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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

15 replies

LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:19

After having a miscarriage last year, my husband and I decided that we would only tell a select few relatives about my pregnancy this time around until we have our 12 week scan and everything is confirmed to be going well. My mother in law has now said that two people she knows have “guessed” and she has confirmed that I am pregnant. I feel so upset and stressed over this as I have not had my 12 week scan yet and feel that the more people that know the more pressure is on me. My husband has been supportive but I don’t think he fully understands a why I’m so upset by this and feels that I am overreacting. I want to say something to my mother in law and let her know that this is not ok and that it has upset me but my husband has asked me not to. I don’t know what to do, I’m so scared of other finding out before I am ready and am worried this will cause problems between my husband and I. Am I just hormonal and overreacting or would you say something if you were in my position? All opinions welcome, thanks

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Coldinscotland · 21/10/2023 08:23

Just take on board she isn't to be trusted and never tell her anything private again. Remind dh his bloody loyalty should be to you. He didn't marry his dm.

happylittlesloth · 21/10/2023 08:24

There's no way they "guessed".

Make sure she's the last to know anything

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 21/10/2023 08:24

It would have annoyed me if I'd have said please don't tell anyone. She can't be trusted with stuff like that now.

Walnuthhwip · 21/10/2023 08:30

I wouldn’t bother talking to her
shes told people after you told her you didn’t want her to (and presumably why you didn’t want her to)
she’s then told you she’s broken your trust, rather than keep it to herself, if you didn’t know at least you wouldn’t be worrying
and then she’s lied about it too.
she can’t be trusted, and I doubt you’ll get anywhere speaking to her. At best she can’t control herself when she’s excited and you’ll just make her feel bad, at worst she doesn’t care about your feelings anyway.
now you know what she’s like, just try to let it go for now, but I know it’s annoying

Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:32

For more context - when we told some people about the pregnancy we did tell them not to tell anyone else and that we would announce it when we felt ready. My MIL has also said that one of the people who have “guessed” she can’t be sure that they have kept it to themself. I’m just left worried that I have no idea how many people know now.

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Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:35

Thanks I appreciate the advice, I think you’re right and I need to just let it go. What’s done is done and I can’t change it now.

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mummabubs · 21/10/2023 08:37

LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:32

For more context - when we told some people about the pregnancy we did tell them not to tell anyone else and that we would announce it when we felt ready. My MIL has also said that one of the people who have “guessed” she can’t be sure that they have kept it to themself. I’m just left worried that I have no idea how many people know now.

This is what I was going to ask, but as she was aware you'd asked her not to tell anyone else then I think you're fair to feel hurt. May I ask did she know about your previous miscarriage? If so I think she's definitely acted insensitively. As others have said, unfortunately you can't change her but you can choose what information you trust her with in future.
My DH has a similar approach of asking me not to rock the boat when his family has upset me, so I know how it feels when you want your other half to support you but it feels like their family comes first. Take care of yourself right now xx

Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:43

Hi, thanks for the advice. Yes she did know about the previous miscarriage. I think I am sensitive about this as I had a missed miscarriage that we only found out about at my 12 week scan, she knows this too. I have so much anxiety around 12 week scans now and I just feel hurt that she has not respected my wishes. Yes I feel my husband just wants to keep the peace which is totally understandable, however I don’t want to cause an argument I just want to let her know that this has upset me and remind her that no one else is to know and that it’s our news to share not hers. I don’t want to put my husband in a difficult position and I have never had an issue with my MIL before. But I also don’t want to be a push over. Xx

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Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:52

mummabubs · 21/10/2023 08:37

This is what I was going to ask, but as she was aware you'd asked her not to tell anyone else then I think you're fair to feel hurt. May I ask did she know about your previous miscarriage? If so I think she's definitely acted insensitively. As others have said, unfortunately you can't change her but you can choose what information you trust her with in future.
My DH has a similar approach of asking me not to rock the boat when his family has upset me, so I know how it feels when you want your other half to support you but it feels like their family comes first. Take care of yourself right now xx

Show quote history

Hi, thanks for the advice. Yes she did know about the previous miscarriage. I think I am sensitive about this as I had a missed miscarriage that we only found out about at my 12 week scan, she knows this too. I have so much anxiety around 12 week scans now and I just feel hurt that she has not respected my wishes. Yes I feel my husband just wants to keep the peace which is totally understandable, however I don’t want to cause an argument I just want to let her know that this has upset me and remind her that no one else is to know and that it’s our news to share not hers. I don’t want to put my husband in a difficult position and I have never had an issue with my MIL before. But I also don’t want to be a push over. Xx

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Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:53

Walnuthhwip · 21/10/2023 08:30

I wouldn’t bother talking to her
shes told people after you told her you didn’t want her to (and presumably why you didn’t want her to)
she’s then told you she’s broken your trust, rather than keep it to herself, if you didn’t know at least you wouldn’t be worrying
and then she’s lied about it too.
she can’t be trusted, and I doubt you’ll get anywhere speaking to her. At best she can’t control herself when she’s excited and you’ll just make her feel bad, at worst she doesn’t care about your feelings anyway.
now you know what she’s like, just try to let it go for now, but I know it’s annoying

Thanks I appreciate the advice, I think you’re right and I need to just let it go. What’s done is done and I can’t change it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:53

LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:19

After having a miscarriage last year, my husband and I decided that we would only tell a select few relatives about my pregnancy this time around until we have our 12 week scan and everything is confirmed to be going well. My mother in law has now said that two people she knows have “guessed” and she has confirmed that I am pregnant. I feel so upset and stressed over this as I have not had my 12 week scan yet and feel that the more people that know the more pressure is on me. My husband has been supportive but I don’t think he fully understands a why I’m so upset by this and feels that I am overreacting. I want to say something to my mother in law and let her know that this is not ok and that it has upset me but my husband has asked me not to. I don’t know what to do, I’m so scared of other finding out before I am ready and am worried this will cause problems between my husband and I. Am I just hormonal and overreacting or would you say something if you were in my position? All opinions welcome, thanks

For more context - when we told some people about the pregnancy we did tell them not to tell anyone else and that we would announce it when we felt ready. My MIL has also said that one of the people who have “guessed” she can’t be sure that they have kept it to themself. I’m just left worried that I have no idea how many people know now.

OP posts:
Frasers · 21/10/2023 08:55

I wish you all the luck in the world for your scan, when is it?

I think lessen learned, you are both over sharing , there is no reason for her to know all this stuff about miscarriages or even th4 fact you’re now pregnant. It is private. Please do not tell her private stuff that you don’t wish shared.

Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 08:59

Frasers · 21/10/2023 08:55

I wish you all the luck in the world for your scan, when is it?

I think lessen learned, you are both over sharing , there is no reason for her to know all this stuff about miscarriages or even th4 fact you’re now pregnant. It is private. Please do not tell her private stuff that you don’t wish shared.

Thanks, my scan is on Tuesday.

We decided to tell our close family about the miscarriage for some support through a Betty difficult time.

yes I can see that now, if I had known that she wouldn’t have respected my wishes I wouldn’t have told her. Lesson learned.

OP posts:
DaftQuestionForToday · 21/10/2023 09:07

@LH95

im very sorry about you MMC & your anxiety about your 12 week scan is normal & understandable.

it IS your news to share or not, but as soon as you tell one person, it becomes out of your control. Some people just can't deflect others asking questions or just can't contain themselves either through excitement or from needing to show they're special/important & know first.

it will have zero affect on the outcome if your 12 week scan. So it doesn't really matter who knows, just tell anyone that you'd be upset if they found out from someone else.

in future don't tell MIL anything you wouldn't want all over the news/SM.

id let her find out stuff on SM/through others & if she says anything, then I'd say it's YOUR news to share & she's proven she can't keep YOUR news to herself.

your DH needs reminding that YOU are his WIFE, & if he doesn't have YOUR back he can go & live with his mother.

BEST WISHES with your 12wk scan & the rest of your pregnancy xx

Original poster
LH95 · 21/10/2023 09:13

DaftQuestionForToday · 21/10/2023 09:07

@LH95

im very sorry about you MMC & your anxiety about your 12 week scan is normal & understandable.

it IS your news to share or not, but as soon as you tell one person, it becomes out of your control. Some people just can't deflect others asking questions or just can't contain themselves either through excitement or from needing to show they're special/important & know first.

it will have zero affect on the outcome if your 12 week scan. So it doesn't really matter who knows, just tell anyone that you'd be upset if they found out from someone else.

in future don't tell MIL anything you wouldn't want all over the news/SM.

id let her find out stuff on SM/through others & if she says anything, then I'd say it's YOUR news to share & she's proven she can't keep YOUR news to herself.

your DH needs reminding that YOU are his WIFE, & if he doesn't have YOUR back he can go & live with his mother.

BEST WISHES with your 12wk scan & the rest of your pregnancy xx

Thank you for the advice I appreciate it and agree with what you have said. I’ll know what to do in future, thanks xx

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