Blue For A Boy

[bluemama]

Hi,
A friend recommended this site, I wish I'd been able to join earlier when I was in a happier frame of mind...
I'm 22 weeks pg and this is my 1st baby. I had my 2nd scan a week ago and since I found out it's going to be a boy I've been non-stop .
Please don't tell me I'm a terrible person who should be grateful her baby is healthy, it's hard to admit to myself, never mind an internet message board full of happy mums and mums-to-be, but I think finding out I'm having a boy instead of the girl I'd set my heart on has triggered ante-natal depression (there is such a thing would you believe). When the sonographer told me "Looks like a boy" I started crying and when I left the room I ran away from my partner and started wailing (when he caught up with me he said it was the sound of someone who had just learned of a death in the family). Isn't that terrible? But I couldn't help it, it's how I felt inside. Ever since I've been really really trying to think about having a boy, looking at boys' clothes etc but it's not working. Everytime I see a little girl with her mummy/daddy I start crying and sometimes I wake up crying too. I have been off work sick as a result most of last week because I couldn't face going in and having everyone ask me the result (they know I was going to find out). My appetite has gone (I was eating for 10 before!), I can't sleep and have not been out much. I'm hiding from my friends because I feel like my feelings are taboo. All my pregnancy books and baby things are in a corner of the lounge, untouched since the scan. The baby started moving the day of the scan but I didn't 'feel' anything, just numb. I have suffered from depression before and all the signs are the same - even really awful ones which I dare not go into. I was so excited before but now I don't want to be pg anymore x100. My partner doesn't know what to do with me anymore (he's happy with a boy of course) and I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow, though I don't know what they can do (22 weeks is a bit too early to be starting a baby on Prozac).
I feel like I'm not only 'grieving' for the little girl I thought I was having but also dreading the arrival of the boy esp what with all the negative thoughts I've been having recently. What if he found out? I really wanted a girl - had a name and even bought clothes (d'oh) and I felt inside that I'd made a girl. Because of this I worry that I'll try to stop the boy from being a 'boy' - getting cross when he's boisterous, not taking an interest in sport etc (I hate sport).
I always knew I wanted a girl but now I feel like I should never have been allowed to get pg because of my reaction to having a boy.
What can I do???

Hi Bluemama

I felt a little like you do with my last DS2. I already had DS1 and was sooooo hoping for a little girl as there hasn't been one for anyone in our family since me (and I'm pretty old!). I was very low for a good few days after the scan. BUT - all I would say is try to get through this time and make the best of it. I know that sounds pretty lame but one of the best things to focus on about feeling the way you do right now is - imagine if you found out at the birth and felt the same way! Now you have time, lots and lots of time to kind of get to know your little boy, get your head round the idea of him. Personalise him. Think of the good things (old wives tales and otherwise!) about little boys, many of which I can vouch for myself. They are more straightforward than girls. They are often cuddlier. They love their mummies like no-one else! Girls are wonderful too, and this pgcy I am hoping for my first girl again, but to be honest, if it is yet another wonderful little boy it won't matter one bit.

hi bluemama,
I think a lot of people are disappointed when they find out that their baby isn't the sex they really, really wanted. But I bet you anything you like when you meet your little boy you will be totaly besotted with him

I do think that it's good you're going to see your GP. I have suffered from depression too, and I realy have problems with unexpected changes which sounds similar to what you're describing. If I expect something to turn out a certain way and it doesn't I get really upset, perhaps it's the same for you?
You can take some anti depressants while pregnant, and counselling would be a good idea too.

You know what? As I wrote that last paragraph I thought of a different take on this. Maybe you aren't this upset that it's a boy- perhaps the surprise of finding out that it's a boy when you had hoped for a girl has just triggered this depression and therefore the disproportionate response you're feeling to it?
What i'm trying to say (i think) is that the things you are feeling right now are because of the depression NOT because you're having a baby boy.

Thanks Greengirlforever. I knew I had to find out the sex at the scan because I had dreaded having this exact reaction - I have 4 months to go but worry I'll spend all of them trying to get my head round having a boy and not actually enjoying my 1st pregnancy

Oooops - thanks too Hairymclary. Unfortunately it was the loss of the much-wanted girl, the realisation of the not-wanted boy and then the depression, in that order. Now don't get me wrong, I like boys (well, not the naughty ones who kick trees or spit on the bus) and have lots of friends with baby boys who I like, it's just that I wanted a little girl for my 1st pregnancy. But my desire not to have a boy goes beyond my not liking football or not knowing what to do with it, I worry about a boy being too much of a 'boy' for me to deal with. A friend of mine has 3 boys, another has 2 boys and their houses are permanent bombsites, all shoes are scuffed, clothes torn and dirty, carpets stained with mud and the mums run ragged. And then I know mothers of teenage boys who are basically maids in their own homes whilst their darling sons spend all day with their feet up, watching football and bantering with dad. I don't want that...

but bluemama, that opens up the whole nature/nurture debate doesn't it?
I do think a lot of it is how you bring them up. Boys aren't inherently noisy/boisterous/sporty.
and girls aren't inherently the opposite of that!

Your children are what you make them.

Bluemama,
My Sister in law had the exact same problem. She found out the sex of her first at 20 weeks because she was so desperate for a girl. It was a boy and it sent her into a mad depression for several weeks. Then she came out of it - as simple as that. She found that she started to get used to the idea and at the time of the birth it wasn't a shock. You have definately done the right thing to find out now. It will give you a lot of time to get used to it. Its much better to be depressed now than at the time of the birth.

God, I hate sports too. I have a boy and am 16 weeks pregnant now. I would dearly love another boy. My boy is everything I could ever want. He is loving and affectionate, kind and gentle, fun loving and a bit of a clown. Alfie, my son, is very sporty, but there are so many ways I can enjoy this with him without breaking into a sweat or having to go for a long run. Our favourite game is for me to lie on the bed under a mound of covers and cushions and for him to jump all over me. I make a mountain with my legs and he climbs up it and jumps off. He uses up loads of energy and I get to lie there! What I am trying to say, in my round about way, is that I think everyone finds their own way to be a parent, whether it is what they were expecting or not.

Please don't feel bad about having such a strong reaction. I think it is really quite common, but often women feel they can't talk about it. You are already leaps and bounds ahead as you are vocalising and sharing your feelings.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit. Keep in touch, I'd like to know how you are doing. CAT me if you want.

Boys are lovely!

I am sorry you are feeling so down about this

I lsot my first baby, a boy, and I was dreading having another boy as I thought I would not bond and that a boy baby would take the place of the boy I lost, and then my DS was born (at 34 weeks and very poorly) and I could not have loved and wanted him more. I hope it is the same for you when your boy arrives

Hullo bluemama
It's only been a week since your scan, it's really not long at all when you had spent all the weeks before then thinking about a little girl. I know exactly how you feel, and how hard it is to say out loud coz you should just be grateful blah blah. But I was devastated when I found out my baby due in Dec was another boy, I cried for hours that day and couldn't shake my feelings for quite a while after that. I do still feel disappointed that I'm not going to have a girl as I wasn't planning to have more children. And I already have a boy and I adore him! Let yourself grieve for the little girl you wanted, give yourself some time. You've got loads of time to get used to having a boy, you're only halfway there. Part of the trigger for your depression might be the guilt you feel at your reaction, but you are by no means the only person to feel that way. I've suffered from depression before too and I did start to sink after my 20 week scan, but eventually felt better. And hormones may be playing more of a role than you think - they don't stop going mad after the 1st trimester.

Another mumsnetter started a thread about this too, which you might find helpful to read - here it is . I think she'd bought some pink stuff too..hope things get better for you soon.

Bluemama, I didn't find out the sex of any of mine and was that ds1 was a boy! I had really (secretly!) hoped for a girl and had thought that's what I was having! However I did get over it fairly quickly and fell head over heels in love with him! When the baby is there you get to know the little person rather than "a boy" or "a girl". I have 3 boys now!!! and though I still hanker after a little girl I have to say that I never got that same shock again when the others were boys because now I know that boys are lovely! (especially my boys!}

Hi bluemama, so sorry you are feeling like this, i was certain, 100% certain i was having a boy, no reason to think this, i just 'knew' i tried to find out the sex but was unable due to the position of the baby, anyway, the dr who induced me had the same name id chosen for my 'boy, anyway, you guessed it, my lovely little girl was born, and nobody was more shocked than me, the poor little thing had blue boyish clothes for the first few days of her life, but i very quickly got used to being the mum of a little girl, im sure this will be the case for you, once you set eyes on your lovely baby boy, you will forget ever having felt like this, im now 12 weeks pregnant with number 2, and im sure im having a girl, but no pink clothes just yet

would having a private bonding scan be an option for you? maybe if you got to see your son in close detail, it would help?

Wow...
Thanks everyone - I was checking this thread with my fingers over my eyes in case I got a barrage of abuse, but I guess mums (and esp mumsnetters!) are on the whole an understanding, supportive bunch and I really welcome your advice, experiences and suggestions.
I'd not thought about a private scan but maybe that could be a good idea, again I'm to admit that after the 'announcement' my interest in the scan vanished and all I could see were my own tears. But - I have to say that the 1st scan was the most amazing experience of my life (so far), just seeing the little person inside of me blew me away. 2nd time round my 'disappointment' kind of clouded the situation. So maybe another chance to say hello could be good. That advice was so great too as the people closest to me are walking on eggshells and too scared to suggest anything, so I've been at a loss of what to do.
This morning I went to my GP to say I feel I'm suffering from antenatal depression (listed all the uncomfortable symptoms) and she looked puzzled and said in 18 years she'd never heard of antenatal depression being triggered by the scan result - and then asked if I wanted to give it up for adoption! The whole point of me going was because I desperately want to bond with this little boy so that suggestion had me . Then she said she'd refer me to my local mental health unit to see a psychiatrist (which I think might help) but also that my maternity unit would be informed - so now I feel like there's a big black mark sign next to my name and that the midwives will all be scrutinising me for signs of PND or baby-hating . That's not what I want! So afterwards dp (who deserves a big medal) took the day off work and we went shopping, looking at prams (which on its own is enough to induce a nervous breakdown!) and baby stuff. Dp bought baby a scarf with a skull and crossbones from Accessorize though we had to leave soon after when I got all teary holding a little pair of turquoise pumps...
Otherwise I'm really trying and your comments (esp re: nature/nurture) are making me feel like less of an alien / bad mother so thank you thank you thank you and I'll let you know how I'm getting on...

Bluemama I want to answer your question from two viewpoints, first as a mum I can understand yur feelings of wanting a girl and finding things hard now. I had always wanted a baby girl and when DS1 was born I was disappointed for a short time but did bond with him Realised I had been worried cos I didn't think I would know what to Do with a boy and i hate sport too. Well I've learnt on the job and agree with the person who said boys are cuddly etc. Yes they can be dirty/muddy etc but thanl god for washing machines! Was glad DS2 a boy - DS1 2 years older and they are great mates still ( aged 15 and 17 now)
When pregnant 2 years ago had the feeling I was finally having a girl so was shocked when found out it was another boy. Felt really low for a while, jealous of people with daughters and wishing I could buy some lovely girl clothes. As time went on got used to the idea of DS3 and by the time he was born wouldn't have wanted it any differently. No pink princess, Barbies and awful horsey stage when they are 8!

Professionally - I am a midwife I would think that your GP is informing the local maternity unit to support you not to spy on you and the midwives will not be putting a black mark against your name.

Hope this helps

Bluemama,

I felt the way you felt. I went through a deep depression during my pregnancy and having a boy on top was terrible. Believe me I am embarrassed about the things I said when I was pregnant. Now I have the sweetest ds in the world. There is a bond between us that he doesn't have with dh. As soon as a walk out of a room he tries to find me even if dh is holding him. They say that little boys always go with their moms and I think that is true. Besides just be happy you don't have to deal with a teenage girl, not yet anyway.

Bluemamma, well done on seeing your gp re your feelings of depression. I have suffered ante natal depression following a very unplanned pregnancy & wish I had talked to someone about it at the time, as it's a horrible thing to deal with during what should normally be a happy time.
at your gp's adoption comment though!

As for your feelings on your child being a boy - I bet you the minute you see your beautiful baby, any negative feelings about his sex will totally vanish.
I am the mother of two boys & before I had DS1 I could not have pictured myself with a boy. I grew up with a sister & knew nothing about boy things!
I now have two gorgeous boys who I love to bits. They are chalk & cheese in their personalities. DS1 is very sensitive, quiet, never been an overly active child, caring & loving. He has never gone through a pair of trousers & he is not really that mad on football!
DS2 is a real characture, full of life, funny, loving & stroppy at times!
Our house remains nice & we have a cream carpet which has only ever been marked by me spilling red wine on it!!
Anyway, hope you are soon feeling better & can begin to enjoy your pregnancy again.