How to tell friends I’m pregnant

[TwinkleTwinkleX]

Hey,
I have just had a 12 week scan confirming my second baby 😊
I have a close group of 10 friends, 4 have babies (1 has 2).
I told 2 of my friends I’m pregnant in person last week (they both have kids) and I’m wondering the best/ most sensitive way to tell my other friends. I think a couple of them may be trying for babies but haven’t been for very long.
We have a group WhatsApp where we share lots of things, I’m wondering if a message on that would be best?
I am thinking if you are trying it may be a bit easier to receive the news in private? Also not be singled out?
I guess because it’s my 2nd it might not be such a shock but any insight or advice would be welcome!
Xxx

Mid 30s

Just send a group message but be mindful that some may not give the most upbeat responses or reply at all if they're going through their own struggles. Congratulations!

Please, please don't put it in the group chat- it's really horrible when you're struggling with fertility. Message individually so they only have to deal with your initial message and reply to you. It's just a bit more thoughtful.

@HollyGolightly4 They haven't been trying for very long though so they're not struggling with fertility - it's just they have also started trying.

But for what it's worth, as someone who's had fertility struggles for 5 years, it was helpful for me and DH when family or very close friends (i.e. our 3 best friends) told us individually, by message.

But for anyone else, I'd much rather it was just in a group chat, then I could process it and offer congrats at my own pace.

It's hard when people message/ call/ tell you individually because then you have to offer a direct, individual response. A group chat dilutes it a bit.

The worst thing is being told in person, either way. It's definitely best to message.

Totally agree with the message rather than phone @smokeandflame . I just feel it's quite likely that they won't have shared how long they've actually been trying if they're mid thirties, especially to those who already have children.

Interesting about your take on the group chat- I hadn't thought about it that way.

I think I'm a bit scarred because one of my so-called closest friends dumped her scan picture in the group chat despite knowing what I was going through! Really upset me.

Sorry you've been going through it as well :( It's so tough.

I think it's really hard for friends to know what to do/ how to share their news (as OP demonstrates).

Sometimes, the way they tell you can feel insensitive, but doesn't necessarily mean they haven't thought about it - it's just that they genuinely don't know what's best.

It's also complicated by the fact that everyone is different - e.g. me and you are obviously a bit different around group chats. I generally found it less pressured in the group - although if it's a very close friend, an individual message is thoughtful to acknowledge what you're going through - but maybe they thought the group would be easier for you.

I think infertility is just such a minefield - both for people who are going through it and their friends/ family.

I really hope things work out for you if you're still trying x

Thank you @smokeandflame we are. Same to you as well 💐

Totally understand what you're saying @ThisJollyLimeBird but as above, I found the constant replies and questions worse than just one response then done!

Hi. I just read your message and wanted to thank you for being so generous in your approach.

This situation is obviously infinitesimally harder for the person with the fertility problems than the person who is pregnant, but it is also tough when there is simply no good way to inform someone of a pregnancy. I know that friends and I have caused upset variously by phoning (friend had previously said that a message would be too cold), messaging in a group (too impersonal/intense), messaging individually (too singled out), not disclosing pregnancy until late (after causing distress with previous pregnancy), not involving the friend or involving them too much. This is despite genuinely agonising over what to do and being as sensitive as possible. There is no single approach that would be favourable to everyone!

I am very, very lucky to be pregnant with my third baby, but I still don’t know what is best. I have mainly avoided telling anyone that I’m pregnant unless they see me vomiting, because I feel so guilty about it.

I would say that an emotionless message on a group WhatsApp to close friends should be as benign as possible, especially if you don’t know that any of them are struggling to conceive. Along the lines of “just wanted to let you know that we are expecting another baby in Spring. How are your Christmas preparations going?”, without any scan or bump pictures.

@Dtei Thank you :)

To be honest, there is just no good way.

There are 'less worse' ways (e.g. most people agree a message is better than in person).

But really, the person going through infertility is going through a type of trauma, and however they find out, it's going to be hard for them to deal with it and not to project their trauma. It requires a lot of emotional maturity and resilience. There are as many types of people going through infertility as there are people in the world, and some people will cope emotionally better than others.

Either way, the important thing to remember is that their reaction/ ability to cope is not the fault of the person who's announcing a pregnancy.

There is a responsibility on the person who's experiencing infertility as well - what do you expect your friends to do, particularly if you haven't given them any hint as to what you need? It's not reasonable to be angry at someone for being pregnant - you might feel that way, but it's simply a projection of your own trauma - you shouldn't express it.

I think empathy and understanding is needed on both sides of it but when someone is going through trauma, it can be hard to be reasonable.

As someone announcing a pregnancy you just have to remember that their trauma is not your fault or your responsibility, and there's nothing you can do to change it, and you are still entitled to enjoy announcing and celebrating your happy news.

I don't think you should minimise it as if it's no big deal when you announce it. It is a big deal and you're allowed to announce it properly!

How about sending a text but making it clear it's a generic text. That way people don't feel singled out but also don't have to deal with replies. If some people are iMessage and some are android then it won't be a mass message, it will go individually.

"Hi all. Sorry for mass text but just wanted to let you know that TwinkleTwinkle2 is due in June. Hope everyone is well and love to all. "

Stick a message on the group chat, but absolutely do not also send a scan photo! I struggled with conceiving and the worst messages were the ones directly to me with scan photos attached, so hard to write a message back without sounding false, even though you are happy for them. It’s just complicated.

I had two friends tell me they were pregnant shortly after I had a miscarriage, one of them told me in person in a group setting - which was horrendous and I was fighting back tears.
They also knew I had just miscarried a few weeks before.
The other sent me a message, the night before I was seeing them and they weren't drinking etc - directly to me and acknowledged the difficulty in sharing. It was so thoughtful and I was able to have a little cry and then reply in my own time!