to protect myself. Unfortunately, there are no other family she could spend it with, apart from an even more elderly brother in law and his wife who do not drive. They live about 1 hour from my MiL but she also won't drive there and there is no public transport. She does have very close and long standing friends in her village.

@Jullie12 - yes that is how my partner feels, we are seeing her next month and will need to tell her then I think. My exact concern is that I don't know how I'm going to feel..

@Nearly50omg - yes and I think that's my compromise! She can have a decent night's sleep without being disturbed by a baby, a nice breakfast made by someone else, no clearing up and spend the day and evening with us. We get some time as a family of 3, no having to sort out a spare room, laundry sheets and less looking after. She only stays from 24-27 December. Ditto when we stay with her it's only for a few days.

She does have very close and long standing friends in her village.
surely they’d have her
or drive her one hour to her other family, I would do that for my friend at Christmas, no questions asked.
offer her ‘Christmas’ in January maybe? And you could do a day or two where she comes to stay with you then.
a BnB is another compromise as others have said but honestly this wouldn’t have worked for me, but I know others who have dealt with it and made it work.

I don’t think it’s selfish, it’s one Christmas one time and it’s more important for your entire family that you recover, learn to feed (if you’re planning to) and minimise your risk of ppd. I’m sure if you had the baby and you actually felt great you could give her the option last minute, even if she did slightly different days to her usual dates, if for example she’d already committed to someone else for Christmas Day

A compromise - would your parents be willing and able to put her up?

With a two week old baby you can’t have passengers in the house at Christmas. If she’s not going to help and want to be waited on then this isn’t the Christmas for her to stay with you.

I personally would have her stay for a few days. She doesn’t sound like an intrusive guest and I’d be having a word with my DP about how he will either need to do everything for her, or tell her to sort herself out. And I say that as someone who cried every single day for the first 6 weeks post partum.

I think the widow part and that she may end up on her own would mean I would have her especially as it's only 3 nights. Agree with the dh that he entertains her and that you can retire to your bedroom if you need the space.

Erggggghhh i feel your pain.

I would let her stay in the house you can hole up in the bedroom or whatever.

After I fave birth I felt like shit but honestly newborns dont do much. Get your parents over every day to help if you want and keep xmas low key.

We do m&s Christmas in a box (you literally put foil containers in the over and it cooks in 90mins/ 2hrs

No peeling and prepping and basting.

You dh does need to train her to use the tube. I had to get mine to do the same with my mil although she was sub 60?!? it's just painful...

At 80 I can see she might be more nervy but there's no reason she cant come during daylight hours...

I had my own mother come stay the year I had a baby a couple of days old as well as my preschooler. She was early 60s and used to having the older one for the occsion day. It was a nightmare she picked that time to decide not to play with the older one, not to help with any food prep and basically sat expecting to be waited on.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and go back and ask her to make other arrangements. It made it such a stressful time and I was second time around with feeding etc.

I think she should make alternative arrangements just for this year.

This is probably part and parcel with choosing a grandad age man with a great grandma age mother. If she was in her 50s or 60s then you could say no to her staying over. Will Christmas be the first time she meets her grandchild? If she’s coming earlier in the month then say no to Christmas too.

How rude and unhelpful 🙄 you're also talking rubbish! My mum is in her 60s and that does not mean I'd be happy to leave her alone in an Airbnb or anywhere else at Christmas if she was widowed and lonely.

OP are there really no other friends or family she could see this year, closer to her home? Does she get on with your parents? If so, could they maybe put her up, then the 3 of them visit you on Xmas Day? (With everyone else doing everything while you sit on the sofa and feed, obviously) i agree it's not a good idea to have her stay so soon after the birth. My baby is due the day after yours, we have my parents staying over xmas but we have a lot of space and they pitch in. When DD1 arrived we were also in a 2 bed flat and it simply would not have worked.

I’m due around a similar time and my parents are coming for Xmas for a couple of days (important it’s not too long IMO…!) and will stay in a hotel, and I have suggested they cook the Christmas dinner…

I think with a new baby in a two bed flat she might am find she’d actually prefer to be able to decamp to a hotel for a break and uninterrupted sleep tbh.

As someone with a similarly useless MIL aged 61 i can confidently say this is incorrect.

Saying any form of "No" to your DHs useless self absorbed mother causes marital friction and tension whatever her age.
we similarly cant leave her alone ar Christmas because its mean i just wish she'd come for the 3 days shes actuall invited not descend for a full FUCKING week every time

As you can see I've been towing that heavy line for almost 10 yrs now 😅😅😅😅 age is no barrier to uselessness / feigned helplessness

We had two widowed Mothers. MIL was considerably older than mine. One 3 hours away the other 5 hours away at the time. Older one a more confident driver.
DC was due late November arrived 2nd December. C Section and a poorly baby.

I found both a help. Laundry, meals, ferrying me to hospital appointments, encouraging breast feeding and loads more. No paternal leave in those days so their help was much appreciated.
My Mum came at Christmas and it was easy. MIL came before Christmas. My Mum still worked and looked after my Granny. She was also there for 2nd baby's first Christmas. My Mum sadly, passed away unexpectedly before the next Christmas. My DD now an adult, cherished the photos of Christmas with her Gran and put one in her spare bedroom when she bought her house.

We moved even further South and I really feel that my children missed out on Grandparents.

Why can't your MIL get a black cab from Victoria bus station to your house? Or arrange an uber for her.
No need for carrying things on the tube.

Or could your parents invite her for Christmas and they all pop over for a bit every day.

I hope you have an easy birth and a lovely Christmas.

This sounds like a nightmare! I’d probably disappear for that week. Your MIL can’t use the excuse of being old because she isn’t. She’s still a few years off retirement.

@rachelinindia I think a hotel/B & B nearby is a good compromise. Yes your MIL will spend most of the day with you but it’s only a few days. It just means you don’t need to worry about getting a room ready, washing sheets etc after her visit. Breakfast provided so one less meal etc. Plus you get sometime to chill in your own home.

As a pp said do a M&S Christmas meal or even do something much easier.

Some people have this idea it is appalling for someone to be on their own at Christmas, that you have to have a full works Xmas dinner etc. There is no law that says everyone must do xyz, what is right for one person is another persons nightmare.

What you do need to do is tell MIL when you see her and ask her what she wants to do. It is amazing how many people forget to ask MIL what she wants to do. My Grannie in her 80s wanted to stay in her care home, as she said - it’s my home.

It honestly is.

I had a lightbulb moment when a friend once said "it's not surprising you hate it, when she visits you basically have a third child you didnt ask for and dont want"

And its true she's literally like a 7/8 yr old girl and has similar emotional maturity levels.

Now i very much "actively manage" all visits because not doing so pans out a lot worse for me

Thanks for the further input.

@Harassedevictee you're spot on, we'll ask her what she plans/wants to do and take it from there. All my thoughts and worries are assuming she wants to stay with us and will be very upset if she doesn't.
@Teajenny7 how wonderful that you got the support you needed from them both and you have those memories of the last Christmas with your mum, though that must be very bittersweet. Thank you for your kind wishes. I think it's reasonable to ask her to get a cab (though she may complain about the cost...)
@NovembHer I have the same feeling, she is use to peace and quiet. I've gone ahead and booked a fully refundable hotel nearby just in case it's needed...(and best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!)
@NomoneyNoprospects her only other family are 1 hour away and they won't drive to see each other and no public transport. They are also older and very infirm. She does have friends in her village. Best of luck to you too for the coming months.@Unexpectedlysinglemum My parents don't have space for her to stay over Christmas (sister and her girlfriend visiting from overseas). I don't think she'd feel comfortable with them even if they did.
@Happytoddler I'm 35 and my husband is 45 - not exactly granddad age😂Yes, Christmas likely to be first time she meets the baby and sees us post-birth.

Sorry to hear about some people's awful experiences and happy for those whose families were supportive and helpful!

What’s the community like in your flats. It’s quite common in ours for people who have family coming for Christmas to arrange an informal air BnB situation with a neighbour who is going away and pay them to use their flat for the holidays. It might be a good solution that gets you the space you need without worrying how to ferry MIL around.

I think her staying nearby is the right compromise though. Good luck

It’s not unreasonable to ask her to stay at a b&b this year at all! She might feel a bit put out as mother in laws do. But that’s not your problem and you don’t need to think about this anymore than you have. Best of luck