Help tactfully telling family

[SowingTheSeedsOfLove]

We have two children and wanted a 3rd, many years later no contraception and unexpectedly it appears that we are expecting child number 3 after thinking we were infertile.

We are both very very excited and a little nervous as in our 40's.
We have been looking at baby items as early days and doctors appointment booked.
Sure our family and friends will figure it out as walking round smiling all the time.

Concerned family and our children don't sour the situation-as we are in a stable relationship and can manage financially.


How many weeks do we leave it so it's not too soon and not seen as deceitful either.

Apologies as we don't have anyone else to ask or feel ready to tell

[kcy]

I would wait until 20 weeks personally to tell non close family but you may feel as though you want to tell closer family before that… i would just make it very clear that you’re happy with this & i also see no problem with keeping it a secret until you are ready. after all, it is your baby. My aunt was in a similar situation, 42 pregnant and hid until 34 weeks! We, as a family were all very happy for her.

[SowingTheSeedsOfLove]

@kcy

I would wait until 20 weeks personally to tell non close family but you may feel as though you want to tell closer family before that… i would just make it very clear that you’re happy with this & i also see no problem with keeping it a secret until you are ready. after all, it is your baby. My aunt was in a similar situation, 42 pregnant and hid until 34 weeks! We, as a family were all very happy for her.

🙂👍 Thank you

[determinedtomakethiswork]

Congratulations on your good news, but I am completely gobsmacked as to how you thought you were infertile when you had had two babies together!

[SowingTheSeedsOfLove]

@determinedtomakethiswork

Congratulations on your good news, but I am completely gobsmacked as to how you thought you were infertile when you had had two babies together!

6-7 years regular unprotected sex and talks of IVF 🤷

Believe secondary infertility, pregnant due to medication stopped and a health issue improved.

[Peony654]

unless there’s a back story, why wouldn’t everyone be pleased for you? I’ve told parents and a few friends at 8 weeks (couldn’t really hide it as went to a festival and obviously not drinking). But tell them when you are ready

[SowingTheSeedsOfLove]

@Peony654

unless there’s a back story, why wouldn’t everyone be pleased for you? I’ve told parents and a few friends at 8 weeks (couldn’t really hide it as went to a festival and obviously not drinking). But tell them when you are ready

It's the truth, we resigned ourselves that what would be would be after various ovulation apps etc - all failed for years. We felt nature would take it's course and what would be would be-resigned to it as IVF we couldn't face thought of.

Just worried that at this stage 4-6 weeks perhaps that something could go wrong V telling people and embarrassment of a miscarriage etc with age and then 🤷 as other pregnancies without issues.

The conversation with doctors unnerved us as they were straight to there are options for abortion or adoption-- not "how do you feel about it" as an opener.

We are excited, a little concerned as older and a little embarrassed people will mention geriatric pregnancy and risks or is that your Grandparents at school.

We are 💯 percent excited and just a little shocked doctors not interested until 12 weeks as very different years ago.

Suggested to partner we ask a chemist for vitamins and see they do a test that estimates how far.

Asking forum like talking to anonymous knowledgeable friend, pre Covid we had a wider group of friends- now they are all interlinked with work, children and gossip.

🙂

[Clutchy]

Concerned family and our children don't sour the situation

Why would your children spur the situation? What ages are they? Why do you think they’d be unhappy?

[Mmr224]

Do you know how far along you are? If not, you might want to consider a private scan, normally about £60-70. I had a couple of early private scans with each if my pregnancies as I was older and wanted additional reassurance until 12 weeks and the test results.

If you know how far along you are you can normally self refer to midwife. I was 42 and 43 when I got pregnant with my two children and had extra midwife appointments and scans but I already chronic high blood pressure which was well controlled with medication but it meant I was considered high risk.

[Mmr224]

You might want to get prenatal vitamins from pharmacy if not already taking them, including high dose vitamin d and folic acid.

[EllieQ]

Most people I know wait until after the first scan at 12 weeks to tell people, which is seen as perfectly normal behaviour. Why do you think people would be offended?

I’m in my forties, and if I found out I was pregnant now I would wait until the 20 week scan as there is a higher chance of issues with pregnancy when you are older. I know that I would rather not announce a pregnancy then have to explain things had gone wrong, but other people might feel differently.

[toomuchlaundry]

How often do you see family?

[Thunderisntnicebythebeach]

Your baby is very much wanted so blooming own it! 20 week scan I waited til as I was nearly 43. Wanted to make sure all was OK. And deal with it without everyone knowing first if it wasn't!
Congratulations op!

[SunLightButMoonlightIsBest]

Why do you think there will be issues within your family around when you announce it?
Its your pregnancy. It’s not their business really. If you are worried about pregnancy issues I would wait until at least the first scan to announce it (which most people do anyway).

[SunLightButMoonlightIsBest]

Also a lot of people have babies in their 40s these days. Your worry about people thinking you are the Grandparents at the school gates is unfounded. There are very few young parents at my children's primary school. Most are late 30s, some in their 40s and quite a few in 50s. It’s the parents in their 20s that stand out like a sore thumb these days.

[Ladyoftheknight]

You think having a miscarriage would be embarassing because of your age? I think you need to work through why you're feeling this, or if you're expecting to be treated badly becasue of it

[Yellowdays]

You should not need to worry about "looking deceitful ". It's your body and nobody else's business.

[ninjafoodienovice]

At your ages I would definitely wait until the 20week scan before telling anyone including children.

Congratulations. I hope it all works out

[Roselilly36]

Many congrats OP, I would wait till after the 12wk scan.

[Dotcheck]

Awww, congratulations ☺️
However:
Sure our family and friends will figure it out as walking round smiling all the time
Nah, they’ll just think you’re having loads of sex. Smile away

[gogomoto]

I would wait until the first scan and any additional age related tests are done just in case - it's your decision as parents to decide what to do if things are adverse and best as few people know as possible (it caused my friends a lot of stress when they had to terminate for very severe medical reasons, certain family members were not understanding, I'm talking incompatible with life btw). As older parents that's the only precaution I would personally take

[SowingTheSeedsOfLove]

Thank you for the views and kind words

Both our families tended to have children a year to 18 months apart and get the 2,3 or 4 children close to each other and done.

Tortoise and hare race kind of situation, we both knew this was a possibility, but as the years rolled by we came to the conclusion that our having children days had come to an end.
As not much hoped for pregnancy had occurred, it seemed easier to just not to use contraception as mood swings and in vain hope maybe- or what will be will be.

I think the weight watchers, vitamins and change in medication known to cause issues-return to fertility.
We should have talked to doctors years ago-but embarrassing we didn't have courage to talk about something deeply personal so didn't and pandemic made a difficult situation worse too- as thing's opened pestering with a non life threatening issue seemed wrong.

Children, I think a sibling of a similar age are easier to break the news to, teens worried that GCSE's will feel
Left out, second best or disturbed sleep will hate us for disruption of their feeling of stability and routine and the "guess what" we are having another sibling"

Our friends group are supportive, but they are interconnected with our family, suggested partner only tells her best friend as Kind, Caring and supportive as I want to be- female moral support etc.
Ladies Wine Fridays etc- it will soon be apparent as the why are you turning down alcohol started- excuses won't last 9 months


Hate keeping secrets, just reading miscarriages and complications with age, a double edged sword.
Want my partner to have support:- in maybe areas I don't have experience as not female. Worried about the shame and embarrassed if it goes pear shaped and not our fault.

Some of our family are struggling single parents and will be very much 2 children are enough-why did you want more and wait so long.

I have encouraged my partner to tell her best friend for female support and agree 20 week scan or whenever partner feels ready to everyone else.

Really really excited and have been looking at babe clothes,moses baskets cots, furniture etc V pang of anxiety if it goes wrong as 6-7 years of nothing and a minor miracle now.

🙂

[SowingTheSeedsOfLove]

Going well🤔 OH Parents thought we were lying and then well done as we have big families and what took you so long.
One of a children said get on with it so I said challenge accepted and they were only joking and then upset. 🤔
Can't wait to see what teen says 🤔
We love each other and 20 year stable relationship.

Can't wait to tell my side of family😂👨‍👩‍👦