?postnatal depression and anxiety...just want to talk

[Kathryn160417]

Hi,

My dd is 7 weeks old and i feel like im getting worse each day.

I have previously had low mood and have been to counselling a few times (once during my pregnancy). I also suffer from anxiety.

When my dd was born, i was expecting to be very emotional as i can be anyway, but the baby blues didnt seem that bad but each day seems to be getting harder and harder. My dd has a touch of colic which as im sure most parents know is very difficult but i feel that my patience is getting thinner and thinner. I love my dd to bits but i just feel that i havent bonded at all and it breaks my heart. Sometimes i look at her and feel nothing - how can that be right?! Sometimes i just want to get in my car and drive away. My self esteem is shattered (never really had 1 in the first place) and i feel absolutely disgusting. When i get ready on a morning i dont even care anymore i just put anything on and slap my hair in a ponytail.
My anxiety is awful. Im terrified that my dd will wake up and cry in public - how ridiculous?! I feel like this because i am so fixated on what other people think. If i know i have to be somewhere i start getting nervous the night before. Just makes me not want to leave the house some days.

I have told my dr about this apart from feeling that i have no bond as this is the first time i have written it never mind saying it. I just feel like such a bad mam when i feel relieved if someone else takes her. I jus t feel so bad and just think my dd deserves someone so much better. I just want to curl into a ball and cry.

Sorry for such a long post but needed to talk. sad Can i even be diagnosed with pnd after only 7 weeks? If it is pnd that i have as i dont imagine these are only the baby blues?

It sounds like PND my love, I also didn't bond with DS1 & felt nothing for him & felt the pressure to be the perfect mother whose baby wasn't a nuisance in public.

Go to your doctor again or midwife & tell them how you are feeling.

If it helps, I wish someone would have told me these things at the time: bonding is a ridiculous concept that's now considered outdated. Its not something that has to happen, you're not a bad mother. Not knowing what to do, learning as you go along is all very normal despite the societal pressure on new mothers to do everything correctly all the time & know instinctively what to do in any/all situations. If your baby is fed, clean, happy & dry then you are both OK.

Colic is hell. As is a traumatic birth which I'm wondering whether you had?

Be kind to yourself darling, you are doing fine its just all new & all overwhelming at the moment. It will get easier. But do tell someone as you need more support xxx

Thank you. It just nice to know that im not going crazy and that im a terrible mam.

No my labour wasnt traumatic at all. I was induced 11 days early as i had 3 episodes during pregnancy that i couldnt feel dd move. My induction only took 5 hours and my labour was only 38 mins without any pain relief, everything was very very quick!

Im very lonely too as my partner is back at work and i dont have tons of friends to call on. However some days i have no interest in seeing anyone.
Guess im just wondering when i will feel happier and feel more of a connection with my dd.

I agree the idea of a bond etc causes so much damage and anxiety for new parents. It's a known fact anxiety blocks joy. You can't feel both together and when you panic about feeling love or a bond it's common to feel nothing at all. Hormones, exhaustion and pressure can do a number on new mother's. You sound like your doing absolutely fine, you just need a bit of help to relax about a few things. Oh and lots of my friends reported the feeling of wanting to run away, infact it's so common it's listed as a symptom of the blues. It doesn't sound like your a bad Mam at all, you just sound scared about not being enough and it's making it hard for you to enjoy the ups of motherhood. Remember, we all struggle. Some just judge themselves massively.

Hello my love

I'm just sharing this organisation with you. They have a help line but also in many areas a local support group, often on fb, of mums who've either experienced it or are doing so now. Lots of people to talk to and sources of info or help, or just sharing experiences.

I hope you feel better soon. It does get better. Some find antidepressants helpful, others talking therapies, many use both.

www.pandasfoundation.org.uk