Just can not get along with MIL

[Oomzy]

Since having my little girl I just can not stand being around my MIL, it all started when I was pregnant and all she did was make everything about herself. She would buy prams, cots, baths etc just for her house, I think I was maybe 12 weeks pregnant? My mum threw me a quiet bbq instead of a baby shower as I just don't like the faff, mil was invited and afterwards tried organising another baby shower as this one was 'boring'. She has always has always been possessive of my husband, but in a very subtle way, for example, if he buys me flowers he has to tell her they are for our daughter incase it upsets her. I had 3 miscarriages before my little girl and I never really told anyone other than my mum and mil, my mil told most people that would listen, even people at her place of work. So now you have a bit of a picture of what she's like.
MIL is greatly jealous of the time
My mum spends with my little girl, this is purely because I see my mum/family a lot, where as husband never organises anything with his. There are constant comments about the fact they will 'see her in another 6 months' or 'she doesn't like me because she doesn't know me' every time with go round, which honestly just makes me want to stay away even more. Every time I go round I am told how much she isn't like me, it is all 'oh you love daddy' 'daddy is your favourite' constantly and I'm just sat there like 🤗

When she was born mil bought a balloon round that said 'number 1 dad' but was adamant mine had popped hahaha

She constantly wants her round for 1 on 1 time which I do not understand. She is constantly breaking boundaries regarding baby's pictures being shown to certain family members. She is a very exhausting woman.

Another reason they do not see her is that, despite claiming she is severely disabled and can't get out of bed most days, she has been on 8 holidays since baby was born a year and a half ago, 5 of these times they have come back with Covid. So after being on holiday for a week to two weeks, they can not see baby as they are poorly. Yet I am still the bad guy that doesn't bring baby to them every 5 seconds. The woman just constantly victimizes herself and guilts everyone around her and I just can not take it.

Not really looking for advice, just an anonymous rant hahahah

That sounds exhausting! Is your dd the first grandchild?
The baby shower thing sounds really mean. Even if it wasn’t her cup of tea, she shouldn’t have arranged another one, especially if you didn’t want it.
I don’t blame you keeping your distance when they have covid, you can’t be blamed for them missing out if they are on holiday.

Would you dh speak to her? I feel like he needs to stand up to her a bit. It’s silly he has to lie about the flowers, why does she even need to know?

if he buys me flowers he has to tell her they are for our daughter incase it upsets her

Your DH needs to stop pussyfooting around her. That is just ridiculous.
I can understand her feeling envious of the time your DM gets to spend with your DD though but, as you say, that’s for your DH to facilitate.Is he an only child? Just wondering on the likelihood of any siblings that may have a child that MIL could then focus her attention on.

How far away do they live?

Just tell her a lot less information. She doesn't need to know where you are, what you are doing and definitely not if your DH has bought any flowers.

Leave everything to your DH to organise, if she asks you point her in his direction. You already know he will put minimal effort in so Leave it all to him.

I have a daughter and a son, both living locally. I fully understand that then they have children, it is likely I'll see my DGC from my daughter's side more often than my sons. This is totally natural as being a new mum, you need (and want) your own mum over anyone else. It's nothing personal, it's just the way it is.
I can understand the hurt for some women, particularly if their son is not making the effort to include his mum, but MIL creating a fuss, not being able to gauge your own daughter in law/her feelings, and being offensively needy is exactly what pushes the very people away that you want in your life. Your husband really needs to have a word.

It's best to assert rock-solid boundaries with people like that. It is also best to resolve not to care about what she says. She won't change, and there's nothing you can do about her being the way she is.

Practice emotional detachment and distance yourself from her. And protect your daughter from her influence. Let your DH deal with her.

Don't hesitate to call her out on any bad behaviour. For example, next time she starts up with the 'oh you love daddy' crap, tell her firmly "We don't play mummy/daddy favourites with DD so please stop all that nonsense. It's very unhealthy for children."

Practice a few other phrases that might come in handy with her, like, "That might be the way you raised your children in the dark ages, but it's not how we're raising ours."

Remember you don't owe her anything and if she's upsetting your family unit she can do one.

Oh god OP she sounds like a total nightmare rant away you deserve it!

Your husband needs to man up though!

Just stop making any effort at all. She can rely on her beloved son to give her contact with her grandchild. If she's that tedious and interfering, you really don't owe her anything. Go LC.

Her nose is put out because she’s not #1. You will never change her but you might be able to soften her/blunt her efforts to needle you. What’s her dp like- sometimes you can get an ally in the form of the hen-pecked husband who actually really wants to be a good GP and probably likes you.

You could try going on the offensive - set up a WhatsApp group make sure DFiL is in it as Dh too, then ask if they can visit Saturday at 9.30 making it clear you have to wrap up by 11.30 as dc is not sleeping well due to a slight cold and dh plans to take a quiet nap with the baby. Make these invitations very frequently and muscle through them. Don’t let her divert plans - if she tries then it’s always “oh I’m sorry you can’t do it this time around, never mind let’s put a pin in it and I’ll check our diaries and we’ll pick another date that works better!”

If DPiL do show up then play it very cool and controlled. Promise yourself to smile and nod/ grit your teeth/ agree with everything MiL says - you take the wind out of her sails. If you agree that baby likes dad best, that dmil is the best gran ever, etc but then totally don’t let her railroad you by simply refusing. And then redirect the conversation.

you can be really passive aggressive and cute about it - chuck in some flattery too to confuse her - it will work

eg with a laugh “oh yes dmil, daddy bought his baby girl flowers again! I’ve never known a baby get so many flowers honestly, it just makes me love him so much more [cue big flamboyant smooch with dh]… Did you know baby’s favourite flowers are exactly the same as mine?! It’s almost as if dh really bought them for me, Hahaha. I’m keeping all the little gift cards to show baby when she’s older. Oh he’s such a sweetie, you brought him up so well DPiL.”

That flower thing is really really odd. How on earth does she know when your husband buys flowers?

bollocks
really, I do hate this constant assumption that boys won't be as close to their mums when they are grown up.

It mostly depends on what sort of person you are and your relationship with your son, and how far away you live

@steppemum i think @Seasaltsquall meant at the beginning when baby is new the mum will want to spend more time with her own mum. I totally agree with this. It's mum that has given birth and in the thick of after birth. In most cases she will want her own mum rather than her mil. I think this is totally normal. However when baby is bigger there is no reason not too see mil as much as your own family but in ops case she isn't the average mil.

Just carry on as you are and let your DH organise things and deal with her, it's his mum.

I don’t understand Grandparents like your MIL. They press every button, then when they have caused hard feeling and resentment they still expect everyone to jump to their tune and to see the Grandchildren.
If she said to me her sarcastic ‘we will see her in another 6 months’, I would be tempted to just say ‘yeah great, see you then’.
As for constantly saying to your baby ‘daddy is your favourite’, I would ignore it and just start calling your MIL by her name in front of your child instead of Nanna eg.
‘show Margaret your new shoes’.
Its petty, but she is petty anyway, so it will be a language she understands. Plus it might make you feel better!

This is your DH's problem. He can sort seeing her, he can deal with her being a bit batshit, you see her occasionally and make nice. In between times, don't give her a second thought.