Why am i being such a bitch???

[FirstTimeMumma]

Hey girls. Just looking for some advice on how to get over this HUGE grudge i hold against baby's dad and his family. I just cannot stand them, and do not trust either of them one bit with my baby. I just wish they didn't have to be involved. I know I'm being super selfish and i would never stop them from seeing the baby because i know its in her best interest but how on earth can i get over this? The only reason they know things about my pregnancy is because I TEXT THEM, otherwise they would know nothing? I never hear from them, and they have only purchased things for their own house. I'm so embarrassed that my child is now going to be related to them as they are the most horrible, ignorant and BIGGOTED family i have ever met. I disagree with everything they believe in and I'm scared they'll try and bring my baby up in a way that they know I'm unhappy with. They do everything opposite to what i want just for the sake of it. They didn't even ask which bottles or anything I'm using and went out and purchased what they wanted? I'm using Dr Browns and will literally erupt if i find out there changing everything when they have her. I can't get over this and want to cry every time i think of them with my baby girl. Has anyone else had this problem? Please, I'm not a horrible person at all, i just have very strong opinions on how i want to raise my child (probably doesn'T help that I'm a nursery teacher and see the consequences of bad choices) I wish i could accept that he's her dad and that's her family now. She's not even here yet and i find myself seriously stressing out when i think of everything. It doesn't help that my own mum and dad seem to shake everything of and think I'm being silly. IM NOT!!!! ( or am i? ) Please help me overcome this mumsnetters....

Sounds tough. Did you not have a clue they might be like this before you conceived? If you are not with the father it makes sense that they would buy things for their home for when the baby is visiting.
My best advice is to be as nice and as polite with them as possible. Give their choices a chance and then they may be more willing to accept your choices.
Are you able to have a sit down with them before baby arrives to talk about your relationship with them and how you'd like things to be going forward?
You don't have to love them or like everything about them but they will always be your babies family
Best of luck

A different brand of bottle really isn't the end of the world, and there's no reason to think they'd know you were pregnant if you didn't tell them (they're not psychic!) so I think you're overreacting a lot bit tbh - albeit understandably, given the pregnancy hormones pumping around your system atm!

I think you need to take a few deep breaths and accept they will be part of your baby's life - like muddy says, maybe you need to discuss how you envisage things being once the baby's here, so you're all on the same page - and it will undoubtedly take compromise from both parties.

Good luck

Not in the slightest MuddyRocker. As you can probably tell the pregnancy was unplanned and i was on the pill at the time of conception so it was a huge shock. The father and i had already split before i found out. We tried to give things a go again for the babies sake but he ended up cheating and leaving me to deal with all the emotional things on my own anyway. But is still ademant he wants to be part of this even though he kind of hasn't been? I think I'm just worried that they will have such an easy run of things while I'm doing all the work. I am such a hypocrite though because at the same time i want to do all the work on my own? God i don't even make bloody sense. When i am in their presence i'll act completely civil and be very polite as i do hate causing conflict, so I'm not even sure they are aware of my issues with them? I really hope it turns out not so bad and that i am overreacting. :(

I think i've been a little unclear about some things. They knew about my pregnancy from the beginning. I mean that since they found out i was pregnant they have did nothing. Such as, asking how midwife appointments have went (Even though i have let them know exactly when they are) Or how I'm progressing and if everything is okay. I feel like they could do a lot more rather than leaving me to deal with everything on my own. or AIBU? It's not so much the bottle brand that has irritated me, its the reasons behind it. Almost like they are doing it to spite me in a way? They have the ability to belittle me so much, and I'm not very confrontational so just take it on the chin and go home and bitch to my family and friends about it - childish i know, but its the only way i really know how to cope whilst being as polite and civil as possible with his family?

My ILs, who I get on well with, don't text/ask about MW appointments either (and I think they're a bit of a non-event personally - I really don't expect them to be interested in the results of my latest wee test :o )

I really doubt they've bought a specific brand of bottle to spite you - more likely they've just seen them on offer somewhere and bought what they thought would do?

I doubt my own mother or DP had a clue about midwife appointments (unless htere was a scan, when DP came along). It's not a big deal, don't sweat the small stuff and wait until the baby is here to deal with what is important. You never know your luck, htey may lose interest.

I get what you mean about wanting help but also wanting to do it all yourself (because then you know it's getting done the right way the way you think is best)
It would be nice if they could ask you how things are going but I imagine they just wait for information from your ex?
If you've chosen particular bottles for a reason (sorry I don't know much about the different options) maybe you could offer to buy a couple for their place or make sure your DD's changing bag is packed with the ones you prefer for when she visits them.
I meant to say it doesn't sound like you are being a bitch although it would be good if you could find a way of talking to your ex's family about some of the issues that come up. It's going to be difficult at times. I am married to my DD's dad and we still have differing opinions on her upbringing sometimes.

Hi first time - if you think about it have you got issues with your ex more then his family to you hold anything that he did against them?
I would truly think what type of relationship you want your little girl to have with her family also! Sometimes the choices we make are not right and the children suffer! Don't make your wrongs be right if you have no reason!
I don't have no problems with my MIL and she's a lovely person but for ages she had issues about where I was from my family ate Jamaicans and she's from west africa and never thought I was right for her perfect son!!! 15 years on happily married and 3 beautiful grandchildren and 1 more on way!!!! She has had to lump it!
I do hope it gets sorted as its clearly not a healthy way to live and especially if your still pregnant!!!!!
Good luck!!!!

Sorry not " ate" are!!!!! Phone mistake!

Your ILs really aren't anything to do with you as your dc will only have contact with them through your xp. Let him tell them what's going on.

Concentrate for now on ensuring you have the requisite legal agreements drawn up regarding access and maintenance. Work out time scales for contact - eg, 1 hour 5 times a week for first 3 months, 2 hours 3 times a week from 3-6 months, 6 hours once a week once weaning - that you'll be comfortable with. The CSA will be able to deal with the money for you.

Then, write down your rules. Get a level headed mate to help you decide what's completely unacceptable, what you'll compromise on, and what you can let go. So, any food before 6 months is unacceptable, McDonalds before 3yo but only very rarely, don't give a stuff about chocolate buttons for bribery past 1yo type of thing.

Good luck

You're not being a bitch. You're being a perfectly normal, hormonal mum to be. Add to that the baby's father has been a dick, it's understandable you would have some worries about the people who raised him.

No one is much interested in my MW appointments, including me half the time! As for bottles, some babies only get on with certain brands, and others are fine with anything, so cross that bridge when you come to it.

Remember, as grandparents they have no rights to your baby at all, and they won't be bringing it up, that's its parents' jobs. Don't be rail roaded into what they want for your baby, now is the time to learn to say no!

MuddyRocker - Exactly! Yes they probably do, problem is he doesn't take interest either and then they all complain about me not involving them, when i try to involve them as much as possible but they don't seem interested, its kind of a catch 22 really! I think i will do that, make sure she has enough bottles for each visit. Thanks for the advice - Really appreciate it!

CountMyBlessings - I would normally agree and say yes it probably is me holding the grudge for his wrong doing, but it's his family that don't let me forgot that i ended the relationship even though it was their son in the wrong. Kind of like their son can do no wrong kind of thing? I know it's normal for a parent to be like that with their child but seriously, open your eyes!!! Thanks for sharing, has helped a lot! Ps, the "my family ate jamaicans" made me laugh

PurplePidjin - Thank you for your input! I really wanted to avoid legal action as i do understand what's best for my baby, and i honestly do want her to grow up in a civil and healthy environment. Maybe because it's my first baby i just want everything to go very smoothly as i personally didn't imagine my first baby being in this situation. But it IS the situation I'm in, so i do have to let go on some things i suppose. I do hate when they question why i would prefer to do things a certain way because DD's dad has no experience whatsoever, and as an Early Years Practitioner i reckon i know a bit more about the well-being of children that he does, but then again - just my opinion. If it does go down the root of being unbearable and I'm forced to do things legally then i will take your advice on board. Thanks again.

Bonzo77 - Glad you agree! He has been a dick. But then i suppose i'll just have to get over how he's treated me and make sure that my child is being treated properly, until then i can't really do much can i. You're right! I need to learn to say no, I just hate offending people. Time to grow a pair i think, I now have another little person to defend. Thanks a lot for you're advice!

Really appreciate everything girls. I think i'll just have to wait and see how things go when DD is born ( 5 weeks left - hurry hurry!!! ) As long as they are respecting my wishes and treating her well then i can't really complain. I wrote this post whilst majorly pissed off by XP. So apologies for the rant!!! But hey I'm hormonal - its aloud right? LOL. Thanks Again.x

I don't mean take him to court! Just that you should have some kind of contract in place making expectations clear! CAB should be able to advise.

Beware assuming that because you work with children, you know best. Kids were born to prove us wrong (also a childcare worker expecting first child)

Glad advice and venting has helped! Now breath!
Only you know what is right at this time or anytime for your child's well being! No extra support is better then support with conditions and lack of respect! Good luck in the upcoming weeks, labour and motherhood!
It's all rites of passage!
And sometimes choices comes with practice!!!

Just watching the news unfold about Tia Sharp puts a focus on whose around your children?????

God i know that purple, that's what they do best after all! I'm just saying i know a bit more than he does, as he is still very young minded and doesn't use his head a lot of the time. I also know that most people are like that with their first and i should give him a chance to prove me wrong when he actually becomes a dad, just expressing my worries of what things might be like.

Thanks count couldn't agree more! Just makes you even more terrified of letting your kids out of your sight. Especially because little Tia was found in her grans house!!! Apparently they didn't find her body untill the 4th time they searched the place?

Btw, i do not think my babies grandparents are at all monsters. I'm sure i'll learn to love them. I just need some time i think.

x

Fair enough. I'm 24 weeks and it seems to be the most popular thing for friends to advise me, right after telling me their gruesome birth stories