My Mum wants to stay with us after the birth

[maveta]

Hi, I'm brand new to mumsnet but I've had a look around and am looking forward to taking part!
I'm 14 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My mum is very much looking forward to her first grandchild. We live about 5 mins drive from each other and see each other a few times a week. On the whole we have a very good relationship.
Last night she said that she was planning to come and stay with us for a month after the baby is born. This filled me with panic...a month??! Really??!
I have a friend whose Mum spent the first week with them and she said it helped a lot so I can appreciate the help, support and expertise that they can give you at this time but I also imagine a time must come when you want to be on your own with your partner and new baby.
Did any of you have parents stay after the birth? How did it work out? How long for? Is it to be recommended or avoided?
I don't want to be precious about this and reject help where it may be needed, especially as we are going to be brand new parents but nor do I want to feel suffocated and feel like I am being told what to do and when to do it in my own house at a time when I am bound to be feeling extra sensitive.
Any advice?

I have no experience of this as am first time pregnant as well - 14+2 (are you on the April 2007 thread? Don't remember you, sorry. When's your due date, it must be very close to mine, the 23rd), but it seems to me that if your mum lives only 5 mins away, why does she need to stay? Surely she can pop round and help regularly every day if OK with her and then on the nights you have some privacy?
I'm naturally quite a private person and the thought of having someone living with us for more that a couple of days is a nightmare! My mum is fantastic, and I'm sure will be a great support after baby is born (as will MIL) but I don't think either of them would be able to stay and I'd hate it if they suggested it! I realise everyone's different and for some people it's valuable, but still...

My mum stayed for around a week after the birth of my DS; but this was because she lived around 150 miles away at that time. Had she been five minutes round the corner I don't think she would have offered to stay; though she may have offered to stay the first night at home or something like that...

However, it was lovely having her for that first week; very re-assuring and helpful in lots of ways. You just don't know how you are going to be after the birth and I had ended up with an emergency CS under general anaesthetic and came home very exhausted. So every bit of help was wonderful for that week. And funnily enough, my mum helped me to bond with my DS. As I say I was utterly shattered and not too well, but I did have strong feelings for my DS from the start; however as it's all so very new, all the caring and nappy changing and winding, etc, there is a big element during that first week of the baby being a big 'task' you have to 'do'; and when DS was screaming with colic I was having a steep learning curve! My mum, having been there before, knew that no baby cries for ever so took it all a bit more lightly than me; and also she was more cuddly and loving with ds, I guess she had the maternal feelings in place where during that first week mine were still growing. Watching her hold him up to her cheek or give him a tender kiss was lovely and somehow helped my own maternal instincts kick in....however I realise everyone is different with this and I was really quite unwell during my DS's first month of life so what I gained may well not be what others gain from having mum around!

I just wanted to say how invaluable it was to me!

Having said that, a week was enough; I waved her off quite happily as I wanted to be the one doing it all for my ds by then. It was a teensy bit nerve wracking when she went but not nearly as much as you might think.

I'd suggest she does a week rather than a month. you will need to find your own space and ways of doing things way before a month is up, I would think.

Congrats, by the way!

Is ahe going to be a real help or will it just make more work for you?

My Mothjer came immediatly after my ds was born, and tbh it was almost like having another child to run around after (and I had a section). With the benifit of hindsite I can now see that she was in the early stages of dementia, which made things worse, but to be brutaly honest she would never have been any help to me. She was always over critical of everything I ever did and needed 'entertaining'.

Unless you have a great relationship and she will actualy be a help my advice would be to say no.

maveta... I'd suggest to your mum that she visit you each day. You can sort out a time limit. I think you would also need to think about the kind of support that you would like from her, eg light housework, cooking, watching baby whilst you sleep etc.

It's a lovely time when you first have your baby and what you will need is support and whilst having your mother would be lovely you will also want time alone with your baby and your partner.

So.... take some time to think it through and I'm sure that lots of the lovely MNers will have suggestions as to the type of support your mum can give you. You may just want to meet up with her and go for walks or for lunch to get you out of the house. Remember as well that things have changed since she gave birth and the only person who knows how to parent your child is you! Advice is there to be heard, you don't always have to take it.

Anyhoo... congratulations I hope you have a wonderful pregnancy and that you and your mum work out what's best for you and the baby.

And join us on the April 2007 thread if you have time, it's the bumps, bunnies... one!

a month? I would say noooooooo!

My mum lives about 10 mins from my house and if I'm honest she was at her most supportive just after I'd had ds. But she would never have thought of moving in, she did take a week off when he was born so that she could be there to help if needed - she offered to do the shopping, although dh was home to do that, she drove me to doctors because I had anaemia/she would come round for about an hour most days but on the whole she was mostly just around the corner and was very clear that "the first few days are yours with your baby". (she started interfeering a few weeks later ).

If you have a close relationship with your mum I would tell her that although you appreciate her offer, she is just around the corner and only a phone call away if you need her, but that you want to settle in with your baby and do things your way, and that you want to decide if/when/how you need help/support.

Floating, your parents sound great! I definitely think you have hit the nail on the head with your post - any mum is going to be a real help so long as they are prepared to do everything BUT care for the baby!

My mum was like yours in that she would do all the practical stuff but leave DS totally with me, unless I specifically handed him to her or asked her to do something with him. That must be quite a hard thing to do when you want to scoop up your first grandchild but instead have to watch your shambling husk of a daughter who has never even held a baby before, attempt to deal with a newborn after major emergency surgery

Mums are great, aren't they!!!!

If she's only 5 mins away, does she need to actually stay? Or if she does want to help at night/early morning, could you say that she can stay for a week, and then you can take it from there?
My Mum and Dad stayed for a fortnight (they live 120 miles away, and it was Christmas, so they would have been staying anyway!) The help was much needed - Mum cooked and ironed, Dad watched the cricket while cuddling dd so I could nap on the sofa!
When they left, dh and I looked at each other at about half past 5 and suddenly realised we'd have to cook something for dinner

hmm, see what you mean, floating.

I still think better that way though than my MIL's way, she used to peel DS out of my arms and walk off with him to other rooms, even when he was screaming. I'd follow her from room to room!

I know, first baby and all - maybe by the third fourth or fifth you are foisting a screaming newborn onto anyone who stands still in your presence

But I hated it.

I think it would be great to have your Mum on hand at the start, if you get on well. It's great to have help and reassurance when you get home with a newbaby, but you and your DP will need time to yourslevesto re-adjust to your new life and try to learn how to look after your baby. Learning on the job and trying different things is a new mums perogative and with a Mum their who has done it all before, her own way I can see how it could have great potential to hinder things for you. My MIL was great support but she didn't BF her children and really had now idea about it, I think if she had been here 24-7 and seen DS feeding all the time, she may have been a bit negative towards BF at a very sensitive time. The problem is if help turns into interpherance and undermining, if you don'tthink your mum is like that and will support you and keep quiet if she doesn't agree with your way of doing things, then it could be potentially great her being there a while. But, if she is the kind of person who may start saying 'you can'tpick her up every time she cries' or similar then it could be a nightmare, damage your confididence or cause extra stress.

Why not agree to 'play it by ear'. Tell her its important that you and DP have some time to ajust and work things out for yourselves at the start. Tell her that you will call her in if you need help and you will let her know for how long at the time.

I called my Mum in to help and she was bloody useless! She 'couldn't rememeber'about BF (It tookme a while to work it out at the start) and said that me and my brothers and sisters 'just did it'. She folded up some clothes and hung a bit of washing out and was just content to sit there holding DS - which was nice of course - but I couldn't of had her there for more than a day or two personally!

Iwould say no 2 staying she lives so close to you she can pop over at short notice if needed. You and your dh/dp need time to adjust to becoming a new family and bonding with your new baby.

Also, if she 'over-helps' for that long, you might feel dependant on her and find it harder when she eventually goes. I was ill with abadly infected episotomy wound and DP stepped in with allot of the nappy changing/washing etc. When he went back to work I felt a bit like that because I had become too dependant on him being there all the time. It didn't take that long to find my feet again, but the example is still there.

Would your Mum perhaps just stay during the week when DH has to work? But go home for weekends?

Thank you all so much for your replies! They have given me a lot of food for thought. I do agree that she lives so close, and actually we may be moving to within 10 mins WALKING distance!! that it seems a bit unnecessary for her to stay.
I am also aware of how I would feel if MIL came to stay for a month and so therefore how my DH might feel if I shared this latest news with him! I haven't mentioned it yet as I don't want to wind him up in advance!
It is a few months away so I guess we'll play it by ear nearer the time but thank you for the well balanced advice, it has taken away that panicky feeling!!
Katy44, my due date is 25th April but I'm brand brand new on here so haven't even had a second to check out the ante natal clubs.. I'd actually better get back to work now but hopefully see you in there soon!
Thanks all x

Also, (one final thing!) one friend of mine's mum & DP ended up making things worse for her at the start because they were so 'over helpful'. They took over a bit and this made her feel useless and inadiquate. It effected how she bonded with her DS at the start. Whoever helps at the start, needs to be sensitive to the feelings of new mothers and give them space and support, not banish them to the sofa and do everything for them. If your Mum is a wise and sensitive type I would be glad to have her on the scene at my discression, with the understanding that she leave to give you space when you say so.

My mum came to visit me in hospital to meet her new grandchild, then went home until DP went back to work. Then she came to stay - and was incredibly welcome and helpful, especially second time around, when she was my dd's special friend. Why not suggest something like that to your mother?

Maveta, I suspect the fact that you are having to even ask in itself answers your question. If you had that really close relationship with your mum and were certain that it would be a help, then you wouldn't have even needed to think about it.

Both my M and MIL are in Oz, and I'm in London. My M is not healthy enough to come over, and certainly wouldn't be physically able to be any help. My MIL is coming over to stay with us, but that's because I asked (and not my DH, when he asked, her response was "it is up to your wife, not you, she's the one who decides who will be there").

I know that she will do everything to make sure things are easy for me, and will be VERY careful to make sure she doesn't interfere.

hiya

my mum lived close to me and she didnt stay but came in to see me and help etc. Dh mum came to stay with us for a week after dd now 2 was born and 4 days after dd now 1 was born, but she did everything but baby care I was happy having her to stay because I wanted her to feel involved with her granddaughter and not just on the end of the phone. They live over 200 miles away, much as though I love my mum I dont think I could have had her stay especially for a month!!

Helen

My dsis came to stay for a few days when I had ds1 and she was so helpful I cried when she left! Mum came a few days later and was brilliant. Don't underestimate how exhausting that time can be. If your Mum is a useful helpful person don't turn the offer down.